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Bella And Edward

by groovygal2k 

Posted: 17 July 2008
Word Count: 1348
Summary: Character: Bella Edward Alice Bella and Edward are still together. After being accepted into Dartmouth they decide to go off to university but before they leave, edward has promised to turn bella into a vampire. Will edward go through with his decision? Or will he continue to use distractions?


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Character:

Bella
Edward
Alice

Bella and Edward are still together. After being accepted into Dartmouth they decide to go off to university but before they leave, edward has promised to turn bella into a vampire. Will edward go through with his decision? Or will he continue to use distractions?




I found myself wandering, endlessly wandering the forest. Sun blazing through the tall trees overhead with small bunnies running around my feet. My feet were rustling against the leaves scattered on the ground and as i looked down there was a small, baby rabbit tugging at my trouser leg. I bent down to stroke it but as soon as i put hand to fur, it ran away. "Wait, come back!" i called, only loud enough for a small animal to hear. I straightened up and carried on wandering - curious as to why the poor animal ran away - through this amazingly beautiful forest toward a gap in the trees and i could see the ocean ahead. Suddenly i heard footsteps behind me, i turned around to see who, or what might be behind me. I had to squint to see properly because of the sun beaming down on me like a spaceship trying to take me away. The sight in front me was the most wonderful sight i will always remember for as long as i live. The pale but shiny look of his skin, his short mousy brown hair, the diamond style light blaring off him in different colours. The golden eyes that made my heart skip a beat everytime he locked eyes with me. He looked up at me while i stared at what he was holding. In his cold, hard hands lay a snowy coloured rabbit, with its ears pointed, shaking. It was trying to escape but the hands that held it were strong. I knew that from personal experience. Never mess with a vampire.

"Edward, what are you doing?" i called out, still staying a few feet away from him, not wanting to cause any trouble. He was obviously hungry, but why a small, cute rabbit.
He didn't reply at first. He looked up to me again and then back to the rabbit in his hands. He must have loosened his grip, because suddenly the rabbit crawled its way free to the ground and scuttled away.
Edward looked at me with a curious expression, almost as though he didnt know where he was.
"Bella? What are you doing here?" he whispered, still staring at me with those golden eyes.
"I'm dreaming. Why were you holding that rabbit? You eat bears, remember?" i said, glaring at him with all my might. I some how couldnt be annoyed with him.
I suddenly felt something touch me. I couldnt see any thing touching me, but this strange tap on my arm came out of nowhere.
The tapping on my arm continued.
"Bella? Bella honey, its time to wake up!"

I opened my eyes slight, and saw those topaz eyes i dream about. Well, any other time i dream about them, but not last night.
The light coming in from my window was blinding. I lifted my hand to shield my eyes so i could look at edward.
"Hey, how was your sleep?" he asked in his soft, velvety tone. I shivered as he pushed his cold body next to me on my bed. I couldnt wait until i didnt have to sleep at all.
"I've had better. Have you been here all night?"
He smiled his crooked smile. "Yes. Why, is there something you didnt want me to hear?"
I gave a innocent smile and rolled over to hug him.
"Was i talking in my sleep again?" i asked, cringing.
He lifted his arm to stroke my cheek, i then blushed. His touch was gentle, but very cold, but also made my stomach leap like it was doing the hurdles.
"Just a little, but dont worry, it was nothing i havent heard before. Mostly my name" he grinned.
"Well, i had a really weird dream. Different to ususl. You were about to eat a rabbit." i gazed at him, curiously. Then i rolled back over, reluctantly, to get off my bed.

He frowned "Well, that was strange"
I walked over to my desk and picked up my wash bag and opened the door. "I will be right back. Don't move anywhere!"

After 10 or 15 minutes later, after precise cleaning, i went back to my room to find edward sitting up on my bed looking sad. I walked over to him and sat beside him. The door was still open, but charlie was already at work.
"Whats wrong?"
He turned to me with a look like he could kill. I shifted off the bed in reflex action, unsure of why.
"What makes you think theres anything wrong?"
He had that look, i knew that look. He was hiding something.
"You have that look in your eye. Whats happened?"
His expression suddenly changed to admiration.
"Did you know, its been 18 months since we first met. Properly, that is"

I sat back down next to him and put my arm around him. He flinched.

"Yeah, and its been the best 18 months of my life. Is that such a bad thing?"
He lifted his arm and stroked my cheek down to my neck and then he held my head so he could look into my eyes.
"You know i will always love you right. Even after..." he backed away and walked over to the window. He looked as though he was going to cry, if that was possible.
"Yeah i know that. What are you going on about? Event after what?"

"Alice has seen you changing into one of... us! And she said you were worried i wouldn't want you. Well, she didnt tell me, but i read her mind." he looked at the floor, trying not to look at me.
I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him and rested my head against his cool chest. It was like hugging a statue.
"Please, please dont go worrying about me. I will always want you." I pulled away "Out of curiousity, when did she see me change?"
He suddenly looked weary, and held my face in his hands.
"Never you mind. I want you to enjoy your summer first, and i am not going to encourage you. Lord, or whoever, knows you dont need encouraging."

I walked over to my closet and pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a red sweater. It looked like rain today, as usual. I smiled at him and then went back to the bathroom to change.

After changing i went back my room and lay on my bed where edward was laying on already. He started tracing his fingers down my face, i started giggling, mainly because it tickled.
He went all thoughtful for a second and then lay back staring at the ceiling.
"When we get married..." he started to say, still not looking at me "are you going to go all wifely on me?"
How random was that question?
"Sorry, i don't quite get what you mean?" i turned to my side to look at him and he copied me.
"I mean, well i don't know what i mean actually. I guess I'm just nervous. Are you nervous? i mean, it is only one week away." he brushed his hand against my cheek as i looked at his adoring face.
"You... nervous?" i said, a hint of sarcasm creeping up.
"Well, yeah. I may be 108 years old, but i am still a man - of sorts. And i've never got married before. I'm actually quite worried about how Jasper is going to react when he sees all your relatives. Your human relatives."
He grinned and then moved forward and kissed me on the lips. My head went all dizzy for a second, but after many times of him doing this, i've started to get used to the lack of air flow that comes with it.









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Comments by other Members



Grinder at 17:45 on 11 February 2009  Report this post

Dear Groovygal,


I found this interesting, there's certainly some attractive angles. However, I'm very suspicious of any story that features vampires, simply because they have been done to death, if you'll excuse the pun.


Alright, on with the opinion...

I found the opening confusing; perhaps you need to signal to the reader that it’s a dream.

rustling
Rustling leaves are very familiar, why not describe them differently? Otherwise you're chancing a cliché you might easily have got rid of.

I opened my eyes slight, and saw those topaz eyes i dream about. Well, any other time i dream about them, but not last night.
I found this confusing.

After 10 or 15 minutes later, after precise cleaning
Just say After ten minutes. Not only is this better, but having ambiguity about the time only clashes with your use of the word precise later in the sentence.

He had that look, i knew that look. He was hiding something.
Not only is this clumsy – too many looks. I think it's rendered redundant by the following sentence. I'd cut this.

His expression suddenly changed to admiration.
"Did you know, its been 18 months since we first met. Properly, that is"

I sat back down next to him and put my arm around him. He flinched.

The sentence about his admiration jarred with me, and I'm not sure how admiration is reflected in the dialogue that follows. Also, it seems implausible that she would sit down having been so scared just a moment before: A look that could kill and hiding something.
Also, A look that could kill is deep into cliché territory, even for a vampire.

You need to be more clear with dialog attribution, a few he said's and she said's will go along way and be almost invisible. This is also related to too much stage direction, a string of dialog exchanges with simple identifiers will do no harm. Too much cheek brushing!

How random was that question?
This is written as a direct thought, but is it what she would actually think? Also, it's handy to identify such thoughts by having them in italics, on their own line, and since we know who's head were in you don't need to qualify it.

You need to tighten up your punctuation and capitalisation, particularly of names.


I thought this was interesting, on the whole, but I suppose my overriding feeling I’m left with is confusion, with the broad strokes – the dream – and the small stuff, like dialogue attribution.

Also, I think, before you go any further, you need to ask yourself, "do we need another vampire story?" Will your story cast a new light on this old material? Or could you invent an original race that will suit the story you want to tell?

I hope you find my comments useful…

Thanks for sharing.

Grinder



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