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Love Is Not A Young Man`s Game

by Zettel 

Posted: 01 November 2008
Word Count: 203
Related Works: A Cross Schtick • 

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Love Is Not A Young Man’s Game

Can you feel her sadness
before she sheds her tears
Can you embrace her doubts
before she shows her fears
Do you simply hold her
when that is all she needs
Does she feel truly heard
wherever her heart leads

Do you know her body
as if it were your own
Can you calm thrill ease her
with love she’s never known
Can you simply take her
with tender confidence
can you make her feel safe
relinquish reticence

Does she share her laughter
can you get her to smile
Can you forget your pain
to hold love and reconcile
Do you depend on her
when you are feeling low
is your life together
enough to let love grow

Is she all you will need
in body mind and heart
can you fight and make up
stay loyal when apart
destiny is union
re-union some have said
woman man communion
there life and love is led

If this is how you feel
if this is what you know
if love’s respect is real
then depth in love will grow
love loss you face as one
together on life’s stage
nothing counts but passion
most certainly not age

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Comments by other Members

DJC at 19:45 on 02 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Zettel,

Well, you've taken on what is probably the hardest meter in poetry, the trimeter! It is a very old form, being that used in Greek drama for the speaking parts. There are some lovely images here, such as the idea of 'man woman in communion'. For me, though, some of the lines seem forced, with the meter not quite flowing. An example is this:

Do you simply hold her
when that is all she needs
Do you hear her not just listen
wherever her heart leads

For me, the first two lines have an iambic movement that the second two lines lose, as there are four spondees in a row (all of the syllables stressed). It jars a bit to read.

There is no reason for the trimeter to use iambs all the way through, in the same way that a sonnet sounds too 'dum-de-dum' if it overuses them. But it is important to think carefully about sprung rhythm in poetry, as it can make or break a poem's efficacy.

Hope this helps!


Tina at 06:13 on 03 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Zettel

What I like about this poem is its rhythm and regularity, I agree with Darren about the metre in places but I did enjoy this. It is so hard to keep a tight metre going without it seeming false and strained - I guess that is why the early poets sound so accomplished - there is such skill in it. What I worry about is that the metre can take over the direction of the writing and 'drive' it forward in ways we don't always want to go. Well done you for working at this one.


Zettel at 18:52 on 05 November 2008  Report this post
Hey guys

Thanks for the comments. I wasn't 'trying' for any pattern - I thought a meter was what the gas man comes to read. Poems just impose their rhythm on me. That said there were some lines here that made the tongue trip and the mind stumble - so I've tried to even things out - to improve the flow.

A bit better I think - thanks to your help.



ellynelly at 19:47 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Dear Zettel,

Just wanted to say that I also enjoyed your poem. And I found the comments on rhythm and metre to be interesting.

I've just started to think a bit more about (and try to write) intentionally using metre; like you, I usually just go with a flow that seems to suit.

Just saying a poem out loud usually catches the spots which might trip a reader.


Zettel at 22:44 on 09 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Elly

I agree speaking a poem out loud helps a lot.



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