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Diamond Raiders - Chapter 1, 4th Revise

by BobCurby 

Posted: 28 July 2008
Word Count: 1882
Summary: The story starts in Namibia in 1986 and quickly moves 20 years to 2006, the scene is set for the heist of all heists - a raid on the diamond barons of Namibia.
Related Works: Let Sleeping Lions Lie {SUMMARY/ SYNOPSIS} • 

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DIAMOND RAIDERS
by Bob Curby
Chapter 1


Namibia, September 26th, 1986, dawn, 2 miles north of the town of Swakopmund, in the ‘Forbidden Zone’, the diamond fields and the domain of the protective diamond mining companies. The desert spreads out like a huge stony Martian landscape from the sea, out as far as the eye can see. Unfriendly in more ways than one.

A silver thread of almost perfectly straight tarmac, the one and only road through the region, the C34, was just visible in the tawny brown of the stony desert landscape. Along that ribbon, Rick Van Rensberg, was unfolding his sunglasses in preparation for the glaring sun about to pop up over the horizon to his right. His gunmetal grey Mercedes SL600 was whispering along the road at an easy 60 miles per hour. Alongside him was Marie his Russian wife, still dozing from the night drive up from the South African border, and in the back, sound asleep was a small girl, just 5 years old. It had been a long journey and the first time they had ventured out of Cape Town. How green and lush that seemed in comparison to this unfriendly landscape. The family were travelling all the way up to visit Rick’s brother in the north of Namibia, up near the Okavango, and he had wanted to get a good way up before the sun got too hot. Just beyond his vision, over the dunes ahead, was one of the largest storage facilities of uncut diamonds in the world, Swakopmund Mining Corporation known locally as SMC, constantly monitoring the area for would-be thieves and manifesting its presence by lookout towers and hovering security helicopters.

SMC chose this spot because the Namib Desert provided no cover for anyone approaching from the land and approach by sea was almost impossible without early detection, not to mention the extreme shallowness of the water for quite a long way out. Diamonds lay on the desert sand, sparkling in the sunlight and on the seabed in gravel layers under the oyster shells. SMC had staked a claim alongside the De Beers operation with its even bigger facility and veritable army to protect it. Though much smaller SMC held its own when it came to security and although not having an army, trained guards fully equipped to protect their underground storage facility were a force to be reckoned with. SMC was very efficient in preventing the theft of even one diamond from their area. Rick’s Mercedes passed one of many signs that carry the message “WARNING! DO NOT STOP ON THIS ROAD. IN THE EVENT OF BREAKDOWN, DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR VEHICLE. ASSISTANCE WILL BE PROVIDED.” Rick had been advised by the South African Automobile Association that this area was restricted, a ‘forbidden zone’ and that he was not to stop and certainly not to get out. If he was to break down, he was to remain in the car with side lights on and SMC or one of the other mining companies would send out a rescue party. He had snorted at that warning, he didn’t really believe that they had the authority nor would they do anything if he stopped.

He failed to notice the blackened patches alongside the road with odd pieces of metal protruding. He was not aware of the methods SMC in particular used to ‘recover’ diamonds they believed had been picked up from the sand. He did not know that if he got out of his car, they would burn it and sift the ashes. If they found one diamond he would go to prison, if they failed to find anything, they’d buy him a new car. That’s how it worked. He just drove on, humming to himself in the glow of the morning sun.

There was a muffled thud from the right front of the car.
They had either hit something, or a tyre had just burst. Struggling to keep it in a straight line Rick drew the Merc to a standstill. He sighed, with the air-con running and his sunglasses on, the desert was almost bearable, but now, they were going to open the doors and let a heat blast in. He opened his door and stood up, in the road where he was fully visible to the towers. He slowly made his way round to the side where Marie, his wife, was sitting patiently. He looked down at the wheel.
"Bugger!"
The tyre was not only flat but was shredded. They had hit something a few yards back and it had slashed through the tyre.
"I'll have to change the wheel, check on Analise while I do this, she might need a drink or something, and maybe her cough medicine, it's about due."
"Oh, that's annoying, have we got a spare?"
"Yes, I'm sure, but I've never had to change a wheel before, my guys always do it for me."
"Do you want any help?"
"Have you changed tyres then?"
"Back in my home, yes, Dad always said women are as good as men - and he made sure we had the same training as the boys."
"Well, I'll give you a shout if I get stuck, how's Analise?"
"She's ok, still asleep."
"OK, well, I'll just get the jack and spare wheel out."
“Hurry up! The chopper's on the way and I can see a jeep coming!”
"So, we haven't done anything - I have to change this wheel, maybe they'll help."
"Why does that sign there say we mustn't stop?"
"It's because of these." Rick scooped up a handful of sand with it's precious store of small uncut diamonds, "at least, that's what the AA man said when I told him we're driving through here."
"What's that, I can see sand with bits of quartz or something."
"Diamonds my love, hundreds of them, everywhere."
"Well, they won't be happy then to see us here and you scooping up handfuls of the sand, will they?"
"These are just industrial quality, good for sandpaper." Rick knew nothing of diamonds and couldn't recognise the high quality Northern Cape Blues in their uncut state."No-one's going to tell me off, you'll see."
The jeep arrived and the men jumped out as the helicopter 'gun-bus' hovered overhead.
"Damn, the spare is flat. I'll have to walk back to Swakopmund and get help. You start the engine and keep the air-con going until I get back."
“STOP! You will GO nowhere!”
The gruff voice jangled at them and shook them into silence. They realised that they were almost surrounded by armed men, all pointing their guns at them.

"I'm sorry, please, look, my tyre burst, my spare is flat, I have to go back to Swakopmund to get help - maybe you can drive me hey?"

“That is out of the question, you are under arrest, you will come with us, NOW!”
The security force looked like they were part of a crack commando unit, not just ordinary working civilians in fancy clothes.
“You have no authority to do that! We are South African citizens, and I am also still a citizen of the Netherlands, and my wife here is a citizen of Russia. We are sorry, we had to stop, we don't intend to get involved in anything, honest, please help us, I mean, it isn't as if you own this road is it?”
“Silence! You see that sign, that’s our authority, and yes, we DO own this road!”
“But we had to stop, we hit something - back there, the tyre blew, look, it's flat....”
“Half the people we have to arrest have stories to tell! Now, this way please, we need you away from this vehicle.”
“Not only that, my little girl’s ill, I’ll have to get her medicine, it’s here somewhere, I’m sure ….”
Ricky went to the rear of the car. Instantly he was struck down by one of the guards and lay motionless on the tarmac at their feet.

“Rick!” Marie shrieked,“Please, you cannot be so callous, look at her, we don’t want to steal diamonds, why would we, we just trying to fix the wheel. My little girl's woken up and she needs to take her medicine. I really cannot believe that you can do this, have you a family? What if this was your child?”
“Maybe you have thought about all this before you stopped!”
“Look you -----“
“No, you look, you’re in big trouble and if you’re really worried about that child you’ll get into the jeep, now! We have a doctor back at base, he’ll take care of her – and he’s closer than Swakopmund, and, don't worry about the wheel, we'll fix that in a minute. Now move!”
Two men picked up Ricky and dragged him to the large jeep and tossed him in the back like a rag doll.

Marie was so angry she couldn’t speak, Rick’s head was oozing blood from a very large lump, Analise was wheezing in her arms, and she was feeling a little faint from the stress.
“Pig!” was all she could manage to get out between clenched teeth as she gasped in the seering heat.

“Torch it!” The man in charge called back to the men standing by the Merc.
“WHAT! – You’re going to burn our car? You can’t do that, it’ll cost you thousands!”
“Listen, we have the authority to recover our diamonds by whatever methods necessary.”
“There aren’t any diamonds in the car!”
“Well, we’ll know when it cools down, won’t we.”
“You can’t burn our car!”
“Look – it’s burning well already.”
“Ohhh!” Marie’s head dropped into her hands and she sobbed like it was the end of the world. One of the men, who had neither touched them nor spoken, put his arm around her shoulders.
She recoiled as if he had just plugged her into the electrical socket, “don’t you touch me!”
“I’m sorry, it’s our job, you see we…”
“JAN! That is enough; we do not make excuses for the job we have to do.”
Rick moaned and tried to sit up, “Marie, Analise…..” he called out from the back of the jeep.
“We’re here darling, are you ok?”
“Well I’m still alive, but everything hurts, and I’ve got blood in my eye.”
“We’ll talk to our solicitors as soon as we can get a phone.”
“We’ll get someone to take us down to Swakopmund and deal with it straight away.”
“They’ve burnt the car!”
“THEY WHAT!”
“Burned the car.”
“You burned our car? What kind of people are you?!”
“The kind of people that make sure that stealing diamonds isn’t worth it.”
“Rick, I’m worried about Analise, she’s not looking well.”
“Please, do whatever you want to satisfy your bosses - but get us out of this heat and get my child to the doctor, quickly, please.”
"Rick, they are driving us back as fast they can, maybe we should try to co-operate."
"Maybe I should have got my gun out of the car and shot a few in the first place!"

One of the men thrust an automatic rifle close to Ricky’s throat, the commander calmly said, “Maybe it would be better if you all die……….”



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FA©T 2008






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Comments by other Members



Cornelia at 09:13 on 30 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Bob!

Glad you've decided to go for an entirely fictional account here. For me five thousand words is too long for close analysis (is it a bit long for a chapter) so my remarks are general.

I found the first part, about the stopping in the diamond area, very gripping and as soon as the driver decided to stop despite the warning the anticipation of something dreadful was ratcheted up. This all read very smoothly and evenly.

For me, I would prefer the characters to be introduced before the description of the dawn, with the story starting in the second paragraph. I enjoyed the dawn description and I think if you introduced just a little more menace into the description it would prepare us for what follows.

The notice - I think it was a bit long for someone passing in a car to read, although again it prepares the reader to expect the worst. Maybe something like 'DO NOT STOP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES' would be better.

I was a bit unsure about how to regard this couple. As someone who has travelled quite a bit (not Africa) I would say rule number one for tourists is obey all rules to the letter. The couple seem to be singularly unprepared - they could have taken a potty for the child, for instance - and I was surprised to learn they were SA citizens but didn't know not to stop in this very dangerous area. You'd have thought the word would have got around.

It occurs to me that maybe you need a stronger reason for them to stop, such as a problem with the car. Then they would appear less foolhardy.

Even making allowances for their not knowing local conditions, their reactions seem over the top and come across as arrogant, especially when the woman says she doesn't need to steal diamonds because she has plenty of her own. I think the reader would feel a a lot more sympathetic if they were able to swallow their anger and start pleading with the bullies. This would also serve to make the treatment seem so much more unreasonable.

I was a bit fazed at first by the sudden change of time, but I think it's a good idea. You have established a motive for Annalise to return, and she seems to have prepared to take her revenge.

I like the waking-up sequence as a good way to introduce us to the characters one by one with some dialogue to establish the relationships.

It seems unnecessary for Annalise to say her name is pronounced Anna + Lisa as that would be obvious to the listener. It doesn't seem very important anyway, but maybe a better way would be to have him say 'Oh, just like my two favourite girls' names, Anna and Lisa.'

Looking forward to more. I like novels with foreign settings when the author is obviously very familar with the terrain.

Sheila


Becca at 12:21 on 31 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Steve,
I agree with the good points made by Gaius and Sheila. I liked the description of the sun rising, and was fascinated with the section about what a diamond is, and that they're cold - but Gaius' view on how you lay that section out seemed a good one. It would remove the lecturing quality from it. In the same vein, I wondered about para. 15 on the how the diamond mine works, is this really crucial or not in terms of the storyline, because it does come across as a lecture.
I'd be aware of using too many adjectives, 'The gruff harse voice...' Adjectives and adverbs work when there are very few of them.
I'd start para 3 with 'The Swakopmund Mining Corporation, which everyone called 'SMC'...' so you can refer to it by its initials from there on.
If Dad is Ricky Van Rensberg, I'd name him in the first para, and Sheila's thought about the sunrise para, I think is a good idea.

I do think this version is a distinct improvement on the first.
Becca.

mafunyane at 14:03 on 01 August 2008  Report this post
Bob,

I haven't read your earlier version but I enjoyed this chapter. Like some of the other readers I'm biased towards African settings (take a look at my own efforts on the site if you are interested)!

For me five thousand words is too long for close analysis (is it a bit long for a chapter)

I'm not sure whether it is too long but if you wanted to cut it, you could try ending Chapter 1 with
“Maybe it would be better if you all died……….”
which is pretty powerful. And then start chapter 2 with the scene twenty years later.

I agree with Cornelia that I wasn't convinced about the couple stopping in the forbidden zone - fine if they were English or American tourists but not so as 'locals'. A breakdown or illness sounds the most convincing. Perhaps Annalise has an asthma attack and they need to stop the car to get her medicine out of the trunk? They don't want to (because they know and understand the danger, but they don't have any choice because they are worried about her life). And then the baddies stamp on her inhaler so she can't breathe?

I found the section about how you know a diamond is a diamond interesting but can see that it sounded a bit lecturey. Perhaps you could omit this from this chapter and then show the characters doing this when (if?) they get to picking up some stones later. Then we'd find it more engaging as it would be an active pursuit rather than a flat discussion.

Finally, I loved this phrase:
Kurt kicked a small scorpion onto the fire and watched it writhe, wither and die with a pop
as a nice bit of local colour!

Good luck with this,

Anna


Account Closed at 12:33 on 02 August 2008  Report this post
I agree with comments already made - and would emphasise that you need to cut out the explanatory notes in order to focus on Annalise and the story. In more detail, I'd cut the dawn description and simply start with the stressed family travelling. You can drip in info on the dawn and the beauty of the terrain while the horror is happening - it will give it more tension, I think.

I'd also make that family part a prologue and start the first chapter with Annalise. Again, I don't think I need to know about her relationships and personality straight off - show us this, don't tell us. Start maybe with her giving instructions on the plan to the people with her, and (as above) you can dripfeed info in as appropriate. I don't need to know about the revenge thing till much later - let the reader find out more. I do think she needs to be more kick-ass in her dialogue too. She's a great character.

A
xx

BobCurby at 21:56 on 03 August 2008  Report this post
THANK YOU EVERYONE!

This story has improved so much since draft 1 of ch 1, I think this is going well. I take on board everything, as you know, and try to see it as you see it.

Just a point, people living in Cape Town are 2,500 miles from Namibia, they aren't locals, anymore than we are of Moscow.{e.g. would you expect someone from Honduras to understand the implications of a warning sign they came upon just outside LA?} Ricky Van Rensberg only has the warning that stopping in the forbidden zone is a 'no no' from the SA Automobile Association - neither of them believe or understand the implications - maybe I need to build that in somehow. However, I fully take on board the comments, the fact that you raise the question is enough to say I haven't done the job right as the writer - and I thank you.

The dawn sequence - well, that started Ch 1 in the first version, which then moved on to them all waking up, so, if I follow the advice of both Holly and Anna and cut the ch down, moving the 'wake-up' sequence to ch 2 - maybe I could use the dawn sequence then?

So - don't go away - watch this space - slight re-write number two is under way........

Steve
(for those who don't know my name is Steve, my middle two names are Robert and Curby - hence Bob Curby.....)

BobCurby at 17:38 on 08 August 2008  Report this post
OK - it's only 2027 words, and I think I've taken on board everyone's comments - so shoot!

Steve

BobCurby at 17:22 on 10 August 2008  Report this post
ANY FURTHER COMMENTS?

Becca at 06:51 on 13 August 2008  Report this post
Hi Steve,
This version is much tighter, much more like a thriller, especially because you end it earlier.
So, down to details:-
You could introduce Analise in para 2 'Alongside him was Marie,[comma] his Russian wife, and in the back, his five year old daughter, Analise.' Then when the child wakes up 'There was a muffled sound from the back seat. Rick glanced in the mirror and saw Analise stirring.
I think ''she began to panic'' is enough, rather than 'She began to go into that panic zone that hits asthma sufferers when they can't breathe' which is more like exposition.

The conversation between Rick and Marie when Analise begins to struggle didn't sound natural, again it had an expositionary feel about it - 'They'll understand when they see we have a small child and she is in distress.' Surely Marie is more likely, under those circumstances, to say something like, ''Oh, never mind about that, just stop the car now, Rick.' And, rather than 'I don't think they'll be that harsh...', something like ''I said stop, Rick, for Christ's Sake!'
Also, Rick's response feels unnatural. I don't think he needs to conjecture about the responses of the SMC here, and surely he wouldn't sigh? He'd be in as much of a panic as his wife and say something like, ''OK, Ok, I'm stopping.'

In the scene with the guards, the child is in mortal danger, and yet the parents are having a conversation about ownership. I can see that this is to show the SMC brutality, but I think you've created a needlessly tricky situation for yourself here as the story isn't really about Analise's asthma. All you need is for the family to stop the car because of their emergency and then the guards are upon them. So, I can't see why you need Marie to slip and fall on Analise etc. Why not have them stop the car to find the inhaler, and as they comfort the child, the guards arrive. That's all you're wanting to do here isn't it, get the car stopped and the guards arriving? Don't forget though, that the scene takes place in the dessert, so how did the guards arrive so quickly without the family knowing about it? If the asthma isn't intrinsic to the story, you could find any number of reasons why the car might stop on the road at that point.
Becca.

BobCurby at 00:03 on 14 August 2008  Report this post
BECCA
Hmmm yes - many good points and much to chew on - it's a long way from the short breezy start it originally had - because I wanted to get into the story of the diamond raid - but of course scene setting is very important.

You are right all I want to do here is one of those movie beginnings where an incident happens, and then we cut to 20 years later. No the asthma has no part in the story and I only mention it in chapter 2, because it's in chapter 1.

The essence of this story is: Analise is tired of the rat race, tired of being passed by for promotion and she knows that she could have a comfortable life in the myriads of islands in the Maldives with a few kilos of diamonds, and she knows where to get them. Having recruited 4 key people to make up her team, she takes them on a reconnaissance of the area, works out the plan and prepares to execute it. There are set-backs, there are scary moments, there are moments when it looks like it isn't going ahead. The escape is scary and nail biting - but they do get away albeit pursued by Interpol. The story has a climactic ending.

BUT no asthma.....

So maybe I'll rethink that, burst tyre perhaps, or they hit a goat?

Steve

BobCurby at 01:53 on 30 August 2008  Report this post
Wonderful critiques - how does the 4th revise come across - eager to move onto chapter 2 - but value your pearls of wisdom.

Steve

BobCurby at 21:24 on 08 September 2008  Report this post
Has anyone got any further comments on chapter 1?
I will upload chapter 2 for your critique pens in a couple of days...

Thanks so much as always,

Steve

mafunyane at 23:25 on 08 September 2008  Report this post
Bob - I look forward to seeing chapter 2. I've just reread your 4th revise (wow - you've been working hard!). I think its a lot better. Occasionally, you could still tighten things up a bit more, and sometimes you don't need all the detailed dialogue. For instance, I wasn't convinced someone would go on about their citizenship to the security guards - rather than just saying the guards shouldn't be doing what they're doing in the first place.

But overall, it's much more focused and ends on a good note.

I particularly like Rick picking up the diamond-strewn sand by the way...

Anna


Joanna C at 09:50 on 09 September 2008  Report this post
I'm also looking forward to chapter two - very powerful last line. I think what Gaius was saying about covering up the characters' names and still being able to follow the dialogue was really interesting - the dialogue section in your story was very rapid (and therefore added to the tension), yet I could clearly hear everyone speaking in my head whilst I was reading. Although the moment has passed now, I definitely favour burst tyre over asthma (and I'm very glad you spared the goat!)

Best wishes
Jo

Hannah Mariah at 19:37 on 04 December 2008  Report this post
Hello, I'm new to the site and just a beginner writer. I've just read this 1st chapter so haven't seen any of the previous drafts. I can't bring much expertise but as a confirmed chick-lit fan who doesn't usually read this sort of thing, I found it gripping and will definately be following the story.

BobCurby at 00:09 on 05 December 2008  Report this post
Thank You Hannah - well there are a few more chapters already uploaded - I'm sure you'd like to read and comment on Ch2....

Steve

BobCurby at 22:20 on 05 July 2010  Report this post
I am saddened now as I look back at all these comments and readers eager to read more - and yet now, the gravestones in the local churchyard are more active than our members.


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