Take my word for it. That article in last month’s Zoo was way off the mark: if you want to appreciate a woman – really appreciate her – don’t waste your time on bust measurements, the length of her legs, the colour of her hair. Or whether her face can be modelled using polygonal meshes and Gaussian curvature. Not Zoo that last bit. But then, you might have guessed. Actually it was cribbed from an article in New Scientist on some work being carried out at UMIST to do with face-recognition as a tool against identity theft. But I digress.

So - you are looking for your perfect woman. But where should you start your search? I believe there is, can only be, one place – the intellectual hub: the brain.

What you need to be searching for is a female with an appreciation of the Classics; a woman with a voice that can render the Sonnets as jewels of honey, dripping from webs barely touched by the rays of the morning sun.

Should she be a professional person? Maybe. An educated person? Certainly.

Tenderness is essential. Maturity a must. And trust? How can any relationship hope to fly if it is held down or grounded by a lack of trust?

I am convinced that in order to appreciate a woman the start and end point must be her brain.

Lightly flambéed in balsamic vinegar and presented on a bed of saffron rice, served with a glass of ice-cold Guinness.