Query Letter Help!
Posted: 09 April 2008
Word Count: 313
Summary: Hi everyone, this is query letter with an outline that I'm about to email to a couple of agents. If you could spare any thoughts on it, that'd be great! Thank you
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I am looking for representation for my young adult novel, I AM NOT WEARING PINK a story about a horrible, pink bridesmaid dress, a hunky American stepbrother and a rock legend.
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is the story of thirteen year old Holly Stephenson who has a problem. In fact, she has several.
Her dad just got married and Holly’s new American step mum is from hell, but her gorgeous stepbrother is from heaven. Holly’s ex-boyfriend isn’t afraid of canoodling with his new girl right in front of her and more importantly, her boobs aren’t growing at all.
When she has to work in the Hospice shop for ripping her bridesmaids dress, Holly thinks the summer holidays are going to be the worst ever. But a chance encounter with Roxy Ellen, her all time favourite pop star, the absolute queen of rock, changes everything, and suddenly the summer holidays are giving Holly the best time of her life.
With encouragement from Roxy, Holly excitedly volunteers to arrange a charity concert, as a chance to impress her cool American stepbrother and ex-boyfriend. Everyone is depending on Holly and her special relationship with Roxy to make the concert a hit. Not to mention her strict Nan, who’s also on the charity committee, but as the concert organisation develops, things start to get out of control and very soon Holly is in deep trouble.
Apart from her two best mates, Holly’s on her own, and she might just be about to ruin her life - because apart from seeing Roxy Ellen the once, Holly’s invented a lot of things about the concert and unless something happens, everyone is about to find out that she's a fake.
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is a story about finding out your strengths and appreciating great friendship, as well as snogging, flirting and ways to get over being flat-chested.
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Comments by other Members
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 Cornelia at 11:22 on 09 April 2008
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This really seems all outline, rather than letter. That said, the story itself seems to have all the right ingredients.
One or two minor hitches:
| the Hospice shop for ripping her bridesmaids dress, |
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at first reads like that's what the shops for, so maybe you could start:
'When she learns that to pay for ripping...'
Queen of rock
| Not to mention her strict Nan, who’s also on the charity committee, but as the concert organisation develops, things start to get out of control and very soon Holly is in deep trouble. |
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Very shaky in terms of grammar, so much depends on how fussy they are.
Oh - and isn't she too young at thirteen to work in the shop?
Otherwise, sounds like a good read.
Sheila
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 Zoe_ at 11:29 on 09 April 2008
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Thank you for responding so quickly, there are some great points there. I'm going to change 'work' to 'help out' and re-word some of the sentence structure.
I am going to put a bit about myself etc. in the letter, but didn't want to bore you with that! 
Thanks again,
Zoe
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 NMott at 13:12 on 09 April 2008
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One thing I'd suggest you add is the ending - a short paragraph to wrap it all up and say what happens to Holly and her friends, whether or not the concert is a success, and whether she gets off with her stepbrother.
Very minor technical point, you have two 'apart from's in the penultimate paragraph.
A bit busy right now but I'll come back to it.
- NaomiM
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NMott at 23:39 on 09 April 2008
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Coming back to this now I've got a bit more time...just a few minor points I noticed on the second read through.
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is a story about finding out your strengths and appreciating great friendship, as well as snogging, flirting and ways to get over being flat-chested.
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This is good, Agents like stories that handle teen issues, but you raise a couple of rhetorical questions which should be answered in the ending: What strengths does she discover within herself? And, 'great friendship' with whom?
With encouragement from Roxy, Holly excitedly volunteers to arrange a charity concert, as a chance to impress her cool American stepbrother and ex-boyfriend. Everyone is depending on Holly and her special relationship with Roxy to make the concert a hit. Not to mention her strict Nan, who’s also on the charity committee, but as the concert organisation develops, things start to get out of control and very soon Holly is in deep trouble.
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As Cornelia pointed out this paragraph could use a change of punctuation (not my best subject but I'll give it a shot):
With encouragement from Roxy, and as a chance to impress her cool American stepbrother and ex-boyfriend, Holly excitedly volunteers to arrange a charity concert. Everyone, including her strict Nan who is on the charity committee, is depending on Holly and her special relationship with Roxy to make the concert a hit. But as the concert organisation develops, things start to get out of control and very soon Holly is in deep trouble.
With regard to 'working' in the Hospice shop (which implies payment), maybe it could be changed to 'volunteering' in the Hospice shop.
On a more general note, synopsis are usually on a separate page to the covering letter, so I would suggest the first sentence be moved to the first line of the covering letter, (followed by any published works which your story is similar to, and the word count, and, finally, any details about yourself that you chose to include).
The first sentence of the synopsis should be:
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is the story of thirteen year old Holly Stephenson who has a problem. In fact, she has several.
All the best with it
- NaomiM
<Added>
a couple of rhetorical questions which should be answered in the ending - on second thoughts, not necessarily answered in the ending, but the answers should be somewhere in the body of the synopsis.
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Zoe_ at 13:00 on 10 April 2008
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Thank you for the detailed feedback - I will get to work on those brilliant suggestions!
Zoe
x
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susieangela at 22:30 on 10 April 2008
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Hi Zoe -
I thought this was very engaging and well written. I wouldn't call it a synopsis or an outline, it's more like a blurb because it's full of hooks. The kind of thing you'd see on the back cover. Not that that's a bad thing - it would certainly make people want to read it - it just depends what they're asking for.
One question: I'm not an expert in this genre, but isn't 13 more of a children's novel or a young teen novel than a young adult novel? (No doubt others will answer this).
Anyway, I'd be inclined myself to send this as two separate documents:
1. A query letter just saying:
Dear -,
I am looking for representation for my young adult novel, I AM NOT WEARING PINK: a story about a horrible pink bridesmaids dress, a hunky American stepbrother and a chance meeting with rock legend.
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is 50,000 words long. A short synopsis is attached.
(THEN DETAILS ABOUT YOURSELF IF THEY HAVE A BEARING ON YOUR BEING THE RIGHT PERSON TO WRITE THIS STORY OR ANY QUALIFICATIONS THAT ARE RELEVANT).
I look forward to hearing from you,
Yours sincerely,
etc. |
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2. Then, on a separate sheet, your synopis:
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is the story of thirteen year old Holly Stephenson who has a problem.
(new line)In fact, she has several.
Her dad just got married and Holly’s new American step mum is from hell.
Holly’s ex-boyfriend isn’t afraid of canoodling with his new girl right in front of her.
And more importantly, her boobs aren’t growing at all.
On the plus side, her gorgeous new stepbrother is to die for.
When she's made to help out in the Hospice shop after ripping her bridesmaid's dress, Holly thinks the summer holidays are going to be the worst ever. But a chance encounter with Roxy Ellen, her all time favourite pop star, (LOSE:the absolute queen of rock,) changes everything, and suddenly the summer holidays are giving Holly the best time of her life.
With encouragement from Roxy, Holly excitedly volunteers to arrange a charity concert (FOR THE HOSPICE?), as a chance to impress her cool American stepbrother and her ex-boyfriend. Everyone is depending on Holly and her special relationship with Roxy to make the concert a hit - especially her strict Nan, who’s also on the charity committee. But as the concert organisation develops, things start to get out of control and very soon Holly is in deep trouble. (IF THIS IS A SYNOPSIS, WE NEED BRIEF DETAILS OF WHAT WENT OUT OF CONTROL).
Apart from her two best mates, Holly’s on her own, and she might just be about to ruin her life - because apart from seeing Roxy Ellen just the once, Holly’s invented a lot of things about the concert and unless something happens (THIS IS A BIT VAGUE), everyone is about to find out that she's a fake. (WHY IS SHE A FAKE?)
THEN WE NEED TO KNOW HOW THE STORY IS RESOLVED SATISFACTORILY. WHAT HAPPENS? IS THE CONCERT SAVED? DOES HOLLY END UP WITH HER STEP-BROTHER? ETC.
I AM NOT WEARING PINK is a story about discovering your strengths and appreciating great friendship, as well as snogging, flirting and ways to get over being flat-chested. |
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Hope this is helpful,
Susiex
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NMott at 18:47 on 11 April 2008
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| but isn't 13 more of a children's novel or a young teen novel than a young adult novel? (No doubt others will answer this). |
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The YA genre is confusing since it is just another name for Teen. For some reason Teen never really took off as a genre name, and for PC reasons the publishing industry chose YA. It basically covers 13 up.
- NaomiM
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Zoe_ at 08:02 on 12 April 2008
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Thank you so much for the help, and for the comments. I'm going to try working on a full synopsis now
Thanks again!
Zoe
x
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.jpg) Jubbly at 16:34 on 18 April 2008
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Hello Zoe,
I love the title and the sentiment. My 7yr old boy has a book called Yuk, I think that's it, about a tomboy who hates all the flower girl dresses in the shop so designs her own to wear to her aunt's wedding. Obviously it's for much younger readers but there's a real want to clap and cheer for her element that you too would be tapping into. I agree the Hospice shop line is clunky and the chance encounter with Roxy seems out of the blue. I know it's a tall tale at the end but still seemed to stretch credibility. It's not that far from a very good synopsis and should certainly get you read.
Good luck
Jubbly
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