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Week 211 Challenge

by Bunbry 

Posted: 14 July 2008
Word Count: 99


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Vagrant

He shuffles to the phone box, 20p in blackened fingers. His once good coat and shoes filthy. Neglected whiskers cover a face laced with thread veins, lank hair spills from a rotting hat. He deposits his precious coin. Tears threaten at this magical moment.
“Happy birthday Poppet, it's Daddy.”

Tarot

Elizabeth draws a card, looks concerned.
“How old is your daughter?”
“Seven,” says the young woman.
“Listen, you must be sure she can swim before her ninth birthday. Do you understand?”
The young woman pushes Ł30 into Elizabeth’s hand, rushing to leave.
Elizabeth smiles. That line always works.






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Comments by other Members



Elbowsnitch at 17:15 on 14 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Nick - re. posting work to a particular group, if you go to edit mode on this piece, I think you should be offered the option ' Which Group?' Click Flash Fiction and your file title should then be listed in Flash 1, all ready for the challenge. Any crits on your stories by group members will then also show up in the group comments listings.

These are great flashes, by the way.

Frances

Bunbry at 17:53 on 14 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks for the tip about the ' Which Group' thing Frances [and for your kind comments].

Nick

V`yonne at 18:22 on 14 July 2008  Report this post
Loved Vagrrant - so poignant,
face laced with thread veins,
great detail - well done.

And the second, beautifully skeptical and probably true!


Forbes at 02:20 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Nick

enjoyed them both. Especially that last one - so sly.

Well done

Avis

Bunbry at 09:24 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks for those kind comments V' yonne. They were both based on true life [to a small degree].



Bunbry at 09:25 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks Avis. We live in a sly world I' m afraid!

tusker at 14:57 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Enjoyed both flashes. Haven' t a favourite as both are so different. Can smell the vagrant. The fortune teller' s greed and deception well described.

Jennifer.

Bunbry at 16:38 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks for the review Jennifer, you are very kind!

Nick

Jumbo at 18:11 on 15 July 2008  Report this post
Nick

Liked both of these. But the first has it by a small head! So much potential, so much back-story wrapped up in those few words.

Nice writing. Welcome aboard.

Regards

john



Bunbry at 09:19 on 16 July 2008  Report this post
Cheers John, thanks for the comments [and welcome!]

Nick

tiger_bright at 13:49 on 17 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Bunbry (great handle!) - terrific debut flashes, these. I loved the last line of Tarot in particular. How is Manchester? I grew up near there. Looking forward to more of your flashes in future.

Tiger

Bunbry at 16:46 on 17 July 2008  Report this post
Cheers Tiger. Judging from recent reports, Manchester is becoming very dangerous! But I am proud of the city and still happy here.

Nick

tiger_bright at 18:17 on 17 July 2008  Report this post
Aw, Nick, they were saying that when I was going there, and that' s going back about 25 years! Is Aztec Palace still going strong?

Prospero at 20:20 on 17 July 2008  Report this post
Well done, Nick.

You got me! Straight through the heart. Two perfect shots.

Brilliant.

Prosp




Bunbry at 22:23 on 17 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks for the positive feedback Prosp, send me to bed smiling!

Not sure about Aztec Palace I' m afraid Tiger. At my age I don' t get out so much!

crowspark at 23:41 on 18 July 2008  Report this post
Two sharp flashes, Nick. Loved Vagrant. Maybe consider "20p between blackened fingers"?

Tarot was perhaps even stronger. Good dialogue and punchy twist.

Thanks for the read.

Bill

Elbowsnitch at 05:44 on 19 July 2008  Report this post
Nick, the second one is particularly fine, in my opinion - although you could almost leave out that last sentence and just end on ';Jennifer smiles';.

Frances

<Added>

Sorry, Elizabeth! Jennifer?

Bunbry at 11:12 on 19 July 2008  Report this post
Cheers Bill, glad you like them. And yes you are right about ';between';!

Bunbry at 11:16 on 19 July 2008  Report this post
Hi, Frances, thanks for your kind words. Intresting point obout leaving out the last few words, but that would take courage as I';d worry the reader didn';t ';Get it';. Perhaps I should trust the reader more!

titania177 at 19:21 on 19 July 2008  Report this post
Great flashes, Nick, twists in both tails. I loved the description in the first flash, might there be more? (I know that asking that is considered by some in the flashing world a cardinal sin!)

Tania

Bunbry at 10:28 on 20 July 2008  Report this post
Thanks for the positive comments Tania. This was not part of anything else. But who knows about the future?!


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