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After The Surge and Before The Meltdown

by Victor Gente Delespejo 

Posted: 07 May 2008
Word Count: 742
Summary: A short absurdist take on G. Dubya Bush and his creed

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If one takes a moment to look around and observe what is happening, it becomes immediately clear that we are not threatened by falling temperatures. On the contrary, the temperatures are rising all over the world at an alarming pace. Thus, it is not an Ice Age that we should worry about. No, ladies and gentlemen, forget the Ice Age and start making way for the lovely threat of the sizzling Fire Age.

Scorching temperatures and melting ice caps are the charming companions of this coming Fire Age, and they bring with them the hard-rockin’ “Extreme Weather Fluctuations,” soon to perform in a venue near you. Watch out for their smash hits “Flash Floods,” “Heat Waves,” “Dried up Rainforest Makes a Good Patch of Farmland,” and their unforgettable tune “Super Storms Pounding on My House.” It’ll be a great show, worth every penny you spend on it, but don’t go overboard; keep your cool and save some money for your caring political party, which can always use your donation. Please donate generously and remember that your political party is here to look out for your best interests, so make a big donation and help us build a better and safer place where the threat of global warming will be dealt with swiftly and resolutely, just as the threat of terrorism has. Please don’t forget to also screw the Kyoto Protocol up the ass in order to help our slumping economy recover, which will eventually stand to benefit greatly from a cataclysm, should one occur, for we aim to be the top supplier of relief technologies and equipment to the whole drowning world. In fact, this cataclysm will be a blessing in disguise, for – as God has confided to me – it will spawn an unprecedented level of research and innovation, placing humanity in a whole new tier.

Now, where’s the sucker who said that Bushonomics don’t have a long term vision? Has he shut his mouth yet, or does he wanna hear our plan again? No? That’s what I thought!

So, any more questions? Ah, yeah, go ahead. What was the question? ‘How will we live in an environment that is turning increasingly hostile?’ Well, there’s only one way to deal with this! The more hostile the environment gets, the more we bomb the crap out of it! What? What do ya mean that this is not what you meant? What? So what’s the question? ‘How will we survive in a climate whose equilibrium is being disturbed?’ Well, how the hell should I know? I just know that we will! That’s all! God insassured me of it. Yes, he insassured me of it, and he insured me too! What’s the matter with you? Can’t you understand English? Next question. What? Did I ask God how we shall survive? Ma’am, I can tell you now that I, I do not have the audacity in me to ask our Lord and Maker how He aims to carry out His plans. I’m sure He knows best how to run things down here. After all, He’s the Big Boss. And I certainly cannot take it in my liberty and start snooping around in His affairs. Nor can I begin to question His plans and wishes. I know better than that and so should you. In fact, I cannot believe that you are asking me this question. Shame on you, ma’am! Shame on you. May God have mercy on your soul. Now please, get on your knees and pray for our troops down in Iraq, which are getting ready to surge into victory. And that goes for all of you. Get on your knees and pray. If you do we shall win. God has spoken.

Oh boy! I mean, this is what we are predominantly dealing with here, dear Citizens of the Globe. This is what the leader of the strongest Western country of our time is saying between the lines – and sometimes out loud, too, although not in those words (his exact choice of words cannot be reproduced for fear of damaging the English language irrepairvocablishly, God bless his soul).

What is even more extraordinary, though, and quite worrisome, is the fact that W clones are beginning to sprout all over the globe, emulating this type of logic and applying it in their own special ways.

What do you say to this type of ill logic, whatever culture it comes from? What indeed?

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