Silent Companions
Posted: 03 April 2008 Word Count: 283 Summary: Flash 1 challenge:City Perspective
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I sit in my small flat above Sebastian's Nightclub. Below, music throbs. Outside, drunks shout and brawl. By day, shoppers and office workers dash to and fro unaware of the constant disturbance that occurs after they've all gone home.
On a sofa, in front of the window, two dummies sit side by side. The male dummy wears a fair wig. The female has brown hair, fibrous to touch. Outside, down in the puke stained street, if someone cares to look up, they will see only the dummies heads and hopefully presume I have company.
Though my companions are mute, I can tell by their sour expressions that they too dislike the stench of take away food seeping through a hole in the rotten window frame, permeating the air like stale sweat. Tonight, a bitter finger of wind streams through that hole, ruffling the female dummy's dress as if she's trembling with shock or maybe fear.
But this city has been my home since I fled the country of my birth and I describe to my silent friends, stretches of fields of my childhood. I tell them about my mother, stout and comfortable, keeping our sturdy farm house spotless. I weep, even now in my dotage, as I recall her delicious, spicy stews, her rough, gentle hands. I speak of my father, broad in shoulder, short in stature, who's lips would crack open like a golden brown nut at some amusement.
And as I reminisce, my companions nod their heads as if my memories are their own and I say that when I pass beyond this mortal life, I will soar like a bird over seas and countries until I reach my beloved homeland.
Comments by other Members
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V`yonne at 14:58 on 03 April 2008
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Just love it. I thought - just a though mind - that in that last line you could replace memories with language. It just seemed to me as I was reading it that her isolation was due in part to a language barrier because you used the word 'dummies' and if you change that word I think it will come out even more strongly but as I say - only a suggestion.
Adored:
down in the puke stained street |
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tusker at 15:23 on 03 April 2008
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Thanks Oonah for you kind comments. The dummies, real ones, she keeps for security reasons as their heads are always on view. She imagines them nodding. But agree with language.
Jennifer
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Forbes at 16:03 on 03 April 2008
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Jennifer
very sad and lyrical I thought. I agree re the memories/language thing.
Loved
I can tell by their sour expressions that they too dislike the stench of take away food seeping through a hole in the rotten window frame, permeating the air like stale sweat. Tonight, a bitter finger of wind... |
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Cheers
AVis
<Added>
...er I didn't say that I thought this was spiffing stuff!
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tusker at 16:21 on 03 April 2008
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Thanks Avis. Will change memories to language as you adn Oonah have suggested.
Jennifer
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Inspiration at 11:59 on 04 April 2008
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Hi Jen,
I picked out those lines already picked out by Oonah and Avis - as my favourites too.
I would only take out the 'and' replacing it with a fullstop and perhaps a new paragraph - in this sentence But this city has been my home since I fled the country of my birth and I describe to my silent friends, stretches of fields of my childhood. |
| and then be very happy indeed with this piece of flash.
Wonderful! Dark, mysterious and gets you thinking.
XXInniXX
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tiger_bright at 13:35 on 04 April 2008
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Hi Jennifer, this was a sad and funny flash, great mix of humour and regret. The introduction of the dummy company gave it a surreal feel, which I liked. I wonder if the "bitter finger of wind" (lovely!) would poke rather than stream? And you've got a 'who's' that should be 'whose'. Tiny nits, because this stands as is.
Tiger
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tusker at 14:00 on 04 April 2008
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Thanks Tiger, I always get my who's muddled up with my whose.
Jennifer
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Elbowsnitch at 18:28 on 04 April 2008
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Beautiful piece, Jennifer. I especially love the dummies - the idea of them being there in the first place, and their nodding and trembling. And I can tell by their sour expressions that they too dislike the stench of take away food seeping through a hole in the rotten window frame, permeating the air like stale sweat. |
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Brilliant writing! The city atmosphere/description is great, too.
Frances
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Prospero at 20:56 on 04 April 2008
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Hi Jennifer
This is incredibly powerful. I could see the room and the dereliction and the poor woman's soul reaching out to the land of her birth and he parents. Her waiting and longing for release is so poignant.
Perhaps the ladies can suggest a suitable venue for this, but it should be published it is so good.
Respect
Prosp
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tractor at 22:40 on 04 April 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
liked the use of dummies, as a substitute for company and as a detterent to yobs in this depressing landscape where death is the favoured exit for the old.
Cheers
Mark
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choille at 23:09 on 05 April 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
This is lovely and also very sad.
An old woman sits above a soiled street far from her homeland with two mannequins for company.
It has a feel of Elenor Rigby about it.
A graet graphic image of the woman sat with the dummies 'if anyone cares to look up.'
Really rather moving.
Great flash.
All the best
Caroline.
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Jumbo at 00:32 on 06 April 2008
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Jennifer
Great images here, the old person with the two companions. Is this what life holds in store for us?
Outside, down in the puke stained street, if someone cares to look up, they will see only the dummies heads and hopefully presume I have company. |
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Wonderful!
A very sad tale, written with just the right touch - and topped off with that lovely final paragraph ...
I will soar like a bird over seas and mountains |
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Superb.
All the best
john
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tusker at 07:00 on 06 April 2008
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Thanks Caroline and John. Yes, I'm afraid loneliness and alienation in old age is common and getting more so.
Jennifer
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crowspark at 12:49 on 10 April 2008
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Lovely descriptive writing, Jennifer.
Loved the ending and the use of shop dummies for company is a great image and device for witnessing her psychological state.
EDF might like this.
Good luck with it.
Bill
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