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Keeping You A Secret (Working Title)

by LMJT 

Posted: 21 March 2008
Word Count: 853
Summary: This is the first scene of my novel in progress, currently titled Keeping You A Secret. It's about the fifth draft of the start of the novel. It's a first draft at the moment, but I'd like to know if you think it's engaging and strong enough to demand interest. Thanks.


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Sunlight stretches across his face and he wakes again from the dream in which he's mute.

His naked body stirs, stretches, and images of his mouth forming futile words drift slowly to the back of his mind. He reaches for Samantha but feels a cold emptiness beside him, smells the faint trace of her body, her sweet perfume. In moments, the dream is the slight memory it always becomes, a void remembered, a truth forgotten.

Hearing her soft footsteps on the landing, he opens his eyes as Samantha walks into the bedroom, the post in one hand, a loose manuscript in the other. She's wearing the white dressing gown that he gave her last Christmas, the tie loose around her slender waist.

She smiles, shakes her head. He can tell that it's happened again, but he asks anyway, 'Was I talking in my sleep?'

She laughs, holds up her thumb and forefinger a centimetre apart. 'A little.'

Placing the manuscript on her bedside table, she switches on the radio and slides into bed beside him. She cups his face in her hands and kisses him on the lips, her skin soft against his stubble. Their tongues meet for a moment before he pulls away.

'What was I saying?'

'You always ask that,' she says, handing him an envelope, 'and I always say 'I don't know.' It's not talking, really, just mumbling.'

He nods, pushes her curly blonde hair behind her ears. 'Did I keep you awake?'

Samantha smiles, 'I'm used to it now. You're in another world when you're asleep, darling.'

The radio burbles in the background, a Saturday morning show about films, music, books. The chatter stops and a Joni Mitchell song begins.

Daniel looks down at the cream envelope in his hands, frowns on recognising the Broadoaks emblem of an oak tree. In an instant, he sees the uniform blazer he wore, the matching leather satchels his parents bought both he and Richard; he sees the dormitories, the headed report papers he took home every term. 'Daniel works hard,' teachers always wrote in scratchy handwriting, 'but he's a very quiet member of the class.'

Reading those accounts, he'd always wondered if, as at home, his performance and behaviour were being compared with Richard's; if every essay, story, poem were being judged against his brother's.

Back then, he'd wished to be an only child, a boy not sharing his own likeness, appearance, his mirror image. But back then, he hadn't known what was to happen, that in becoming one alone expectations would shift, identity would be lost.

He slides the letter from the envelope and reads it quickly, aware of Samantha beside him, her breathing slow and steady, her quick pen strokes on the paper in her hands.

When he's finished, he folds it neatly, once, twice, and places it back in the envelope.

'What was it?' Samantha asks.

'Just a letter from my old school.'

She frowns, puts the lid on her pen. 'But you're not in the alumni, are you?'

'I think it was just a circular.' He clears his throat and pulls back the duvet. 'Do you still want to go to the Tate Modern this afternoon?'

Feeling his wife's hand on his arm, he turns and their eyes meet.

She cocks her head to one side. 'What's wrong?'

He glances away, shrugs, 'Nothing, why? I've got stuff to do. It's Saturday, isn't it? I've got tennis with Tom.'

'Something has upset you.'

'It's nothing.'

'After fourteen years, Daniel, I think I know when you're upset.' She picks up the letter from the school. 'Is it this?'

He watches her read the letter and wonders what the words mean to a stranger.

She looks at him. 'Is this the teacher that got you into Pinter?'

'Yes.'

'When did you see him last?'

'A couple of years ago. Two, three maybe. He was in Finsbury Park with his wife.'

'Did you know he was ill?'

'I had no idea.'

'Will you go to the funeral?'

He shakes his head. 'It's mainly going to be family, isn't it?'

'But they sent you this.'

'They'll have sent it to everyone.'

There's a silence in the room. The sound of traffic outside washes in through the open window, the curtains wave in the breeze.

'I think you should go,' Samantha says. 'Pay your last respects. You'll regret it if you don't, I know what you're like. Besides, you might see some of the people you went to school with.'

He flinches, steps out of bed and pulls on a pair of jogging bottoms. 'Shall we meet at the Tate Modern at about three? I'll probably be going for lunch with Tom after the game.'

'I don't understand why you're not interested in seeing people from your past,' Samantha picks up the manuscript again, but her eyes flick back up on Daniel. 'I had a great time when I went to that reunion. Aren't you in the least bit curious about what happened to people?'

'Not really,' he says, looking at his reflection in the mirrored wardrobe door, 'people change. That's life, isn't it?'






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Comments by other Members



julietoc at 10:58 on 22 March 2008  Report this post
This opening certainly sets up a hook with the letter, but i am not sure that opening with a dream is the strongest of beginnings.

it also drops into back story about his school days and brother and though i can imagine this is essential to the plot i would aim to keep it as brief as possible in this opening, a mere mention would be enough for now. I think it is vital to keep the momentum forward in the opening pages. once the reader has connected with the characters then the past becomes interesting.

it is however well written and I get the sense of a happy marriage between Daniel and Samantha.

Juliet

LMJT at 14:58 on 22 March 2008  Report this post
Hi Juliet,

Thanks for your comments, really useful. You touched on two things that I was anxious about: bringing in the past too soon and starting with a dream. I think so many books must start with people waking from dreams, it's probably not too original! Also, agree with you on the flashback. I shall rework it.

Thanks again,

LMJT



Traveller at 16:11 on 22 March 2008  Report this post
Hi Liam. I actually liked the dream opening - it made me want to read more. I would echoe Julie's comments about the other parts though. I found it quite confusing, but as it's a first draft that's to be expected. I think it could be pared down a lot more and loaded with more tension. Since the character's struggling with repressed homosexuality - maybe you can add a few hints - it seems a bit of an innocuous beginning. I found the chat about the Tate modern and tennis distracting - perhaps borrowed from real life? Yeah, forward motion is important in an opening, but I don't think this is a bad start - it's certainly engaging and well-written. I quite liked the pace of the piece too, moved along nicely. Good luck with it.

MarlaD at 16:41 on 22 March 2008  Report this post
I really like this..their relationship is modern & believable..I agree with some of the above comments..maybe miss out the mute bit & make it 'that repetitive dream' 'his usual dream' or something..it's not like you've opened with a dream sequence..

It flows really well & I look forward to reading more x

LMJT at 13:54 on 25 March 2008  Report this post
Thanks for your comments everyone.

I shall be posting the next scene soon.



johnwayne at 21:02 on 26 March 2008  Report this post
Hello there,

I really like the chapter as a whole and your writing style is lovely and smooth. I like:

There's a silence in the room
.

It is certainly good to read a nice relationship between partners.

I am new here so I don't know how detailed you want the criticism but I too thought that compared to the rest of it, the dream was not the place to start, or if it were, then it maybe should be really shortened to just a sentence or two.

It seems that you have lots of elements here: The dream, the letter, the talk of Richard, as well as introducing the characters and the setting the scene. Maybe you don't need all three of these hooks in this one chapter.

(Although you could say that nothing EVER happens in my chapters so ignore me if you wish).

I might think about cutting the following:

Daniel looks down at the cream envelope in his hands, frowns on recognising the Broadoaks emblem of an oak tree. In an instant, he sees the uniform blazer he wore, the matching leather satchels his parents bought both he and Richard; he sees the dormitories, the headed report papers he took home every term. 'Daniel works hard,' teachers always wrote in scratchy handwriting, 'but he's a very quiet member of the class.'

Reading those accounts, he'd always wondered if, as at home, his performance and behaviour were being compared with Richard's; if every essay, story, poem were being judged against his brother's.

Back then, he'd wished to be an only child, a boy not sharing his own likeness, appearance, his mirror image. But back then, he hadn't known what was to happen, that in becoming one alone expectations would shift, identity would be lost.


Or maybe just cutting down to a sentence..

Looking forward to reading more...

J

Terry Edge at 16:22 on 04 April 2008  Report this post
LMJT,

I thought this was very well written: consistent tone, even pacing and a believable relationship between the two characters, and I like how his evasions tell us a lot about his state of mind without you spelling it out.

Overall, however, I had the feeling that perhaps you're being just a little too restrained in the writing. I can see you want to be subtle, rather than bullish, in building the atmosphere of this story. But I feel this creates a slight distance between author and characters, and therefore between the characters and the reader. This effect may be increased by there being no clear point of view in this passage. We're sort of in Daniel's, but see his actions and thoughts almost as if they're just neutrally placed in a scrapbook. Again, I can see you don't want to be too obvious with emotion, but a touch of what he's actually feeling would, for me at least, close that point of view gap a little.

'His naked body . . . ' actually veers towards omniscient point of view, in that Daniel would not really 'see' his nakedness or even be aware of it, especially when he's in the process of waking up. And 'a Joni Mitchell song begins' adds to the emotional distance, i.e. because this would not be what either character would observe from their point of view - they'd know which particular song it was or not know it was a JM song at all.

There are a few places where I felt the rhythm stuttered a little, but that may be just personal taste. For example:

She laughs, holds up her thumb and forefinger a centimetre apart. 'A little.'


The action she makes here is rather cumbersome to read and dilutes what is a good, light, response. 'She laughs. 'A little.'' would do fine, I think.

And -

the post in one hand, a loose manuscript in the other


I had to read this a few times to 'get' it. First, I pictured some kind of wooden post! Then thought you meant a newspaper called The Post; gave up, and didn't realise till later you meant as in correspondence. And 'loose manuscript' gave me problems, first because I wasn't sure how, in Daniel's POV, he would know it was a manuscript rather than just a sheaf of papers, and second because I had to work out what 'loose' meant, given that if she was holding it, it wouldn't be, if you see what I mean.

Just a minor thing, but her cupping his face in her hands seemed an unusual action for someone to make with a partner they've known a long time; more something you'd do with a new lover.

But, as said, I thought this was really well written. It picked up my reading mind and carried it smoothly along, letting me get lost in the characters and their situation. I would definitely read on because I want to see how the tensions you've built between them play out and to discover what it is he's upset about in that letter.

Best wishes,

Terry


LMJT at 12:52 on 05 April 2008  Report this post
Hello everyone,

Thanks again for your comments. It's given me a lot to think about.

Terry, you made some really useful points which I am working on at the moment. I'm keen to stay in Daniel's POV for this scene since it sets him up as the protagonist, but understand that there may be some distance between characters and readers.

Also, the part about the song on the radio was really useful, so thank you for taking the time to read and comment in such a constructive way.

I am posting the next scene tomorrow.

LMJT


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