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The Funeral
Posted: 28 March 2008 Word Count: 150 Summary: This weeks challenge
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Sam walked and cried and held the Chinese food container low against his stomach.
“Put Jasper down into the grave,” I told him. “Bow your head.”
He tucked his chin against his chest and folded his hands, mimicking me as I pretended to know a thing or two about funerals.
“Jasper was a good gerbil,” I said. “Strong in the face of adversity, do you remember the time he escaped and lost his tail under the couch? He never complained. He let go of his tail in the same way we must let go of Jasper.” I went on to list Jasper’s finer qualities. “Do any of the mourners have anything to say about those past, before we conclude their journey to heaven?
Sam began to giggle. “He was really fast too.”
“Yes. Let us not forget.”
Poor Jasper, no longer will your nightly exercises rob me of my sleep.
Comments by other Members
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V`yonne at 00:06 on 29 March 2008
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I just love this, Jordan. Reminds me of my friend's gerbil - always losing its tail down his shirt! and goldfish funerals. Beautifully solemn. Lovely tone. Especailly the giggle.
all our furry (and finny) friends.
Delightful.
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Jumbo at 00:57 on 29 March 2008
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Jordan
I enjoyed this - the solemnity of the whole thing, and the little uncontrolled giggles.
I took it to be two children - one slightly older than the other - but still both quite young. Is that right? I wasn't sure.
If that is right then that word 'adversity' didn't quite work for me. I wondered if it was just a little too grown-up, if you see what I mean!
But 'Jasper' - what a great name for a gerbil!
Thanks for the read - wonderful,
All the best
john
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Jordan789 at 05:49 on 29 March 2008
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Thanks Oonah and John.
Was hoping for a father-son thing, John. Might tinker it a bit to see if I can add some depth, but I don't know if I handle depth all that well.
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tusker at 07:49 on 29 March 2008
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Great story. It's as hard losing a pet as a human. I assumed it was Mum. Doesn't matter though.
Jennifer
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tiger_bright at 11:31 on 29 March 2008
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Hi Jordan, loved the humour in this and the wickedness of the ending, which I read as the dad putting the gerbil out of his misery. I may be wrong, but never mind, I loved it anyway. I got a strong impression of the father/son relationship here, and liked the quirky details like the Chinese foil tray as coffin and the tail being lost.
Tiger
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V`yonne at 12:15 on 29 March 2008
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Jordan this has depth! I don't think there can be a deeper relationship than an older sibling trying to come over all parental and strong and not quite bringing it off. I wouldn't change this if I were you. You do brothers very well. I'd play to that strength.
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choille at 13:15 on 29 March 2008
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This great - the little pall bearers all solemn & then the giggling.
Great dialogue - a wonderful believable glimpse into a pet's funeral seen from kids POV.
Works really well.
All the best
Caroline.
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tractor at 17:11 on 29 March 2008
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Hi Jordan,
enjoyed this. Thought the final words seasonedwhat could be a too sugary situation very well no longer will your nightly exercises rob me of my sleep |
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Cheers
Mark
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Cholero at 21:31 on 29 March 2008
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Jordan
He let go of his tail in the same way we must let go of Jasper. |
| -nice.
Enjoyed the light tone with the sense of real loss.
Best
Pete
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crowspark at 12:45 on 08 April 2008
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Hi Jordan.
I really liked this and particularly enjoyed the picture of a child:
He tucked his chin against his chest and folded his hands, mimicking me as I pretended to know a thing or two about funerals. |
| and the mock solemnity.
I went on to list Jasper’s finer qualities. “Do any of the mourners have anything to say about those past, before we conclude their journey to heaven? |
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I wasn't clear that the adult wasn't just a slightly older child so you might want to clarify that, otherwise no nits.
Bill
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