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Complicity

by tusker 

Posted: 08 April 2008
Word Count: 298
Summary: Week 102 challenge


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She said Jane was a nuisance. She said the Devil would take her soul. She told her one day, when she grew up, she'd grow a Pinnocchio nose.

Her mother lied.

He said Jane was his little girl. He said she was his pet. Her father told her that she was his one and only.

Her father lied.

Zak said Jane was a cry baby. He said she was dead ugly too. Her brother told her she was a cuckoo in the nest.

Her brother told the truth.

At night, Jane curled up into a ball, waiting. Through dark hours, after he'd left, she clung onto her Teddy Bear. By day, she crept about the house but always he found her, hiding in the cupboard under the stairs.

Last September, she told her mother. Her mother screamed and hit her for telling such wicked lies. After that, her parents huddled together muttering and if he caught Jane looking, he'd smile.

Today, at dawn on her fourteenth birthday, Jane barricaded them all inside their bedrooms. Then she called out, 'Come and get me you bastards!' Moments later, three doors bashed against heavy furniture piled up outside their only means of escape.

Laughing at their angry pleas, Jane put a match to the taper. Suddenly there was a whoosh of flame that gobbled up a paraffine path weaving across the landing.


The blue carpet sizzled and turned black. Seconds later, flames leapt up to the ceiling and the lamp shade exploded, showering orange rain down onto banisters and stairs.

Dashing outside, Jane stood on the neatly cut lawn, waving up at their frantic faces, hearing their fists punch against double glazing.

Fred and Alf, the garden gnomes, laughed so much that Jane thought they might fall off their pink toadstools.






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Comments by other Members



rebecca at 12:46 on 08 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

Blimey

That is so strong and evocative - I just listened to a radio programme today interviewing a woman whose dad abused her as a child and this really reminds me of that.

I thought you worded this so well, flew through it and found it very moving and anger-inspiring!

Well done
Rebecca

tusker at 13:51 on 08 April 2008  Report this post
Thanks Rebecca.

Jennifer

Inspiration at 19:23 on 08 April 2008  Report this post
Dark and very emotional. I loved it!

I hope you don't mind me saying, but there was a point that I wasn't sure who 'he' was. For example:
After that, her parents huddled together muttering and if he caught Jane looking, he'd smile.
I think it's her brother, but I am not sure. An invisible monster in her mind? (To help her deal with what has been going on.) The gnomes? Sorry to be picky, it could just be the way I have read it, and my busy tiring day, but it is a good story and worth perfecting.

three doors bashed against heavy furniture piled up outside their only means of escape
reads to me as a rather long mouthful.

Again, it might be me, but personally I don't really like the last line - I am sure you can come up with something else. I'm afraid, off the top of my head, I can't think of an example. I just think it doesn't quite fit with the seriousness and darkness of the rest of the story. Or maybe it does, showing her final break from reality? It just wasn't for me.

The nastiness of the parents and their behaviour towards her is written well- sadly it's clearly their doing in the first place. The brother acts like most little brothers would, given parent's like that it is very fitting that his childish teasing became harsher. Sad, too, as she believes him.

It's an emotionally charged story and I loved her chilling revenge.

Great stuff!

XXInnIXX

tusker at 07:33 on 09 April 2008  Report this post
Thanks Inni for you advice. Yes, she's round the bend. Will cut out the gnomes, perhaps.

Jennifer

rosiedlm at 14:29 on 09 April 2008  Report this post
Very chilling Jennifer. I was caught up in her anger right from the beginning but I do, however, agree about the last line. I would rather end reading with a vision of her face rather than of the gnomes. Her reaction would be much stronger.

Best,
Rosie


tusker at 15:11 on 09 April 2008  Report this post
Thanks Rosie.

Jennifer

Elbowsnitch at 10:26 on 10 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer, this is mad and brilliant. I really like
The blue carpet sizzled and turned black. Seconds later, flames leapt up to the ceiling and the lamp shade exploded, showering orange rain down onto banisters and stairs.


And I love the gnomes! Just in my opinion, it's a wonderful last line - highlights the craziness.

Where you say "Suddenly there was a whoosh of flame that gobbled up a paraffine path " - could condense to "A whoosh of flame gobbled up a paraffin path"?

Excellent flash!

Frances



Nella at 16:47 on 11 April 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer, here I am in Flash Fiction!
I thought this was a powerful piece - really went under my skin.
I actually liked the last line, because it emphazises how far gone she is.
Robin

tusker at 19:12 on 11 April 2008  Report this post
Thanks Robin and welcome to flash 2. Try flash 1 as well. You won't regret it.

Jennifer


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