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Broken

by hailfabio 

Posted: 18 April 2008
Word Count: 109


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Like my memories of you,
perhaps I was too harsh.
I could never admit to my own failings,
even though they sat so big
at the back of my mind.
A fall was coming, I could feel it
and I ran over the edge
with blissful abandon.

Itís not about how you land though,
itís about how you fall - and I fell horribly.

The ground is hard,
I found,
but not as hard as you.
Youíre granite
and youíre the panic in me.

I just couldn't see through
all the reels and reels,
and I couldn't resist
all my feels.

My concepts are all broken now, like me.






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Comments by other Members



Tina at 08:42 on 19 April 2008  Report this post
Stephen hi

There is a breathless feel to this poem -the events unfold in 'shouts' of breath - this happened - that happened - there is a lot of telling here - I like the tighter structure of verse 3 and I really like these lines:

I could never admit to my own failings,
even though they sat so big
at the back of my mind


In the penultimate verse did you mean to use the word - 'feels' ? AND do you think you need the last line as your whole poem is shouting this out at us?

enjoyed this thanks
Tina




Ticonderoga at 14:15 on 22 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Stephen -

I'd pretty much have to echo Tina's views. Immediate and powerful writing, though...............


Best,

Mike

tinyclanger at 10:55 on 05 May 2008  Report this post
Hi Stephen, I really like the first stanza and the couplet...then I felt my sense of the meaning drift a bit. I think it could be teased out, explored more.

xx
tc


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