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Silent Bay

by tusker 

Posted: 13 November 2008
Word Count: 293
Summary: Flash challenge, Lost. (Have taken out the section as fellow flashers suggested.)


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Close by, a dark sea shifted but way out in out in the bay thrashing white waves promised a high tide to follow later on.

A biting wind chapped Megan’s cheeks adding redness to a pale face but oblivious to needles of sand pricking her skin, she scanned black-humped rocks, wide rippled mounds of grey pebbles and limpid pools where seaweed swayed an invitation to search beneath their brown rubbery skirts.

A sudden jarring of squawks lifted her gaze to where gulls battled with crows above a lopsided shelter. It perched on top of hardened scree and she remembered past summers when they’d kissed under the heat of its tin roof and winter nights when rain hammered a tattoo above their heads, cold steaming their warm breaths.

She recalled languid afternoons lying on their backs, their toes touching. David laughing at her small feet and she,teasing him about his size twelve’s, calling them flippers with him responding that they’d be useful as paddles if ever his small fishing boat ran aground on treacherous rocks out to sea.

‘Local Man Lost,’ the headline declared last week in the Gazette.

Dropping her gaze she moved on, scanning the sand, seeing a child’s broken red bucket, a faded yellow deckchair, its arm raised at a broken angle. Then she saw the green Wellington boot.

Hurrying forward, she picked it up, emptying its contents of water and, for a long moment, she turned it over and over before putting it down on the sand, placing her right foot beside it and compared its length to her own.

Picking it up again, she tucked it under her arm and as she walked on, continuing her solitary search,the silent bay seemed to echo her own suffocating grief and despair.







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Comments by other Members



Forbes at 10:53 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

sad, well rounded and satisfying.

Was it his wellie?

Cheers

AVis

Jubbly at 11:37 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

this is so evocative and very sad. Beautifully drawn and really took me to the location. Only slight quibble, after the line - lost while fishing for mackeral, there's a shift to flashback and it seemed a bit sudden for me. But that's all, other than that lovely.


J
x

Bunbry at 11:58 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer, I'm not sure if you do many romances but you should as this has a lovely touch.

A few suggestions though!

Change 'but' to 'while' in the first line.

Comma after 'but' in the second line.

Remove 'wide rippled mounds of grey pebbles'.

Line 7 change 'it' to 'one'.

Remove 'Lost while fishing for mackerel; a fish he caught, gutted and barbequed over makeshift fires on the beach. Laughing, he used to wiggle his bloodied fingers at her and she’d squeal in mock horror before he washed his hands in a nearby rock pool'.

I know it seems a hatchet job, but these are only little things and I really enjoyed it.

See what the others say.

Nick


tusker at 14:08 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Avis, Thanks for your kind comment.

It could've been his wellie. A lot of shoes etc get washed up on the beach. During the Foot and Mouth crisis, I came across the body of a man. He'd committed suicide. One shoe was missing.

Jennifer

tusker at 14:10 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Jule for your comment. Glad you liked it.

I should've made it clearer that they were MC's memories while she searched. Will go through it again.

Jennifer

tusker at 14:14 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Nick, I'm not a romantic writer. Went to a Mills and Boon conference once. Amazing how many men attended but listening to a few Mills and Boon authors, I realised I couldn't write happy ever after novels.

If romance is in my story, one of them usually dies.

Thanks too for your pointers.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 15:16 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Sad that she found a wellie Nice writing. I agree about cutting the mackerel bit though. Very nice.

tusker at 19:00 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Oonah, being partial to that fish, I slipped it in. Will edit out again. But if I do it now, I'll be cheating so I'll do it later.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 20:19 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
It's not cheating, Jennifer. The comments show it's been altered so that's not cheating.

tusker at 07:43 on 14 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Oonah, have done as advised without a prick of conscience.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 11:03 on 14 November 2008  Report this post
'ata girl!

Jumbo at 14:53 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Jennifer

This is lovely. Very sad, beautifully described with an amazing image of the poor woman on the strip of sand.

My only comment would be to break up some of those longer sentences. Somehow they too easilly lose their rhythm if allowed to run on for too long. For example, your final sentence would read: {i]"Picking it up again, she tucked it under her arm. She walked on, continuing her solitary search,the silent bay seeming to echo her own suffocating grief and despair."[/i/]

Likewise I think that long second sentence reads better if split after 'face'. Only my opinion, of course. Disregard as appropriate - as many people do!

Having said all of that, a great piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.

Cheers

john

tusker at 16:10 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks John for your kind comments and suggestions.

Jennifer

tractor at 16:52 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

liked this lonely piece. The image of the empty beachand the welli under the arm is quite haunting.

Cheers

Mark

DP at 17:52 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi

It is a desolate scene, beautifully described. I do agree with Jumbo about the long sentences - might be worth having a look at.

I think there's an "in out" that could be cut from the first line.

Looking forward to reading some more of your dark tales.

DP

LMJT at 18:41 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

Very nice flash. Liked the imagery.

Couple of suggestions:

A biting wind chapped Megan’s cheeks adding redness to a pale face but oblivious to needles of sand pricking her skin, she scanned black-humped rocks, wide rippled mounds of grey pebbles and limpid pools where seaweed swayed an invitation to search beneath their brown rubbery skirts.


David laughing at her small feet and she,teasing him about his size twelve’s, calling them flippers with him responding that they’d be useful as paddles if ever his small fishing boat ran aground on treacherous rocks out to sea.

These sentences were a bit long for me. Maybe break them at least once.

Thanks for the read.

Liam



choille at 20:02 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer - very sad with the lonely beach & the wellie find.

Agree with above about the length of sentences - could do with some editing to make it truly splendid.

All the best
Caroline.

tusker at 07:48 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Mark, David, Liam and Caroline. Will edit after your suggestions.

Jennifer

crowspark at 09:01 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Lovely writing. Great twist and a sad ending.
Poetic language and feel. You might want to edit some sentences for clarity and along the lines of less is more in flash. Perhaps play with that second paragraph? I tried swapping it around a bit and wasn't sure about "limpid" - just a thought.

Thanks for the read.
Bill

tusker at 09:06 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Bill. I'll do that and will send it out when polished up.

Jennifer


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