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A Night Out With The Girls

by Jordan789 

Posted: 19 September 2008
Word Count: 299
Summary: for the Late challenge. Thanks in advanced for reading.


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“Shit,” said Sandra. She fingered her mother’s pearl earrings into her ears and stabbed a stocking-shadowed foot into a pump. One more look in the mirror. “Okay. I will talk to you later,” she said.

“Say hello to Ivy for me,” said her husband, and she was half way down the block when she realized she did not kiss him good bye.

She waited for the subway car to arrive. She waited for the doors to open. She waited for the people to flood out. She waited for the crowd of people to nudge up the stairs. She waited for the light to change on seventh avenue, and then on Broadway. She waited for the eyes of twelve million people to stop and watch her cross the street.

When she arrived at the restaurant she was ten minutes late, and a blister had welled up on her left foot. She ordered a cocktail and the bartender poured her a blue drink in a martini glass. She bit off the head off the Swedish fish garnish. She remembered what he had said about playing footsy in restaurants. Nothing got him hotter. It sounded funny coming from a grown man that owned and piloted his own helicopter. She unbuckled her right shoe, clamped the thin leather strap between her toes.

“I’m sorry, my cab driver was a nut. Honestly,” he said.

“It’s not your fault,” she said. “If you were on time you would have waited for me.”

He laughed at this, and she laughed with him. With her bare big toe, she felt the rim of his sock around his hairy leg. “I could watch you smile at me all day,” she said.

“I could let you,” he said, and then he flagged the waitress down and ordered a drink.







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Comments by other Members



Forbes at 22:14 on 19 September 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I can honestly say I have NO idea what is going on here. It all seemed straightforward, until she got to the restaurant, then I lost it! About the time the fish was mentioned!

That said, I like the style and the writing, a great deal. There are little... flags in the text which I am sure should mean something, point me somewhere, but I haven't a clue. Sorry!

One thing I did pick up was a probable(!) typo

She bit off the head off the Swedish fish garnish.


- too many offs?

Good luck with this, and I'll be interested to see what someoneelse makes of this.

Cheers

Avis

V`yonne at 22:53 on 19 September 2008  Report this post
So she wasn't late because he was - and she's playing away and her husband thinks she's meeting Ivy... Naughty! At least I think I got it...

Jumbo at 23:02 on 19 September 2008  Report this post
Jordan

Hi. Enjoyed this. Like Avis not entirely sure what you were telling us but I enjoyed the setup and the pace of the piece.

“If you were on time you would have waited for me.”?? Mmm...but weren't they both late? - she by ten minutes; him considerably longer - apparently?

I think this is a husband and wife playing at being unfaithful. Sandra's husband does in fact pilot a helicopter! The reason she took so much time getting to the restaurant was to give him a chance to get there before her - which he evidently failed to do - and then they would play footsie under the table like two illicit and illegal (maybe even illiterate - or alliterate) lovers who had left their respective longtime partners at home (with the au pair).

Go on. Tell me I'm right.

Thanks for the read.

john

Forbes at 13:47 on 20 September 2008  Report this post
...Who is Ivy?

crowspark at 22:43 on 20 September 2008  Report this post
Nice writing, Jordan. I didn't have any difficulty understanding what was going on. It did feel to me that it needed a little extra. There is a twist, in that she is not meeting Ivy, but I'm not sure I understood the emotional content of the flash. Did she feel guilty, was he hot in bed, was it exciting.
But, as I said, nicely put together.

Bill

Bunbry at 12:48 on 21 September 2008  Report this post
I love the writing you have used, very clever and descriptive. But like some of the others, not 100% sure about the plot.

Nick

Mazzy at 21:07 on 24 September 2008  Report this post
Leaving aside the morality for a moment, I really liked the warmth and humour of this illicit encounter. I think you do give enough clues to what's happening to make it clear from the title and the reference to 'Ivy' that the wife is telling lies to her husband to meet someone else.

There isn't quite enough to give away whether the helicopter is a figment of his imagination just to impress her.

I liked the detailed references to her feet (eg 'stocking-shadowed' and the blister and big toe poking through).

There were a couple of places where I think the dialogue would be more natural if you used contractions....e.g. "I'll talk to you later..." and "you'd have waited for me".

Also, I really liked that line

"I could let you," he said


and almost wished that it ended there. Perhaps you could swap around the contextualising action (if you feel it's important) to end on that note?

he flagged the waitress down and ordered a drink. "I could let you,” he said.


Anyway, I liked this subtly drawn encounter, even if some others found it a little too illusive.

Mazzy



<Added>

Argghhhh....I didn't mean "illusive", I meant "elusive"!


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