Ghosts - Reworked Prologue
Posted: 23 July 2008
Word Count: 309
Summary: This is a shortened and revised Prologue for my first complete novel - Ghosts
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Out there, somewhere in the darkness, the child is running towards you. You hear her running, but you cannot place her. Your sense of direction is confused. You sense her fear. It pervades the atmosphere. Fear is the child’s constant companion. It dominates her memories. It takes her breath away.
She believes you will save her, but she is wrong. You will fail her. She will never reach you, no matter how hard she runs. You cannot save her. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
She will die.
Because you are too late.
Because…
A high-pitched scream. It pierces the heavy air. There is the muted sound of a fist. Punching a fragile body. It ricochets in your head, growing in volume. Acid floods into your mouth.
There is a pathetic cry. Far in the distance now. A strangled whimper.
And then she screams again, the little girl who was running for you, desperate for you to save her. There is pitiful screeching as he tears off her clothes.
The stepfather. Reeking of bitter sweat. Smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Unshaven. His dark eyes boring into you. There is a deep well of madness behind those eyes.
The little girl has honey blond hair. She has eyes that stare at you with longing. So much pain. So much confusion. Sweet innocence mixed with childish hope. All of it sliced by the razor edge of terror.
Her mother is in the kitchen. In a different world. She irons whilst rock music plays loudly around her. Her mind is switched off to reality as she chain smokes filter tipped cigarettes and stares listlessly at a spot somewhere in the overgrown, litter-strewn garden.
The iron runs backwards and forwards over a small white blouse.
It will never be worn again.
The night is cold as you wake shivering and trembling in the pitch dark.
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Comments by other Members
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 Cornelia at 18:37 on 23 July 2008
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I can't remember if I saw the first version, but this promises a very powerful story. The problem is it doesn't read so much like a prologue as a whole short story - a seres of events rather than an episode.
I would begin at:
| Out there, somewhere in the darkness, the child is running towards you. |
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and eliminate the paragraph that begins :
| She finishes one cigarette, drops it and stubs it on the kitchen floor |
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If you do that you establish the main characters and give your reader enough to be intrigued.
I thik you need to tone down the cigarette burns paragraph, too, as it's the sort of detail you want to keep in reserve to sicken your readers with later. The fact that it's a child is enough to take in at the start. It would be better to indicate violence and sexual assault in a more subtle way so the readers are a little bit curious about exactly what did happen. You have done the terror and confusion as well as the different reactions of the characters very well, so it's enough to keep them reading.
Hope this helps.
Sheila
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 SteveB at 18:47 on 23 July 2008
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Sheila - thank you very much for those comments - they are very interesting and I will ponder carefully on them. I have taken so much out already that to take out more is something that is difficult to contemplate - not that it may not be necessary - just difficult to contemplate...
The original was a fair bit longer - looking back on it you were kind enough to comment on that version as well - on 19th July last year. How time flies whilst we are busy dreaming up scenes to sicken our readers... I guess that's the fun part (or does that make me sound very weird...)
Again, many thanks
Steve
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sheilab at 18:04 on 24 July 2008
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Hello Steve
Wow, what a great prologue. I loved it. I disagree with the other Sheila re. taking bits out. For me, there's more than enough mystery to keep me reading on and wanting to know what happens next.
One bit confused me - the mother ironing the blouse. Is she ironing the blouse thinking her daughter is still alive and unaware what's happening? Also, the image of cigarettes being stubbed out on dirty kitchen floor doesn't fit (for me) with the ironing. Someone who stubs fags out on the floor doesn't strike me as the sort of person who'd iron clothes. Although I do like
The iron runs backwards and forwards over a small white blouse.
It will never be worn again. |
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The images of the girl being brutalised ARE quite shocking but I think you get away with it. I would definitely read on if I picked this up in a bookshop.
Sheila
<Added>
Sorry, Sheila, I think you meant take those sections out because they're too shocking this early on, not because you think it would tighten/improve the plot to do so?
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SteveB at 18:20 on 24 July 2008
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Thanks for those comments Sheila... they are most kind and very useful.
The mother is ironing the shirt knowing that something is going on... she doesn't know what... she doesn't know her daughter has been killed this time...
Your comment re cigarettes being stubbed out and the mother ironing is excellent... I have deleted the paragraph
| She finishes one cigarette, drops it and stubs it on the kitchen floor. Burn marks scar the grimy surface. She lights another cigarette. Her eyes never lose their dull, mindless glaze. |
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The scene loses nothing with it gone and it sorts out a somewhat glaring (now you mention it) mistake in characterisation.
The brutalisation underpins a lot of the main character's character traits (if you see what I mean) - I think it needs to be upfront at the start of the novel... although shocking, it is hopefully not too graphic - our imaginations can fill in the gaps far more vividly than I could ever write it...
Your comments are very helpful - many thanks
Steve
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KathM at 22:48 on 24 July 2008
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Hi Steve, yes, it's great. I sooo enjoyed reading this. Reads very well and has lost none of its power. There is always a danger when tweaking that we'll lose the energy of the original, but you haven't at all.
I thought Cornelia's comments were spot on. Losing the cigarette para will strengthen it, and I love her suggestion about opening with the para beginning with [quote]Out there, somewhere in the darkness...[/quote].
It's a great opener. That doesn't mean that I think you should lose everything that comes before that (though the first line or two might have to go) Just re-order it slightly.
And to complete my bid for full membership of the cornelia fan club I also agree about the violence - not because it's too shocking but just because it would be better not to satisfy the reader's morbid curiosity too soon. Puts me in mind of the old mantra (I think it might be Sol Stein):
never take the reader where the reader wants to go.
Make 'em wait. That bit could read:
[quote]And then she screams again, the little girl who was running for you, desperate for you to save her.
Pitiful screeching as he tears her clothes off.
Shouting. Pleading.
[/quote]
(though I prefer tears off her clothes)
Without knowing the whole story I'm not sure whether it reads as a prologue or not, i.e. what purpose it serves(see Roger's comment on my Prologue page - he gives a good definition of the purpose of a prologue. I'd repeat it here, but my memory is crap.)
Agree with Sheila too about the ironing/fag thing. It jars as a combination. I don't smoke, but I'm the type to, and I never iron except for weddings and xmas. The type to stub out on the lino wouldn't bother in a million years. The image of the blouse that will never be worn is much too good to lose. Better lose the fag part.
The two sheila's have covered so much ground that I haven't got v.much more to add. But I will anyway!
Small picks:
[/quote]
[quote]You hear her running. But you cannot place her.[/quote]
This is really one sentence separated by a comma isn't it? Would flow better.
[quote]You sense the underlying fear. It pervades the atmosphere. It is the child’s constant companion. It dominates all her memories. It takes her breath away.
Like a punch hard and low in the guts.
[/quote]
I would lose one of the 'its' here as there are too many and the reader might forget what 'it' is. One more repetition should do the trick, so: Fear is the child's constant companion. It dominates...
Also, maybe a comma instead of a full-stop after breath away: takes her breath away, like a punch... Just a thought.
[quote]It’s the way of things.[/quote]
Prefer it is, rather than it's. Scans better.
All of which has brought me to the conclusion that the main thing I would edit this piece for is the language. Not that it isn't gorgeous, it is, but because you have such a poetic style, I think you have applied poetic techniques to the layout, and it would flow better as prose if you didn't. The rhythm and the pattern would remain, just the puntuation to change. I'll give an example of what I mean:
[quote]Out there, somewhere in the darkness, the child is running towards you. She believes you will save her.
But she is wrong. You will fail her. She will never reach you. No matter how hard she runs. You cannot save her. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
She will die.
Because you are too late.
Because…
[/quote]
changes to:
[quote]Out there, somewhere in the darkness, the child is running towards you. She believes you will save her, but she is wrong. You will fail her. She will never reach you, no matter how hard she runs. You cannot save her. Not then, not now, not ever.
She will die because you are too late.
Because…
[/quote]
This is v.subjective on my part but I think prose should flow and be laid out as prose, and poetic rhythm and cadence should serve it as prose, not turn it into poetry. All you poets out there, no hate mail please. I like poetry, honest. 
You may totally disagree anyway, but I think your poetic style is what makes your writing so exceptional, but it can still be prose-like in effect.
I hope you choose this book to focus on as I'm really intrigued to see where it goes and suspect I will enjoy reading it just for the language alone.
I read a book a short while ago that I felt the same about the language in: a quote from its prologue(and my memory really is crap so the fact that I CAN quote this says it all)
He resolved to stay awake, but the water lady brushed his eyelids with her knuckles and he dropped into sleep like a rock.
It wasn't a great story (it was alright) but was so beautifully written it was worth reading anyway. Oh the power of good language.
Kath
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SteveB at 07:57 on 25 July 2008
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Kath,
Thank you so much for such a detailed look at the prologue - some fantastically kind comments and such a lot of very useful and very pertinent suggestions... I will come back with more thoughts a little later - I need to print it off - and give it proper thought...
The comments on prose vs poetic style are spot on - making me think big time - not good this early in the morning - my brain might explode... my fellow train commuters might object to the resulting mess - I will probe deeper when I am suitably caffeined up...
The frightening thing, as an aside, is that I have got so many really useful comments on the first 600'ish words - I am thinking, learning and reflecting on so much - and yet in the back of my mind I know that the whole novel sitting within my laptop (a few clicks of a mouse away) comes out at 112,000 words - the task ahead to re-edit the whole novel is somewhat terrifying...
...although saying that, the prologue is probably written in a slightly different style than the rest of the novel
...which brings its own pressure...
...what if the rest of it is rubbish???
I feel like I need to lie down...
I'll come back later - thank you so much again
Steve
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sheilab at 08:06 on 25 July 2008
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Hi Steve
Reading this thread with great interest. All you can do is take on board the criticisms that sit comfortably with you. Not everyone will agree with you no matter what you do!
I've just finished the 3rd edit (total rewrite) of my novel. I started out on this rewrite optimistically believing it would be the last. It isn't......
Good luck with yours
Sheila
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SteveB at 17:52 on 25 July 2008
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Right then...
I have re-read through all the comments from everyone who has so kindly reviewed this. I am somewhat humbled by (a) the thought that has obviously gone into the comments, and (b) the incredibly useful and incisive suggestions made.
So - I have gone for the Prologue again - and have edited what was there - probably should have reloaded a new version but I pressed he buttons far too quickly...
It is shorter (about half the size). I have tried to inject a more 'prose' voice, rather than use a 'poetic' voice (I have taken some of the suggested changes straight as they were given - they were very, very good) The prologue is now less brutal (I think) - I hope it is better.
So...
...I am now lost for words.
Apart from to thank everyone for their comments so far - any comments on this latest incarnation will be gratefully received - if I have screwed it up then that is my fault...
Coffee needed
Steve
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MackenzieC at 08:32 on 26 July 2008
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Hi Steve,
This is the sort of prologue that I like, nice and tense with lots of implied terror (I suspect I`m reading an edited version judging by the above comments).
One thing that occurred to me is that although I did twig that the mother knew that something was going on, it was perhaps a guess given the genre. What would reinforce it for me, is if the mother stopped ironing and turned the music up louder before returning to listlessly ironing the girl`s shirt. That might be too horrific for some but you will probably think of something better (not a criticism, it`s a skill required by a crime writer!).
Depends on how uncomfortable you want to make it. Personally, I struggle to read anything involving kids, so the less detail about the physical violence the better.
Mackenzie
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Cornelia at 22:01 on 06 August 2008
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Yes, I think this is fine, now. The characterisation is clear, we know there's to be a tragic conclusion but we are wondering how it will all be orchestrated. Your readers will be compelled to read on but afraid to know exactly what happened.
Sheila
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SteveB at 07:23 on 07 August 2008
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Sheila - many thanks for your continuing help and comments.
It is very much appreciated.
Steve
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