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White Heat
Posted: 22 August 2008 Word Count: 173 Summary: Here is my entry for this weeks challenge. It started out as an idea for a poem during a flight on Thursday. Then I read your conversations, above, about James Cagney. Today, sitting in the hotel bar, I tweaked it. It's still not good but it gets a point across, I hope. No time for more. It costs a fortune to log on here.
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Long haul business class. The little people file sullenly past, herded to the rear, fitted into battery seats designed to develop deep vein thrombosis, excluded by just a curtain from the complimentary champagne, the decadance. I play with the buttons on the control consol. One button raises the partition, the conversation barrier between privileged seats. Another transforms the seat with a soft whir of electric motors, to an orthopaedic bed. Four course dinner, served in luxurious isolated repose, like a Roman emperor, with cognac and chocolate. Fantasizing about the stewardess. Coffee, tea or me? Another button summons her, and the dinner debris disappears. Would I like a pillow? Another cognac perhaps? Let me show you how the movie channel selector works. She leans, so close, and an old sadness is resurrected by her perfume. So many movies. A classic maybe. Yes, James Cagney. Ruthless psychopath, alone in the White Heat and flame of the final explosive scene. ‘Look at me Ma. Top of the world.’
Yes. Top of the world. And all alone.
Comments by other Members
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V`yonne at 11:44 on 23 August 2008
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Richard, this is wonderful. I really loved
herded to batteries of deep vein thrombosis, |
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I have a couple of suggestions: but wait and see what the others think...
I'd split it after stewardess and again, after me.
I'd cut I think it spoils the flow and interrupts our visions of an emperor, which I'd prefer to keep in mind along with Cagney
and I don't think you need
And a huge choice of movie. |
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Just start that para with
A movie classic...
Then send it somewhere.
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rmol1950 at 15:47 on 23 August 2008
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Oonah
Thank you. I spent an hour sitting in a bar in Perth tweaking it this afternoon and have just this minute uploaded the tweaked version. It was then I spotted you comments. Glad you liked it and hope the tweaked version is an improvement. I will log on again tomorrow.
Best wishes
Richard
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V`yonne at 16:14 on 23 August 2008
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Do you know Richard, I thought the first version had more pith and grit in true Cagney style - but to get the others' opinions, why not put the posts together on here for comparison?
Oonah
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Nella at 16:49 on 23 August 2008
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Very nice, Richard. Of course, I missed the first version. But I like this - the sad and wistful feeling of being alone that not even being treated like an emperor can change.
Best,
Robin
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Prospero at 22:39 on 26 August 2008
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Hi Richard
Having travelled in all three, I can say unequivocally, First isn't that much better than Business, but Business beats out Cattle every time. Working for an airline unquestionably has it's up side. Great story here, with some very shrewd observations. Well done.
Best
Prosp
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