Extinction
Posted: 16 September 2008
Word Count: 155
Summary: For Bill's 'Late' challenge
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No one is there to see them, for they lie far beyond the orbit of Mars. Fifty thousand asteroids tumbling and jostling in the blackness of space. Unobserved.
They have done so for nearly 5 billion years, answerable to no one, obeying nought but the laws of gravity. They are space debris – pieces of a planet the mighty forces of Jupiter refused to allow. Some are giants over a hundred miles across, but most are babies chasing each other around the oh-so distant Sun, it’s heat and light feeble this deep into space.
And every once in a while they collide and splinter. Today, one, less than a mile across, is nudged by a neighbour and begins its two year journey to Earth. No one witnesses the rock as it gracefully, silently, speeds through the void towards a blue dot in the blackness.
Men go about their business, unaware that a countdown has begun.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 12:03 on 17 September 2008
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Great start but I thought a bit tell in that last sentence. You could leave us with a sense of horror or suspense instead. I liked the hurtling rock image - came over strongly.
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 Bunbry at 12:44 on 17 September 2008
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Thanks for the comment Oonah. Not sure I entirely agree with your take on the 'tell' issue.
I felt the reader needed to understand the scale of the threat, and with the rock being small, people might think it will only leave a big hole in the ground.
To me 'tell' is wrong when you tell a reader your MC is beautiful or charismatic, rather than showing these traits through descriptive writing.
I don't think stating a fact is quite the same.
No doubt others will have their say on the issue!
Nick
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 manicmuse at 15:59 on 17 September 2008
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I really liked this and loved this line albeit a bit of a scary notion...
| Today, one, less than a mile across, is nudged by a neighbour and begins its two year journey to Earth |
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I did wonder about the ending but I think because I felt a change of language in the last two lines, like the whole piece marries beautifully language wise and the line line grates a little? I'm actually not sure why so I'm probably not being helpful at all! Fx
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Forbes at 18:15 on 17 September 2008
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Hi Nick
liked this, but could see what's been mentioned. My suggestion:
| Man needs to see it, stop it, before it’s too late. For it will finish us as a species if we don’t. |
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Change to
Man needs to see it, stop it - for it will finish us.
Before it’s too late. |
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Ignore at will as always!
Cheers
Avis
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Bunbry at 18:26 on 17 September 2008
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Hi manic, thanks for the comments.
I know what you mean about the change at the end, and I'm sure this is not the finished product yet [awaiting suggestions!]. But I felt I needed to end that way as otherwise it would not have met the 'late 'challenge.
And without the ending it would have been a essay on asteroids, rather than a piece of fiction.
Nick
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Bunbry at 18:29 on 17 September 2008
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Hi Avis, thanks for the suggestion - not ingoring it [never would] but quietly keeping my options open while seeing what others say!
Nick
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 crowspark at 20:35 on 17 September 2008
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I like this, Nick.
Great image in your opener and I like the danger implied by your description.
I think you could rewrite the last sentence staying with the rock. I dunno, "Will (name of a telescope) see the flash of ice as it tumbles past the Moon. And will they act in time before ...."
You get the idea. Give us a picture of it happening rather than saying it will happen.
Hope this helps.
Bill
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Jordan789 at 22:25 on 17 September 2008
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Interesting take on the meteor bit. Good thing we have Bruce Willis (Armageddon) and Morgan Freeman / Elijah Wood (Deep Impact) who are well prepared to deal with such little children meteors.
I'm with Oonah about that last line. If you leave us with the image of the rock hurtling towards Earth, we know the repurcussions, and the last line, calling humans to service, made me think of actors and flashy hollywood, not what I'd want to call attention to my readers.
If you change "less than a mile" to "a mile" people will realize the inherent danger, and you don't need the end to clarify. Also, I like how earth is described as a tiny dot, hinting at the vastness of space and the meagerness of us.
Jordan
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Bunbry at 22:55 on 17 September 2008
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Hi Bill, all suggestions welcome. Then I'm going to see what ideas spring to mind.
Cheers
Nick
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Bunbry at 22:57 on 17 September 2008
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Hi, Jordan - thanks for you take on the last line debarcle!! I'm still unsure if people realise the damage such a small rock could do. Perhaps I should give readers more credit...
Nick
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.jpg) Jubbly at 10:10 on 18 September 2008
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Hi Nick, enjoyed reading this, particularly in the light of the recent 'black hole' furore. I tend to agree with the others re the last line, but you could still keep all that info. How about bring it forward i.e Today, one, less than a mile across, is nudged by a neighbour and begins its two year journey to Earth where on impact it will finish us off as a species? Then end on - Man needs to see it, stop it, before it’s too late.
Or words to that effect, anyway feel free to ignore, just a suggestion.
Well done
J
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Bunbry at 13:15 on 18 September 2008
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Hi Julie, glad to see you have entered the fray.
I think I've resolved the problem now, but in the interests of fair play wont change anything until Sunday now.
But I am pleased to say Ink Sweat and Tears have accepted the accepted the twweaked version.
Nick
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Jumbo at 17:16 on 18 September 2008
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Nick
A great piece of writing - scary and to the point. I think the last section has been trawled over well enough, and it seems you have come to a conclusion so I won't muddy the waters and further, (btw, congrats on the acceptance by IS&T  )
...but in the interests of fair play ... that could be a first for this group!! Okay, okay ... only kidding! I'm sorry.
Cheers and thanks for the read.
john
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Bunbry at 18:13 on 19 September 2008
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Hi John, thanks for the comment, and cheers for the congrats - [you too Oonah!]. As for th e fairness thing, just call me 'Honest Nick' alias Honest Fred, Honest Joe...
Nick
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dbrooks76 at 15:22 on 26 September 2008
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Oh dear, Nick, Nick, Nick... lol
I hate to sound critical, but... (I'm sure you'll wreck revenge at some point and I'm probably leaving myself open to abuse from your fans)
"the blackness of space" - am surprised you used that - or is it along the lines of your "black as tar" Atlantic ocean metaphore that you explained to me the other week?!
"answerable to no one, obeying nought but the laws of gravity" - thats a contradiction isn't it? Or was it deliberate?
"one, less than a mile across" - I'd have toyed with the idea of carrying on the baby symbolism you used in the paragrpah above:
"Today, a mile-wide baby" I think the imagery jars with the "baby" name (just a thought).
Same with "neighbour", why not use "brother" or "sibling"?? Emphasises the long life in space togeher.
An interesting piece.
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Bunbry at 15:56 on 26 September 2008
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Thanks for the comments Dave. I think it's only the last line you didn't comment on [the one everyone else disliked]!
I assume you think Blackness of space is a cliche, and I suppose it is, so guilty as charged.
The anwerable to no one is true [no person] but DOES obey gravity so I'm standing by that one!
Using Baby again, or Brother or Sibling might have taken the personification of a lump of rock too far.
I liked the idea that without motive or thought it would destroy earth and didn't want to endow it with human qualities.
And if I could remember the new last line I'd tell it you but it's slipped my mind!
Nick
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