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Dark TImes

by Jordan789 

Posted: 24 October 2008
Word Count: 303
Summary: For the CHallenge


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Jim worked as a student camp counselor at a rich kid’s sanctuary. Instead of knock hockey, they had polo. The cafeteria grilled ribeye steaks. At the end of the day, he stayed a half hour later than the other counselors to help Marlene finish the daily reports. When the sun went down he could go home. Her rule.

But it didn’t, not that day.

Instead, the galaxy’s flaming eye sat on the horizon, across the lake, atop the points of some giant pines. And stayed there like cotton candy on a stick, held in fire. He looked at his watch. Seven-forty three. It had been Seven-forty three for too long. The cheap thing had broken.

He stood up from the office chair, filled his water cup. Marlene should have finished locking up the stables and outbuildings already. Outside, on the porch, he looked across the field to where the stables were. A slight breeze chilled his limbs. He wanted a sweatshirt. He wanted sweat pants and a fireplace. He wanted to curl up in bed and listen to the news on the radio.

“Marlene!” He shouted. The cicadas trilled. The lake stirred. “Marlene!” He shouted again. He returned inside. The paperwork had been finished. He only needed to tell her that he would be leaving. He decided to write a note. The pen didn’t work. He tried another pen directly from the box. Nothing. Only indentations in the paper. No ink.

The cicadas buzzed louder.

The hell with it all. When he turned the key in his ignition, the engine turned over and sputtered on.

The next morning two police cruisers were parked in the handicap spots. The buses were waved away. He had to talk to the police. Marlene had been found in the stables. He had heard nothing but the cicadas.






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Comments by other Members



Bunbry at 08:54 on 25 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan, this reads like the start of a really good story [a man's colleague is found dead at their place of work...] but I'm not sure it's a story in it's own right. But very well written as always.

Nick

tusker at 09:33 on 25 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

A good build up. A great sense of place and rising apprehension. As Nick says, this could be the making of a bigger story.

I want to know what caused the biros not to work and the cicadas being louder than they normally are.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 10:59 on 25 October 2008  Report this post
I think you've got two stories here. I'm totally suckered in with anything where time appears to stand still. Time seemed to do that here - but we never find out why -wonderful descriptions of the sun on the horizon and the pen not working - building up nicely

then it changed into a murder story at the end. Murder's good - it just doesn't match the spooky intriguing kick off.

So I think the whodunnits will want their story finished and I'm left wanting some sci-fi/horror/weirdo stuff.

As the inspiration for a longer piece, you have lots to work with here and I'd love to read it.
Oonah

crowspark at 08:15 on 26 October 2008  Report this post
Some fine writing here. I'm not sure it works as a flash at the moment as there are too many ends left hanging. Possibly the start of a longer piece? I would certainly want to read that!
Unless those pesky cicadas did it!
Thanks for an impressive read.

LMJT at 12:50 on 26 October 2008  Report this post
I love the writing here, but feel, like the others have said, that this is part of a larger picture. It's an original idea, and I'd like to see more develop.

Good stuff.

Liam

choille at 16:10 on 26 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan - I think it was him what done her in - time stood still & he's blanked it out.

Very intriquing read - very well written.

All the best
Caroline.


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