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Sisyphus

by Tina 

Posted: 11 June 2008
Word Count: 163
Summary: Sorry to have been away for so long - too many things to do - Wonder what you all make of this which was a much longer poem once - it has been written in a specific style - narrative of a specific event( no abstractions) - wonder of the feeling of that event comes through and not sure about the title - any suggestions?


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I had come to talk, but you refused,
instead choosing to mow the lawn
an activity you had so often and
so vehemently scorned.

All the struggles in our relationship
could have been measured
by the stripes I made on that lawn.
it became the constant
in your frequent absence.

The whirring blades of the mower
driving in endless repetition
cutting vertical slashes deep into the green.
An exorcism of anger

Yet today, with one vicious pull,
you are cranking the old motor to life
disturbing the Sunday harmony
with its cacophonous clattering;

furiously pacing this way and that,
first following the old paths
then breaking loose from the rectangular,
circling the trees in different aspects,
creating different continents;

afterwards stomping across flower beds
to fling fine cuttings down
on the rancid decomposing heap,
where my sunflowers once grew.

In that moment you are the embodiment
of Sisyphus pushing his boulder
up the eternal mountain and despite myself
I smile and leave again.










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Comments by other Members



joanie at 15:28 on 11 June 2008  Report this post
Hi Tina. Yes, I think the feelings come through loud and strong. I get a very vivid picture here, presumably of wife/partner/girlfriend (ex?) going to talk things through and the male(?) physically attacking the mowing, despite the fact that he never did it when he should have done! I like the anger-filled words: slashes, exorcism, anger, viscious, furiously, stomping, fling.

There are some excellent understated observations which tell the story beautifully:
an activity you had so often and
so vehemently scorned.


the rancid decomposing heap,
where my sunflowers once grew.


I smile and leave again


I enjoyed it very much, and I'm trying not to think, "Bloody typical!" but I can't help it.

Yes, I do think it works. Title? No, I don't think it's right; how about something which ties in with the creating different continents or links back to a word in the poem? Is it too much to take 'Sispyhus' out of the last stanza and call the poem 'Sisyphus'?

In that moment you are in Ancient Greece
pushing your boulder up the eternal
mountain and despite myself
I smile and leave again.
No, it's not as effective, but do you get what I mean? Just suggestions!

joanie



Tina at 17:39 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
Joanie HUGE thanks for this
Still msuing about the title though!!!
Glad the ' message' got through
Tina
x

Tina at 17:40 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
that should read musing!!!!

joanie at 21:37 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
Titles are unbelievably important - and I never knew that until relatively recently! Take your time, Tina! - it' s time well spent.

joanie

V`yonne at 21:44 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
You have lots of great advice...

Also it can be important just to satrt the poem - not have a title as such - it' s permissible - but you have to be as good as Simon Armitage...

James Graham at 22:37 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
I agree with Joanie on this poem - the feelings communicate very well. Understatement works well - it makes us aware that this isn’t a first, that this man’s behaviour has been repeated many times (it is a man, this is the kind of thing men do), and that we are witnessing the twilight of a relationship. For me all this is implicit in your understated language. The emotive words (vicious, furiously, stomping etc) are to some extent exceptions to this, and that’s effective too however often this has happened, his petulance is still fierce.

I feel you could reduce the second stanza. ‘The stripes I have made on that lawn’ is so telling it hardly needs the previous two lines. Even ‘I made the stripes on that lawn’ is enough for an imaginative reader, who gets satisfaction from getting past the apparent literal meaning, to the real meaning, i.e. whenever I wanted to talk, he went out and made more stripes. (As my son-in-law has said, ‘There’s nothing more scary for a man than to hear a woman say, “We need to talk”’.) I think the line, maybe slightly altered, stands on its own. If that seems too drastic, then something like

Our struggles could be measured
By the stripes I made on that lawn.


Perhaps you could find a way to leave out

Disturbing the Sunday harmony
With its cacophonous clattering


which is slightly irrelevant - in the sense that it doesn’t add to the motif of anger running through the poem. If a neighbour, who was in a perfectly cheerful mood, started up his mower, it would clatter and disturb the Sunday peace just the same. The other actions of the man in the poem are angry and vicious, quite violent really, but these two lines don’t express his anger. That’s what I mean by saying they’re irrelevant.

I agree with Joanie about the title, and think ‘Sisyphus’ is better. A title can re-occur somewhere in the body of a poem - I don’t see that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Or else you could try reworking those last lines so that Sisyphus is recognisable but not named - perhaps with a little more detail of his labour as he rolls the stone uphill, or his despair as it rolls back down yet again.

...on the rancid decomposing heap,
where my sunflowers once grew


is another very telling idea. It’s a kind of incidental metaphor for the relationship. It could be taken as just a sad observation, but a reader used to multiplicity of meaning in poetry would see it as a summing-up of the falling-away the has taken place.

James.

James Graham at 22:43 on 12 June 2008  Report this post
Correction - ' that' s effective too - however often' . (' Owner Edit' doesn' t seem to be working.)

Tina at 18:07 on 13 June 2008  Report this post
Thanks James, Joanie and Vyonne - I will have a think and get back to you!
T

Elsie at 23:16 on 14 June 2008  Report this post
Hi Tina, this tells such a story of a broken down relationship. I have a feeling it could be trimmed a little further, perhaps around stanzas 1 and 5.

Tina at 09:22 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
OK folks I have had a go at reworking this and do think it is much better for it - so thanks to all for your suggestions.

Joanie this ttitle is much better and now underpins the poem - thanks
Thanks James for your suggestion about the last verse - see changes
Elsie have had a tril but couldn' t find a better way to say what I wanted in verse 1

see what you all think.
T

ps - y' vonne have just written something new without a title so thanks to you for that!!

Sisyphus

I had come to talk, but you refused,
instead choosing to mow the lawn
something you had so often and
so vehemently scorned.

All the struggles in our relationship
could have been measured
by the stripes I made on that lawn.
The whirring blades of the mower
cutting vertical slashes an exorcism of anger.

Yet today, with one vicious pull,
you are cranking the old motor to life
furiously pacing this way and that,
following the old paths
then breaking loose from the rectangular,
circling the trees in different aspects
creating new continents.

Afterwards stomping across flower beds
to fling the cuttings down
on a rancid decomposing heap,
in a place where my sunflowers once grew.

In that moment I watch your struggle
pacing up and down in endless repetition
knowing that all too soon it will need re-doing.
Then, despite myself, I smile and leave again.



Tina at 09:25 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
Sorry the owner edit does not seem to be working

There should be a semi colon in this last line:

[i[The whirring blades of the mower
cutting vertical slashes an exorcism of anger



Tina at 09:26 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
The whirring blades of the mower
cutting vertical slashes an exorcism of anger

something wrong with the editing today????


Tina at 09:27 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
Ok this is the last post - but all the semi colons I had put into this poem have not come out and the owner edit is definitely not working so beware all - sorry for this jumble????? ::::::::

joanie at 21:05 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
Hi Tina. I like the re-working! I wondered if the last stanza needed to show more of the uphill struggle, but perhaps not. It' s enough to make the reader google if necessary (like me!!) I have to say that I do like the title.

joanie

V`yonne at 22:03 on 15 June 2008  Report this post
I like it too and I agree that maybe more struggle would be good in that last but I look forward to reading the titless one, Tina )

Tina at 09:13 on 16 June 2008  Report this post
Yes thanks to you both Joanie and V' yonne you have really helped with this one
More later
T

James Graham at 22:25 on 16 June 2008  Report this post
Much improved - much more concentrated. Your treatment of the Sisyphus idea in the last verse is just right, I think - it becomes a modern variation, and is oblique but not difficult for a reader to pick up. The reader wonders why the poem is called ‘Sisyphus’, then comes to the last verse and understands. The mowing is a Sisyphus thing so too is the relationship.

Could I suggest a comma after ‘slashes’? And a small addition to ‘Yet today, with one vicious pull’ - ‘Yet still, today, with one vicious pull’. The previous lines are about past occurrences of the same thing - so many of them, yet still he takes the same way out.

James.

Tina at 07:48 on 17 June 2008  Report this post
Thanks James I am working on it as we speak!

Tina


joanie at 23:40 on 19 June 2008  Report this post
Tina, Oh my goodness - I was just browsing my work (well if I don' t who else will??!!) when I came across ' 5pm at the Garrison' . James' s comment refers to Sisyphus! I had totally forgotten that! My poem was nothing at all to do with yours, but I just found it fascinating.

joanie

Ticonderoga at 15:34 on 04 July 2008  Report this post
Well, I think that' s just perfect.........one of those rare poems the reader lives as he/she reads.......quite splendid, really!

Best,

Mike


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