Login   Sign Up 



 

Sanctuary

by Epona Love 

Posted: 29 September 2008
Word Count: 322
Summary: A brief part of a story that I would like to get feedback on before continueing, does the way it's written work for the subject? Thanks.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


The wind and rain crashed against the old tin roof of the small simple church. It seemed to physically shake under the pressure, wooden beams creaking and groaning within the hollow structure, which seemed to echo with the sound of her gasping breath as she crossed the threshold. She put her weight against the solid oak door and fought the powerful wind. Gaining ground, despite her sodden feet slipping on the wet tiles, the door slid back into it's frame. The deafening roar of the wind slackened to a muffled howl, like an abandoned dog shut out to fend for itself.
Still leaning against the heavy door, she thought she could feel the building vibrating, shuddering, with an accompanying sharp tapping sound... Where was that noise coming from? Trying to focus her mind, she realised the tapping was inside her own head, the steady rhythm of her chattering teeth. Looking down in the dim light, she could vaguely make out her shaking hands. wet and smeared with... what? She asked herself, "mud... or blood...?" She couldn't tell. Her hands felt raw from clawing her way through the woods.
As feeling returned to her senses, sharp stinging pain seemed to spread across the whole of her body, kept at bay by adrenaline and the cold until now. Every inch of her body ached, and her lungs felt sore from struggling to regain her breath. She sank to the floor, her energy exhausted, and her will to care, gone.
She just wanted to sit there, stay there forever. Did it matter anymore if he found her now? It would be over quickly, at least.
Her matted hair, plastered to her face with rain and dirt, steadily released little rivers of muddy water, which disguised a solitary tear that fell.

The tear left a trace of purity, all that remained of the child she had once been, before the innocence had been cruelly ripped away.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Michele at 11:17 on 30 September 2008  Report this post
Emma,
It's very suspenseful and definitely intriguing as well as raising alot of questions, which is good as it definitely keeps me reading.
The only confusion I had was in the first paragraph- I couldn't figure out if she was on the inside or the outside.
The tear left a trace of purity, all that remained of the child she had once been, before the innocence had been cruelly ripped away.
This is a great sentence but I don't think it fits with the rest of the flow of the story.
Hope it helps.
Michele

Epona Love at 19:02 on 30 September 2008  Report this post
Thanks Michele, I've changed the entrance bit slightly on your suggestion, hopefully it's enough. At the end of this part I was planning to write a bit of a flash back to where it all began before resolving the present situation etc, so I've seperated the sentence now, and will use it as a clearer break to move from the present to the past. Thanks.
Emma x

sazenfrog at 19:49 on 30 September 2008  Report this post
Hello Emma, the changes have definitely made it clearer. The scene is better set and while the suspense is maintained, the reader is no longer confused.

I have no idea how old the mc is or whether the innocence has just been ripped away or whether it was done some time in the past. I suppose the idea is the reader discovers this little by little?

The imagery is great. I was right there in the storm!

Sarah x

Caregan at 21:54 on 30 September 2008  Report this post
Hey Emma,

Loved it - the mystery, atmosphere and suspense is beautifully built up through this, short though it is. I especially liked the line:

The deafening roar of the wind slackened to a muffled howl, like an abandoned dog shut out to fend for itself.


One tiny comment about the opening line:

The wind and rain crashed against the old tin roof of the small simple church.


It jarred with me very slightly that there were two sets of double-adjectives (old tin roof/small simple church) so close together - but that's probably just me! My only other comment would be about the description of the tear at the end - it's a lovely image and I think you could even extend that to make a little bit more out of describing it and the trail of purity it leaves on her face.

Anyhow, this is just minor-league nit-picking because I think it's great. I'm looking forward to seeing where you're going!
Caregan

ang at 07:50 on 01 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Emma,
It's very difficult to judge this as you haven't given an outline of the story or genre that would classify it.
I enjoyed this and think it is a great start, but obviously it depends on where you intend to take the story.
Angela

Deborah at 15:43 on 01 October 2008  Report this post
Emma, although I'm not usually one for descriptive prose I found myself drawn into this (helped enormously by it not being too l-o-n-g) and also loved:
The deafening roar of the wind slackened to a muffled howl, like an abandoned dog shut out to fend for itself.

Pure evocativeness (if that's word!?).
As an opening it's just great and I look forward to seeing where it's going from here. Love the suspensful hook.
Debs


Trina at 20:00 on 02 October 2008  Report this post
Emma, I think this is really powerful writing. I was almost holding my breath reading it.

I didn't think you needed to remind the reader that she was
Still leaning against the heavy door
That kind of broke the flow a little bit but it's so minor I shouldn't even mention it.

I think it would be really strong opening but I hope it's not going to end up being a graphic rape scene or something like that. But then again that's only my opinion, I get upset watching the news.

Looking forward to reading more... Please let her have a happy ending.
Trina x

manicmuse at 19:40 on 08 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Emma,
Sorry I've taken so long to get to this. Way behind with Write words, my novel and the ironing! I thought this was a very powerful piece of writing. Moody and evocative, slightly scary with a hint of something/someone awful to follow. I do agree with the comments about the old tin/small simple church, just drated a little for me. I'd love to see where you're going to take this? Fx

Sidewinder at 13:57 on 09 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Emma,
Sorry I'm so late getting to this. I think it's great - you've created a really strong, sinister atmosphere. It gives the reader a real sense of foreboding about what's to come.

I also loved this line:
The deafening roar of the wind slackened to a muffled howl, like an abandoned dog shut out to fend for itself.


It's a very intriguing piece, really hooks the reader in.

C x


Forbes at 01:10 on 11 October 2008  Report this post
Hi

very full of suspense this. Not sure where in your story it comes. In intro? it drew me in very effectively.

Comments:

second sentence - 2 "seemed"s - could you lose one?

Liked the howling dog bit!

Start of second para - could she slump against the door?

The tension could be drawn out more, perhaps? (Before she doesn't care if he finds her).

Good stuff, kept me reading and now I'm waiting to read more.

Cheers

Avis



To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .