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When It Was Lost

by LMJT 

Posted: 12 November 2008
Word Count: 597
Summary: In response to this week's flash challenge - theme of Lost under 600 words. Any comments gratefully received. :) Liam


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When it was lost, there was nothing that either of them could do. Not he, nor she. The mornings were silent, no breakfast in bed; the evenings were empty, no end of day briefs. If what they had was glass, then it was shattered; if it was here, now it was gone.

Her friends noticed a change. 'What’s going on?' they asked over Chardonnay. 'It’s like you’re a million miles away.' And it was on the tip of her tongue to answer, to tell them everything. But then where would she be? She wasn’t the same in his eyes anymore, so she wouldn’t be the same in theirs either. So she shrugged and smiled. 'Nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong.'

But it was only herself that she was trying to convince.

His friends said that he seemed different too, that he was drinking more, laughing less. 'Was everything okay?' they wanted to know. 'Of course,' he’d answer, opening another can. 'Hand me the cards, let’s have another game.'

In three years, they had built a home together. They had stripped, painted and plastered. They had wandered through furniture shops, chosen the perfect pieces. They had talked about having children, a boy and a girl. Their single pasts had become a shared present. And now what of the future?

'I think we should take a break,' he said one evening over dinner. 'I’ll move out for a while.'
'You don’t need to do that.'
'It’s your flat.'
'But it’s your home too.'
'I don’t mind. We need some space.'
Why do people say that? she wondered. Of all the things they needed, space seemed the last. She poured another glass of wine. Intimacy, closeness, reassurance. That was what she needed. But what did that matter? She’d put her needs first too much, hadn’t she? That was what had ruined everything.

So he moved out, to a friend’s two tube stops away.
'What’s going on?' his friend asked. 'Have you two broken up?'
'I don’t know,' was his reply. 'I don’t know what’s going to happen.'
He slept on the futon that night, imagined her alone in their bed. What had she been thinking? he silently asked the ceiling. Had she even been thinking at all?

It is another month before they speak again, a month in which they’ve gone about their lives as they did before they met.

The café where they meet is empty, the waitress looking over at them, and so they go for a walk.
It is autumn, and there is change in the air, the pavements a tapestry of red and gold leaves. But neither of them notice. They have too much on their minds.
How have you been? he asks.
'Fine. Fine. And you?'
'Oh, okay, you know-,'
'I know.'
They walk in silence for minutes, counting the pavement cracks until she says, 'About what happened-,'
'Please,' he shakes his head. 'We don’t need to go over it again.'
'But-,'
'No.'
Silence again.
'I forgive you,' he says at last.
Her heart swells with hope. She stops walking. 'Thank you. I-,'
'But I can't forget. I can’t look at you without imagining his hands-,'
Tears sting the back of her eyes. 'Can’t I do anything?'
'I don’t think so. I’m sorry.'
She looks at the ground. After all this, he’s saying sorry.

A year later, and now they live in different countries. He in Tokyo, she still in London. And though they are miles apart, they are looking for the same thing, the love that they had and then lost. But neither can find it.






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Comments by other Members



Bunbry at 18:42 on 12 November 2008  Report this post
This was so,so real. Well done I really enjoyed it. Two thing to consider; doing without the first paragraph and not doing without the speech marks!

But see what everyone else says.

Nick

V`yonne at 19:39 on 12 November 2008  Report this post
I agree on both those points.

I think generally when people walk out they don't come back.

LMJT at 21:25 on 12 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks, both, for your comments. I'll leave it up as it is and see what others say.

Liam

tusker at 08:10 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
I enjoyed this one, Liam.

Agree with Nick and Oonah though. Leave out the 1st paragraph and, yes, the lack speech marks had this muddle head a bit confused. For me, if they'd been included, the flash would've have flowed more easily.

LMJT at 09:57 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Tusker, I've added speech marks in order for the piece to flow a bit more readily, but I'll keep the first paragraph in until the end of the week. Someone said before that it was better to do that and gauge people's feedback.

Thanks again.

Liam

Forbes at 10:47 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam

Well I liked the first paragraph! It sets up the story, and I like the way you use the words there. I'd just cut the first sentence with the lost reference. Keep that til last para.

It was the last paragraph I found to "Tell-y". A bit Mills & Boon there!

A year later, and now they live in different countries. He in Tokyo, she still in London. And though they are miles apart, they are looking for the same thing, the love that they had and then lost. But neither can find it.


I'd try:

A year later and they have separate lives in different countries; He in Tokyo, she still in London. And both are still searching for what they lost.

But neither can find it.


Or something like that.

Really liked the piece, well done.

Cheers

Avis

Jubbly at 11:52 on 13 November 2008  Report this post
Really liked this. Very real and so painful. I liked the firs para but perhaps you could lose the word lost, starting at There was nothing either of them could do...
I suppose in some ways the last para is a bit tell-y but by the time I got to it, it didn't jar.

Well done

J
x

LMJT at 10:00 on 14 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Avis and Julie.

Avis, I can see what you mean about the last paragraph and might rework it.

Thanks again,

Liam

Forbes at 12:11 on 14 November 2008  Report this post
You're welcome Liam

Avis

Jordan789 at 06:59 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
I read, and scanned over some responses.

I agree about X'n that first paragrah, first off. It's a summary, and a cliche. Two X's from me. Sorry.

This does seem very real, and I think that authenticity also carries with it a sense of the commonplace and ordinary. I think perhaps the characters could be flushed out. Add some spice. Add some senses. What does that chardonay taste like to a woman whose husband is going to leave her? I bet astringent, or maybe she had just brushed her teeth and then drank the wine!

I focused on that example because I think in some instances you need to focus the camera a little more. Pull in on certain details because right now I think the story glosses over the nitty-gritty of it all, which is where a lot of the story comes from.

3 words to spare... maybe you can disobey the word count in a revision. =p

i wonder what else is going on in their lives!

Jordan

Jumbo at 15:02 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Liam

Hi

It's Confused here! Has that opening paragraph gone already? Or is the paragraph 'When it was lost...' still the same opening paragraph? 'Cos I like it. For me it sets the story up, and in so few words I think you need to do that.

I like this a lot - it really works for me just as it is. And I really like the touch that it is him that says sorry!

Wonderful writing, nicely done.

All the best

john

tractor at 16:49 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam,

a common story but a well written one!

Cheers

Mark

DP at 17:59 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam,

Almost seems there's a vote going on here!

So for tuppence - Yes to the first paragraph, Yes to the speech marks, No the last paragraph.

I think you've all detail you could reasonably squash into the word count in, and you move the timeline on too.

Liked it very much.

DP

choille at 19:56 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam,

I liked this - so sad - everything seems so sad this week.

Stumbled a bit over
'...no end of day briefs.'
Thought that was rude, but then pulled myself together.

I liked the end bit - the hope when he says he's forgiven her - very big of him, but he can't forget - very honest of him, but her hopes are dashed.

Smooth read for me.
All the best
Caroline.



crowspark at 08:25 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Very sad. A worthy winner, Liam.
I'm with Caroline on the briefs ;
Tiny typo
break,; he




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