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The Dark of the Night

by Brum 

Posted: 12 August 2008
Word Count: 574


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The Dark of the Night

Chapter One – The End of the Beginning

Stepping out of the building, Jennifer looked in awe at her surroundings. The sunlight dazzled her eyes, momentarily obscuring her vision, but still, she felt infinitely happy at the beauty of the world. Blinking several times, the sun-filled sky swam back into sight. How I’ve missed that sight, Jennifer thought. Directly in front of her lay a long stretch of fresh, green grass. Judging by the smell, Jennifer guessed that the grass had been cut only that morning. She took one tentative step forward, found it slightly difficult to step down from the curb surrounding the building she was leaving behind, but nonetheless continued placing one foot in front of each other until she could feel the springy softness of the green grass beneath her feet. Wanting to experience the feeling to its fullest, Jennifer deftly removed her feet from her shoes, immediately revelling in the sensation of the delicate blades of grass between her toes.
Suddenly, Jennifer lost her balance and stumbled, her feet slipping out from beneath her. Her right elbow hit the ground first, sending a not entirely unpleasant wave of shock to both her shoulder and her little finger. Laughing a little, Jennifer found herself askew on the fresh grass, dew immediately soaking into her light summer dress.
‘This is wonderful,’ she sighed. She turned her head to the left, and saw a dull, lifeless parking lot, half filled with similarly dull, lifeless cars. A slight chill ran down Jennifer’s spine, causing her to turn her head to the right instead. This view offered much more rewarding sights – a small coffee shop, dilapidated slightly but charming all the same; a laundrette from which a mother and child were exiting; a quaint shop peculiarly called ‘The Shop on the Straight’. A frown took over Jennifer’s usually serene features as she puzzled over this for a few moments. A fuzzy memory then came to her – the laundrette next to the shop had formally been a corner shop called ‘The Shop on the Corner’. She guessed this was the small town humour that had kept the neighbourhood so tight knit for such a long time. It had been a long time since she had seen this street however, and she shrugged her shoulders. A lot can happen in a long time, let alone a short time, she contemplated.
Jennifer lifted herself to her feet, noting that her arms were weaker since she had been inside. It’s time, she thought, and composing herself, she raised her eyes to the building where she had spent the last year. The red stone and delicate features gave off the wrong impression, she knew. From the outside, the Dream Research Centre looked state of the art yet homely, intellectual yet comforting. However, Jennifer knew different. Now isn’t the time for reminiscing, she reminded herself. You need closure. You need to tell yourself that you won’t end up back here. Never again. She steeled herself, flicked a swift finger up to the front doors – shocking a receptionist who was doing nothing more harmful than exiting the building – turned quickly on her heel, gathered up her shoes and marched away.
What Jennifer didn’t know, however, was that she would be back to this very place, and sooner than the doctors expected. What Jennifer didn’t know, however, wouldn’t hurt her. At least not yet.






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 12:29 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Hi, just had a quick read through and thought I'd post my initial impressions.
Certainly an intriquing start. I like the concept of someone escaping from a Dream Research Centre. Good last paragraph, nicely hooks you into the story.
The main thing that struck me about the prose was the mention of what various bits of her body were doing. Fine occassionally, but if used too often it comes across as the character feeling self-concious about her body movements, which I don't think you intended.

For example:

but nonetheless continued placing one foot in front of each other until she could feel the springy softness of the green grass beneath her feet


- concentrates on feet, rather than the feel of the grass.

She turned her head to the left, and saw a dull, lifeless parking lot, half filled with similarly dull, lifeless cars. A slight chill ran down Jennifer’s spine, causing her to turn her head to the right instead


- focuses on her head turning to the left, and then the right, rather than on what she is seeing to the left and right of her.

A frown took over Jennifer’s usually serene features as she puzzled over this for a few moments.


I think you could just say 'a puzzled frown' or 'she frowned, puzzled by...'


There is a time and place for focusing on body parts, eg:

She steeled herself, flicked a swift finger up to the front doors – shocking a receptionist who was doing nothing more harmful than exiting the building – turned quickly on her heel, gathered up her shoes and marched away.



- This bit is good, it focuses on her 'giving the finger' to the building, so here there is a good reason for mentioning the finger.



- NaomiM

Brum at 12:36 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Thanks for the comments

I think the feeling I'm going for is that Jennifer is experiencing everything again - she hasn't been allowed to do much in the Centre, and so every movement is amplified for her.

Do you think still, bearing this in mind, that there is to much focus on her body?

Sarah

NMott at 14:02 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Do you think still, bearing this in mind, that there is to much focus on her body?


I have to be honest and say yes. You do get the feeling across that she is seeing and feeling things which she hasn't felt in a long time - the grass, the sun, etc, but, to take one example, do I (the reader) really need to know she's slipped and fallen on her "right elbow"? Why her right elbow? Is that important later in the story? Will it stop her writing? Why not her left elbow? - I know, silly questions, but the emphasis should be on her falling over and the feel of the grass, not which elbow she's landed on. Same with the frown. We all know that frowns go on the face, so there's no need to mention it crossing her features - although I see you've slipped in 'usually serene' features, but there's no follow through about why her features are 'usually serene'. I know, taken individually this is all just nit picking. The point I'm making is it's the over all effect - the cumulative mention of body parts - that I, personally, found un-necessary and I felt it cluttered up the prose.


- NaomiM

Brum at 14:06 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
That's fantastic

This is the kind of thing I need to know to make my work better and more readable! This is my first attempt at serious writing, anything I've done before has been for exams, etc, so this kind of imput is wonderful, and I don't mind honesty one little bit...Unless of course someone wants to tell me that I'm a rubbish writer and should stop - that I'd like to hear with a little sugar coating :P

Sarah

LMJT at 15:29 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Hi Sarah,

I like this piece and agree with the above comments, particularly about the elbow. As Naomi says, it's a rather irrelevant detail.

Here are a few other observations for you to consider.

Stepping out of the building, Jennifer looked in awe at her surroundings. The sunlight dazzled her eyes, momentarily obscuring her vision, but still, she felt infinitely happy at the beauty of the world. Blinking several times, the sun-filled sky swam back into sight. How I’ve missed that sight, Jennifer thought. Directly in front of her lay a long stretch of fresh, green grass. Judging by the smell, Jennifer guessed that the grass had been cut only that morning. She took one tentative step forward, found it slightly difficult to step down from the curb surrounding the building she was leaving behind, but nonetheless continued placing one foot in front of each other until she could feel the springy softness of the green grass beneath her feet. Wanting to experience the feeling to its fullest, Jennifer deftly removed her feet from her shoes, immediately revelling in the sensation of the delicate blades of grass between her toes.

You have used Jennifer's name here many times, when really you could have slipped into 'she...' Using a character's name after it's already established that we're in their POV tends to distance the reader from the action. Do you see what I mean?

found it slightly difficult

I'd be tempted to get rid of 'slightly'. It's either difficult or it isn't.

‘This is wonderful,’ she sighed. She turned

Paragraph break after 'sighed'.

dull, lifeless parking lot

Can a parking lot be lifeless? Empty, maybe, but I doubted lifeless.

a laundrette from which a mother and child were exiting

Exiting is a rather strange word in this context. Perhaps re-arrange to say 'A mother and child were leaving a laundrette'. Your call, obviously.

so tight knit

Tightly knit?

she shrugged her shoulders.

I think 'she shrugged' would be enough since, as far as I know, shoulders are the only part of the body you can shrug. It's a nit-pick, I know, but it helps the writing flow more fluidly.

A lot can happen in a long time, let alone a short time, she contemplated.

I think these need to be the other way round, 'A lot can happen in a short time, let alone a long time..' I think it's obvious a lot can happen in a long time. Do you see what I mean?

What Jennifer didn’t know, however, wouldn’t hurt her. At least not yet.

Great last line!

Anyway, if this is your first piece of writing in a long time, I think you should feel very proud of yourself. You're definitely on the right track and I look forward to reading more.

Liam


Brum at 15:49 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Thanks Liam,

They are all good points, but I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you on one of them!

Can a parking lot be lifeless? Empty, maybe, but I doubted lifeless.


What I'm aiming for here is that the building and the car park itself give a sense of being alive, in that they have a supernatural feel. Maybe I don't explain this well enough in prose. I'll think about a way that I can amend it to make it more obvious to the reader.

Thanks especially for the last comment, it's really given me a sense of confidence in my writing. If I can get comments like that when this is only my first attempt at a novel, I can't wait to see what people might say when I've become more accomplished.

Sarah

LMJT at 16:03 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Hi Sarah,

Glad my comments we of use.

Of course, feel free to take on board or discard. I see what you mean about the parking lot, and it's an intriguing concept.

And I'm sure your confidence will grow and grow during your time with WW. It's a great site for that.

Liam

<Added>

*'were' not 'we'

NMott at 16:06 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Yes, I would disagree with liam's comment about the parking lot, too. 'Lifeless' is a good description for somewhere that's dull and empty of any form of life that can't be seen with the naked eye (before anyone starts nit picking about ants ; ).


- NaomiM


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