Battle Cry
Posted: 05 August 2008
Word Count: 271
Summary: Flash challenge; palm lines.
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The smell of fried onions permeated a hot, summer's afternoon. A carousel spun on its axel of thick grease, its stench mingling with the odour of cheap perfume and Hot Dogs.
Inside the musty confines of her red and yellow striped tent, a palmist winced and withdrew from the hand lying palm up on a scuffed table, concealing tattooed fingers that declared HATE.
Clamping her lips shut, the palmist pushed money back towards her brassy client, 'I've paid up front, you old bitch.' The harshness in the girl's tone rasped aggression at the old lady's rebuttal.
'Yea, the future. Make it good.' A gang member popped her bleached head though curtains, peering into a shaft of dancing dust motes.
'Your lines suggest a bloody past life,' the palmist spoke, unafraid of her client and her jeering retinue outside. Sneering, the girl spat chewing gum down onto an ethnic rug of many colours. 'You will die as you did centuries ago,' the palmist continued with a sigh. 'You will be slaughtered by the blade of a younger avenger.'
The gang leader's sneer collapsed. Outside, sounds of the fairground diminished and only the palmist's wind charms sang and, as they sang of another time, another place, images came into the girl's mind like a horror DVD, roaring in stereo, clashes and screams amid a terrible clamour.
And then her own voice, a War Lord's voice bellowed out to his army of fierce warriors but that voice suddenly fell silent as the War Lord's head tumbled from his shoulders, down onto the trampled, bloodied ground beneath the hooves of his enemy's black, wild-eyed stallion.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 V`yonne at 14:42 on 05 August 2008
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Coo that was great  I love a bit of gore! I like the way the past intruded into the present and the palmist's refusal. I also like:
| 'Yea, the future. Make it good.' |
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threat and the fingers with HATE on them... The message that we make our own future. Very nice take on the challenge, Jennifer.
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:44 on 05 August 2008
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Thanks Oonah. Not feeling in a gentle mood, had to take my aggression out on something.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Elbowsnitch at 18:20 on 05 August 2008
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Hello Jennifer, a very strong flash, but I was a bit confused by the third para - at first I thought the palmist was talking. The story really takes off as soon as the girl is carried back into the past - I love
| images came into the girl's mind like horror DVD, roaring in stereo, clashes and screams amid a terrible clamour. |
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I wonder if the 'bleached head' gang member is the girl's likely killer?
A really great ending!
Frances
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Posted by :
Forbes at 01:20 on 06 August 2008
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Oooh-er missus! Blood thirsty indeed, Nice change of time & place, the way MC is dragged back.
Nice one.
Cheers
Avis
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Posted by :
crowspark at 08:53 on 06 August 2008
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That'll teach her to stay off the body-piercing!
| War Lord's head tumbled from his shoulders |
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Lovely, bloody flash with lots of atmosphere. One for BWS?
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 11:05 on 06 August 2008
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Frances is right about that confusion though. I read it twice to see who was speaking...
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:06 on 06 August 2008
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Thanks Frances and Oonah, can see what you both mean. Will change that.
Thanks too, Bill, I might give them a try.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
tiger_bright at 17:21 on 07 August 2008
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HI Jennifer, great flash this and you lead us into the gothic finale with aplomb. I for one didn't see that coming! I like the power you gave the palmist and her stoic acceptance of the gory fate awaiting the thuggish girl.
Tiger
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Posted by :
tusker at 17:50 on 07 August 2008
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Thanks Tiger.
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Posted by :
Prospero at 19:29 on 07 August 2008
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Ah this poor soul is evidently destined to many revolutions on the Kharmic Wheel. Revenge begets revenge and traps souls in an endless bloody round. A well crafted tale, Jennifer, that has a great deal of truth in it. Well done.
Best
John
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Posted by :
Jumbo at 22:44 on 07 August 2008
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Jennifer
I like this, and I like the way you shift the scene from the inside of the tent to the horror of the battlefield - and that terrifying stallion.
Nice bit of gore as well!
Great images and powerful writing.
Thanks for the read. Very enjoyable.
john
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Posted by :
tusker at 07:14 on 08 August 2008
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Thanks 2 Johns. Glad it was gory enough for you both.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Bunbry at 08:52 on 08 August 2008
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I loved the fairground atmosphere, could nearly taste those onions!
But I jarred a bit at the mention of DVD - might have said 'movie' or 'film' instead, as it unfortunately broke the spell of the intruding past for me.
Nick
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Posted by :
tusker at 11:09 on 08 August 2008
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I'll think about it, Nick. DVD, to me, is what the young watch most of the time, these days. Especially my lot. Thanks for the kind comments.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
titania177 at 15:20 on 08 August 2008
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Hi jennifer,
I really like the contrast between the mundane fairground and the Warlord, horses' hooves and all. Very strong images, great ending!
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Posted by :
tusker at 19:41 on 08 August 2008
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Thanks Tania.
Jennifer
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