Login   Sign Up 



 

From The Darkness - Chapter Three

by LMJT 

Posted: 12 October 2008
Word Count: 1759
Summary: Hi everyone, this is the third chapter of my novel. I've kind of rearranged the order a bit, so this may not come after the last excerpt I uploaded. I'm so sorry it's late being uploaded, and completely understand if you don't have time to read the whole piece. A chapter before, Daniel found out that his estranged son of fifteen years was in prison.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Two days after I'd telephoned the prison, I met the postman as I left for work. I tore open the one envelope he gave me as I walked to the car, and inside was a prison visiting form.

So Christopher had agreed to my visit, I thought as I placed the form in my briefcase, snapping it shut. He must have. ‘A prisoner has the right to decline a visiting request.’ That’s what I was told when I called. And they’d have let him know who I was, wouldn’t they? He must know that it was me; the father he'd no doubt forgotten.

I filled in the form at my desk during morning break. I wrote as requested in black block capitals: name, date of birth, relationship to the prisoner, signature. And I took the time to be neat, unlike the almost illegible scrawls I made when marking. I suppose I felt as if this was a first impression. Christopher would probably never see it, of course. But if he did, I wanted him to know that I took my time. I wanted him to know I was taking it seriously. This was a new start, I told myself as I folded the page in half and slipped it into an envelope. A time to right my wrongs.

When Samantha and I were together, she was always the far less organized of the two of us. It took my want and need for compartmentalization to maintain any kind of order in our lives. Throughout our marriage I kept a file of important documents and correspondence to and from any companies we dealt with, all labelled in different colours for ease of reference: insurance companies, pink; gas, blue; electricity, green; bank, red. If ever I sent a letter, I made sure to take a copy for my own records.

This was a habit that I became rather used to, and at lunchtime I took the form to the photocopying room.
The room is usually deserted at this time of day, so when I opened the door I was surprised to see Jane’s large frame at the copier.

She turned and smiled simply. 'Daniel, I haven't seen you at all today. How are you?'

'Fine,' I said. ‘Are you going to be long?'

'No, no,' she chirped. 'Two minutes. Two minutes.'

And for the next two minutes she chattered away about how she was convinced there was some illicit affair going on between Marianne, the airhead drama teacher, and Alan, the incompetent deputy head. It was a match that I dared not imagine.

'I came in here the other day,' Jane said, her voice a whisper I reluctantly strained to hear, 'and they were both the colour of tomatoes. I mean, I wouldn't mind, but he's married. Kids as well. Little ones. Just yesterday he was telling me about taking them on holiday to Florida.’ She shook her head and tut-tutted. ‘It's not right if you ask me.'

I nodded but said nothing. This is one of the things I despise most about working in the school. It isn't the teaching of children who couldn't care less about the subject, nor the fact that I've been pedalling the same syllabus for fifteen years. It's the idle gossip. If anyone hears anything about another member of staff, it's shared over coffee and biscuits almost immediately. ‘Wait till you hear this,’ they say, wide eyed at the thought of sharing of a secret. ‘Guess what I heard.’ Or my personal ‘favourite’, ‘I shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ No one confides in me, of course, but I overhear their hushed conversations and become infuriated by their indiscretions, sure that I will one day be the subject of their trivial tittle-tattle.

'Right,' Jane said as she picked up a stack of photocopies from the tray. 'It’s all yours.'

'Thank you.'

I waited for a moment, expecting her to walk out of the room and carry on with her lunchtime elsewhere. But, no, she stood to my side and started to tell me how she’d been overcharged for a sausage roll in Parsons over the weekend and the manager hadn’t believed her.

‘I felt like a fraud,’ she said. ‘I mean, I’m hardly likely to con them out of fifty-four pence, am I? I’m one of their best customers.’

I muttered in agreement, but her presence was making me uncomfortable. I didn't want to take the form from my briefcase for fear that she would see what it was. It was unlikely, of course, but it was possible, and when you value your privacy as much as I do, such moments become minefields.

'Have you more photocopying to do, Jane?' I asked.
She shook her head. 'But I'll wait for you. It's nice having a natter, isn't it?'

'I've a four-page test to photocopy for my year eights,'

I lied. ‘I might be a while.’

'Well, I can help you. I'll staple it together if you like.’ She rubbed her hands together. ‘You know me, happy to help.'

'That's kind, Jane,’ I said, aware that my tone was curt, maybe even rude. ‘But it's really not necessary.'

I could tell from her frown that my words had smarted, and I felt a pang of guilt for the way I was treating her.

She cleared her throat. ‘Well, I suppose I’ll see you later then.' She stepped over to the door, then paused and cocked her head to one side. 'Is everything okay?' she asked. 'I mean, you've seemed a bit-, a bit distant these last couple of weeks and -,'

'I'm fine, Jane,' I said, cutting her short. 'Just settling back into a new term.'

She smiled sadly as if she knew that I was keeping something from her. ‘So long as that’s all it is.’

When she'd gone, I placed the form under the lid of the photocopier and as the machine whirred into action I thought how easy it had been to lie to her. 'I'm fine,' I'd said, when inside I was anything but. Though I suppose having told lies of the magnitude that I have in the past, little untruths like those feel like nothing at all. In fact, they can even feel like the truth for they trip off the tongue so readily. It is a side of myself that I deplore, but is now so deeply engrained that I can see no other way of being. And in time I’ve learnt to accept that. I’ve learnt to accept that completely.

That was Monday, and when I came home on Friday evening there was a note on the living room table in Mario's writing: 'Someone called for you. No name. He will call back this evening. I'm at the restaurant tonight. Luana will be come over about seven o’clock. Hope that is okay. See you later.'

I read the note twice, unsure as to what I wanted it to mean. Could it be Christopher? I asked myself. But why would he have rung?

I placed the note back on the table and walked into the kitchen. As I poured a glass of wine, I imagined the worst, thoughts tangling in my mind. Perhaps he was calling to say that he didn't want me to visit, perhaps he wanted nothing to do with me. And could I blame him? No. Had I expected too much? Probably.

Sitting at the table, I flicked through the free local paper, not reading anything, just staring through the black and white pages.

An hour passed, and the phone didn't ring.

Two hours passed; still nothing.

When I saw that it was seven o'clock, I walked into the kitchen to make myself dinner, more for the distraction than because of any hunger.

I threw together an omelette and had just sat at the table when the phone rang, breaking the familiar silence.
It rang once, twice, three times before I crossed to the other side of the room and picked it up.

There was a lot of noise in the background, and he said nothing for so long that I thought he’d hang up.
When he spoke, his voice was so quiet that I almost didn’t hear.

‘I saw the form you sent,’ he said.

I sat in the armchair beside the sideboard, stretching the phone cord as far as it would reach.

‘It must have been a shock. I’m sorry. How are you? Is that a stupid question? I don’t know.’

When I heard myself rambling, I stopped talking and stared ahead at my featureless reflection in the blank television screen, waiting for him to speak again.

Almost a minute passed before he asked, ‘Why do you want to see me?’

I was about to answer when the front door opened and Luana called a cheery, ‘Hello’ from the hallway.

When she walked into the room and saw that I was on the phone, she cupped her face in her hands and whispered ‘sorry.’ I held up my hand as a wave and hoped she’d go straight to Mario’s room, closing the door behind her, but instead she walked into the kitchen and I heard the clattering of plates.

‘Who was that?’ Christopher asked.

‘My lodger’s girlfriend.’

‘Aren’t you married?’

‘No.’

'How come?'

I ignored the question and waited until Luana had walked past and into Mario’s room before saying, ‘I’ll only visit if you want me to.’

There was a beep-beep at his end of the line. ‘I’ve got two minutes left,’ he said. ‘You only get half an hour a day and I spoke to-,’

‘How was she?’ I interrupted, knowing that he meant Samantha.

He didn't answer and I suppose I admired his loyalty.

‘Why do you want to come?’ he asked.

‘Because I’m sorry.’

There was a long silence and I thought our time had run out. ‘For leaving?’

‘ For everything.’ Hearing another beep-beep, though I know I shouldn’t have pushed him, I asked, ‘Will you let me?’

I heard him speak to someone else at the other end of the line, then to me, ‘Part of me wants to tell you to fuck off, but the other part-, I don’t know.’

‘I understand if you don’t want me to. Of course I’ll understand.’

Luana walked back into the room and to the paper rack in the corner, shuffling through the stack of newspapers and magazines. What the hell was she looking for? Couldn’t she tell this was a private conversation?

‘If you want,’ Christopher said, ‘you can come next Thursday.’






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Cornelia at 11:54 on 13 October 2008  Report this post
I think I just read the first chapter of this before, so am not too familiar with all the characters, such as Luana. I thought it read very well, particularly the two main incidents which raised the correct amount of unease in the reader's mind. The colour-coding of bills, etc. was worrying, too, raising questions about the reliability of the narrator in addition to his apparent alienation from his colleagues.

Only one bit I thought could be improved:

Jane’s large frame at the copier


bulky presence?

large body?

I think 'frame' sounds a bit too technical. However, I may be wrong, so feel free to ignore.

Sheila

julietoc at 19:52 on 14 October 2008  Report this post
this chapter has a great pace and flow, but i did want the phonecall to deliver a little more - it came across as a bit matter of fact, it could do with be a bit more faltering and possibly emotional, imo.

a couple of minor points. She turned and smiled simply, would cut simply, and the following speech tag 'she chirped' just has to go, unless she is a canary.

in the para beginning i nodded but said nothing - i would cut the line beginning 'wait till you hear...' right up until 'no-one confides in me. the exemplar speech is not needed and over-eggs it.

great stuff though.

Have had to take it off my shelf on authonomy to make room for others, but still on my watchlist and will go back on soon.

LMJT at 10:10 on 15 October 2008  Report this post
Thanks Sheila and Juliet, really helpful comments.

Juliet, thanks for backing the 'book' on Authonomy. I really appreciate it. Am thinking of abandoning that site soon though as it's ridiculously time consuming trying to get anywhere. I feel like I've dropped the ball a bit with my writing, too, trying to manage everything. What are your thoughts on it?

Thanks again, both.

Liam

Cornelia at 12:19 on 15 October 2008  Report this post
Just had a quick look at the website and remember reading about it in a newspaper/magazine. Doesn't look too heavy to post chapters but I suppose all the reading could be time-consuming. Interesting, though, in terms of seeing what people like.

Sheila

LMJT at 17:03 on 15 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Sheila, yes, it is interesting, but it's proven to be so, so time consuming trying to get your book read by people who will give you more feedback than, 'Yes, it's good' in order to get you to look at theirs. Part of me thinks I should take it down, but the other part thinks it's doing reasonably well and to take it down would be silly. I don't know, I'm going to give it a month or so and see what happens.

Liam

julietoc at 17:29 on 15 October 2008  Report this post
i'd definitely leave it up for a couple of months whilst it is riding high - but i agree about the time consuming element on authonomy. If you don't keep up a presence then your book is likely to slip away into the ether. I've also found that all my reading time is taken up with reading books of those who have commented on mine (i don't have to reciprocate but it feels like i ought to) and therefore i am not actually discovering and reading stuff i want to. I have been a bit quiet on there for last few days and not posted onto forums, consequently i've not received any comments either. There is a fatal flaw in the system that YWO avoids by assigning reads - in that you end up with small cliques reviewing and backing each others books.

I really can't decide, like you, whether it is worth all the time it takes to take part, and my own writing is definitely suffering.

Cornelia at 22:16 on 15 October 2008  Report this post
Yes, I can't see it won't be very helpful to the publishers if some writers form cliques to promote one another's works. So assigned reads are a good idea.

Is YWO a separate organisation then? I keep wondering what the letters stand for - Young Writers Organisation, maybe?

Sheila



LMJT at 11:50 on 16 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Sheila, YWO is You Write On. It's funded by the Arts Council. I'm on there, but haven't used it too much as you get allocated a book that may not be your style and it's not as immediate as this site. However, I think it's probably fairer than Authonomy. To be honest, though, I think having my mind on all these different things is very distracting and I've lost sight of actually writing anything for the last two weeks or so!

Juliet, yes, I agree. I think I will leave it up a while longer, maybe into November, but then I'm going to reconsider. There are definite cliques on there and some of the forum postings drive me mad! Like you, I try to reciporicate those who have commented on my work, but then you get stuck in a bit of a rut.

Anyway, I'll come to a decision soon!

Thanks both for your help.

Liam

Xena at 23:26 on 19 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam,

In these extracts my favourite episodes are at school. I like the interactions between the colleagues. I think you do them exceptionally well.

There's only one thing I would adjust here. I would give much more of Daniels' feelings and even sensations during the phone call with his son. This is the first time he speaks to his son after so many years. His heart may be pounding, he may be trembling, he may feel like the end of the world etc. As it is, it seems that he feels nothing except of the irritation at Luana's presence.

Cheers!




Gillian75 at 11:51 on 20 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam! Well done on another great extract. I haven't really much to criticise here as it flows well and I can really feel for poor Daniel. Again I love your style of writing. It's very 'you' and I think it's what makes the story stand out.

So Christopher had agreed

I'd use 'has' instead.

I flicked through the free local paper, not reading anything, just staring through the black and white pages

Just a little suggestion Liam - our company produces a free weekly too but ours is full colour, not black and white, and I think a lot of free papers are colour (?) Just a thought - I am the minion of the newspaper world

I'm afraid I don't have anything else to add that the others haven't mentioned, so well done so far and I look forward to the next episode!
G


PS - Can I join in on the Authonomy discussion? I agree that it's really time-consuming and yes, it does have a major flaw in that a small proportion of people back each other's books. Having said that, Liam - you've done really well on there. And Juliet - I must seek you out too! I always try to read the first chapter in total, then skim the following chapters. There's no way you can just read and read all day.
Also the site managed to screw up my books over the weekend and I spend hours trying to rectify it - the pitches and chapters were all muddled up and occasionally duplicated when I clicked on my home page - ggrrrrrr.

LMJT at 12:13 on 20 October 2008  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Gillian, I shall amend as you suggested. Apologies, too, for not getting round to reading your work yet, I will do so by the end of the day.

RE Authonomy. I don’t think I can be bothered with it anymore. I plugged my book for the first time today and it pretty much sank without trace! Plus, so many of the people on the forums get on my nerves! I like the feedback, but I don’t really see it as a way to being published at all. I’m in two minds as to whether or not to take my book down, but think I will see how it’s looking by the beginning of next month.


barjoker at 18:12 on 20 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam

I do like the way this character is developing - the fussiness and irritability, the difficulty he has connecting with others - he's clearly someone who is uncomfortable with intimacy. I'm not feeling very articulate today but I love the understated way you have brought out the character of this sad, lonely man. I'm also enjoying his perspective of the school and his teaching colleagues as someone older and, it seems, from a different world.

I only have a few very minor nitpicks, overall this was a great chapter.

she was always the far less organized of the two of us
- sounded a bit clumsy, could you simplify it?

Jane's large frame
- agree that this jars.

pedalling
- think should be peddling

wide-eyed at the thought of sharing a secret
- 'wide-eyed' didn't seem quite right here, normally used to connote astonishment, fear etc

sure that I will one day be the subject
- surely he must already be - wouldn't he realise this?

She rubbed her hands together
- she seems excessively keen on the prospect of stapling!

She smiled sadly
- not sure about the adverb here, bit too much of a tell?

untruths like those
- maybe 'these' would fit better?

Luana will be come over
- didn't know if this was deliberate, but Mario's English has seemed better than this until now.

rambling
- babbling might be better? rambling suggests, to me, going off at a tangent during a story.

Hope this helps anyway!

J



toshi at 16:02 on 28 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam,

First of all great title. Has you thinking before you even start reading. I loved the way you put in two instances of the MC not being able to find the privacy he needs for his problems with his son, making the second with Luana balance the first with Jane. The conversation with the son was very potent and well done, filled with heavy meaning and emotion after all the mundane frustrations of the day. You understand that this is what is important here.

A few times I thought you could cut down on the words.

Like
She turned and smiled simply
– do you need simply?

She was always the far less organized
– just “less organized” would do, no far.

“My want and need for compartmentalization” – Just “My need for…” is all that’s required here.

The MC is interesting in the way he dislikes tittle tattle, but listens to it anyway. He is obviously very insecure, because the thing he really worries about is whether the tittle tattle is about him.

Should it be “This is one of the things I dislike most about working in the school”, not despise? Can you despise something that isn’t a thing?

Could it be Christopher? I asked myself.
Do you need “I asked myself”?

The MC “walked into the kitchen” twice in close succession. He also “flicked through the free local paper….just staring through (better at?) the black and white pages”

When he spoke, his voice was so quiet that I almost didn’t hear.
“I saw the form you sent,” he said.
You don’t need “he said” here.

“He didn’t answer and I suppose I admired his loyalty.”
Do you need “I suppose”? It seems better just to make these things definite and leave it up to the reader to decide whether he’s being honest.

I hope this is helpful, sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said as I read this off screen.

Best wishes
Toshi


LMJT at 17:20 on 28 October 2008  Report this post
Jo and Toshi,

Thank you so much for your comments, really helpful. I shall take them into consideration in my rewrite.

Liam


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .