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Wards

by tractor 

Posted: 11 April 2008
Word Count: 344
Summary: For the surreal challenge


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Edna liked watching the prisoners. She took pleasure in their escape attempts. Even now, the group huddled at the far end of the cage, plotting.

A robot, all sparks and whiz, deposited the evening tray at Edna's table. Inelegant steel hands cut the food into manageable chunks.

"I'll see to myself now," Edna said.

The mechanoid ignored her, playing aeroplane with a loaded spoon, feeding her institutional cuisine.

Clearing her mouth, she shrieked, refusing to stop until the electronics left. She sighed and nibbled at the plate, scraping the remains down the waste chute.

One of the prisoners rattled the cage bars. Edna laughed hysterically until the orderlies came.

"She's at it again," Nurse Lily complained, pouring another mint julep from the specimen jug. "How does she get so high."

"There's no way the old girl's getting drugs in this place," Dr Forrest observed. "Nobody scores except through me."

Edna was dreaming of hospital. She was in surgery. Her heart had been removed. The surgeons were playing a game of tennis with it over her prone body.

Every time the racquet connected she felt a pain deep in her chest. One of the players was about to make a power serve. Edna held her breath.

The monitor display flattened to a single line, the beeps became a monotone howl.

"I'm calling death at 23:13," Dr Forrest said, abstaining from the bother of resus.

Nurse Lily and a cleaner stripped Edna's bed.

"I'm surprised you let her have those things," the cleaner gestured toward the prisoners.

"She was Private. Could have kept a horse if she'd wanted." Nurse Lily picked up the cage. "I'll get rid of them."

The nurse enjoyed a cigarette in the garden before slipping the catch. The creatures squealed and ran in a ragged group toward the shrubbery.

One halted briefly at a tinny musical sound.

Nurse Lily watched disinterestedly as it put a small vibrating oblong to its ear

She just caught his words.

"You won’t believe the day I've had! I'll call you back when I'm on the train."






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 07:04 on 12 April 2008  Report this post
That was great. Very funny.

Jennifer

Jumbo at 09:44 on 12 April 2008  Report this post
Mark

Wonderful stuff! What a clever set up - and then that twist at the end with the mobile phone.

One minute there were mice in the cage - the next, something much more human and helpless - but at least they did have a phone to call home.

Brilliant. Rally enjoyed it.

Cheers

john

V`yonne at 14:09 on 12 April 2008  Report this post
A brilliant flash and I think this passage is just superb!
Edna was dreaming of hospital. She was in surgery. Her heart had been removed. The surgeons were playing a game of tennis with it over her prone body.

Every time the racquet connected she felt a pain deep in her chest. One of the players was about to make a power serve. Edna held her breath.

The monitor display flattened to a single line,

Elbowsnitch at 19:33 on 12 April 2008  Report this post
Amazing, Mark! Truly surreal and beautifully written. I particularly like
Inelegant steel hands cut the food into manageable chunks.

and
pouring another mint julep from the specimen jug

Puzzled by "Edna was dreaming of hospital" - but isn't she indeed in a kind of hospital? Perhaps you could condense to "Edna was dreaming she was in surgery" or the like.

Love all the tennis/heart stuff. And getting prisoners on private medical insurance - wonderful idea! The mobile phone adds just that final touch.

Frances


<Added>

Oh I also really like
abstaining from the bother of resus


crowspark at 22:42 on 12 April 2008  Report this post
This is great, Mark. Loved the robot orderly feeding Edna and enjoyed the robotic descriptions:

all sparks and whiz


The tennis match with the heart was effective.

Brilliant twist. Made me think of the giants in The Silver Chair.

TFTR

Bill


tractor at 11:29 on 13 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,John,Oonah & Bill,

thanks for the comments and suggestions. I think my inspiration came from Land of the Giants (if anyone remembers that).

Cheers All

optimist at 11:36 on 13 April 2008  Report this post
Very surreal. Poor Edna - though maybe not?

Like everyone else I loved this -

Nurse Lily watched disinterestedly as it put a small vibrating oblong to its ear

She just caught his words.

"You won’t believe the day I've had! I'll call you back when I'm on the train."


Yes - Land of the Giants. Thanks for the read!

One small pick/query - disinterestly?

Sarah

tractor at 15:03 on 13 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Sarah,

thanks for commenting. I think I've coined a new word!

Cheers

Mark


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