Gone by Zettel - WriteWords.org.uk

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Gone

by Zettel

Posted: 24 May 2008
Word Count: 94

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Gone

when the morning chorus
mutes its joy
to the attentive ear
love has gone

when madrugada blue
passes unremarked
to new unwelcomed day
love has gone

when the lightest touch
of once responsive skin
does not set fires within
love has gone

when the windows to her soul
are shuttered tight
locked against revealing light
love has gone

when the music of her voice
has ceded joyous melody
to sad unhoping threnody
love has gone

when love is gone
passion dies
precious intimacy
lost in secrecy
distance now denies
we were ever one

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Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 13:50 on 31 May 2008 Report this post

Very melancholy, very musical, very moving........I find the rhythm hobbles at one point: I would suggest 'unhoping threnody'.

Write on!

Mike

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V`yonne at 15:05 on 31 May 2008 Report this post

Yes, wistful and lyrical and I liked it very much. The last stanza for me isn't quite there yet and I can't really pinpoint why. Ikeep reading it over and over and thinking that it could be honed down - that perhaps one or both of these is unnecessary:

our once-thrilled secrecy
buried with our intimacy

It is said equally well without them - just my opinion of course.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

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Zettel at 10:56 on 01 June 2008 Report this post

Thanks Ti/Vy

The rhyming structure of the last stanza is a bit odd and may not work but I had never used it before and it sort of came out that way. Ti you have recommended my first thought - I think you're right. TA. And Vy 'intimacy' is tough work to make scan because it is one word you cannot alter the syllable emphasis on - you can only say INTimacy not inTIMacy or intimACY. But for this kind of emotion it IS the right word.

Only a slight little piece so with your change Ti I think I'm done with it.

thanks for the comments

Z

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Zettel at 11:06 on 01 June 2008 Report this post

Thanks to your comments I have pared down and re-jigged the last stanza keeping its abccba structure. I also like the briefer rhythmic contribution to the whole poem better.

Old truths: less is more; and good criticism improves.

thanks again

Z

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Ticonderoga at 13:45 on 02 June 2008 Report this post

That'll do it..............perfect.

M

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