week 192 challenge
Posted: 04 March 2008 Word Count: 254 Summary: A Place to Live
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Squatting down in a shop's doorway, wrapped in a tatty pink blanket, the youth, pale faced, stares out unblinking as if pedestrians passing by are invisible. But he is aware of his dog curled into a contented ball of brown and black fur. His hand, constantly strokes the mongrel's bullet shaped head as if in the knowledge that, despite their feral existence, both are a constant in each others lives.
The glazed stare of the youth is looking outwards, past rushing legs, to the place where he once lived; a place he fled from at the age of fourteen and as he thinks about that place, a woman sits in her kitchen, one hundred and three miles away studying a cherished photograph.
From the sitting room, she hears the TV blaring and she knows, without checking, that her husband sleeps on the settee after a hard day's drinking and she traces a finger across the image of her son, all neat and clean in his school uniform.
And as she looks at the photograph, her tears fall like rivulets of poison blurring the smile into a sneer on her son's face. But she's glad that her child escaped from the fists that daily rain down and she prays that her child has found a safer place.
And as she finishes her prayer, the TV goes off and the ominous silence has her slididng the photgraph under a newspaper. Alert but terrified, she listens to her husband's staggering approach down the hall towards the kitchen.
Comments by other Members
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V`yonne at 14:50 on 04 March 2008
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That's sad Nit: typo here and this paragraph starts the same as the last, which grates.
And as she finishes her prayer, the TV goes off and the ominous silence has her slididng |
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I never know why women don't just leave... or murder the B. It would be worth gaol.
<Added>
By the way - love what you've done with the title ??? How about Living Rough?
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Forbes at 17:29 on 04 March 2008
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Sad stuff. I picked up same typo.
Perhaps you could lose that first And..., keeping the second as it pivots us into what will happen when her husband gets there....
Make sense?
(Couldn't she have the carving knife ready - please?)
Cheers
Avis
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tusker at 18:30 on 04 March 2008
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Thanks Avis and Oonah. See what you both mean. Did it in a hurry as I'm trying, not too successfully, to conjure up a flash for flash 2 and I want to post a short story which has to be timed with requirements expected on writewords. It's a pain.
Jennifer
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V`yonne at 19:37 on 04 March 2008
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Save yourself a few spaces like the Prosp always does. He uploads Space for a story every couple of days whether he has a story to fit the space or not.
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Forbes at 21:25 on 04 March 2008
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Aaahhhh! so THAT'S how to do it!
Avis
<Added>
I know what you mean Jennifer - I'm having a wee bit o' trouble with a flash for FERAL, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit. :(
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Forbes at 21:30 on 04 March 2008
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Oonah - doesn't your cat get fed up with the attention?!!!
How does Prospero get his hands ON her exactly?
Avis
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V`yonne at 22:22 on 04 March 2008
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You know Prosp. He shares part of the same soul with her. I really have to watch my step or she gets into DDYMum even when he's off line! It's tragic.
Take a walk on the wild side
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rebecca at 07:09 on 05 March 2008
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Jennifer
I think this was wonderful. Obviously not as in a wonderful topic, but so well written - the tension, anger and anxiety it portrays and stirs up.
I agree with the knife sentiment, if only! Or let him trip up and smack his head on a fireplace or something.
Rebecca
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tusker at 07:30 on 05 March 2008
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Thanks Rebecca, if only the solution to some of these women and their children were that simple. Personally, it would be a castration job.
Jennifer
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tiger_bright at 11:50 on 05 March 2008
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Great, gripping flash, Jennifer. I liked the way you separated the mother and son in space, then connected them via the boy's distant stare and the photograph. Very moving.
Tiger
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choille at 12:09 on 05 March 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
From a doorway with a dog to a kitchen 103 miles away & the connecter of the photo of the runaway son - very nice span & then the mention of the drunk bully father/husband waking & the fear of the mother/wife.
Neatly done.
All the best
Caroline.
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Cholero at 20:44 on 05 March 2008
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Jennifer
Nice, ironic double-meaning in the title, really chilling in the light of what is told. Shiver.
I really liked the position of the narration, like I was right next to the son in the street and then right next to the wife/mother, and how that placed the bastard husband at some very distant remove, which conveyed to me the loss of all tender feelings in any direction. It creates a very real monster somehow.
Typo - slididng, but In liked that detail of her hiding the picture.
Terribly sad and terribly nicely done...
Nice writing,
Pete
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crowspark at 12:50 on 07 March 2008
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Lovely writing, Jennifer. A powerful story idea perfect for flash. And you give the reader so much: colour, implied texture and sound. Strong ending.
Have you considered cutting down to 200 words and putting it into the past tense? A useful exercise if you feel like it.
Thanks for a brilliant read
Bill
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Cholero at 18:58 on 07 March 2008
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Jennifer
For the sake of the challenge could you get this to 250???
Pete
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tusker at 19:10 on 07 March 2008
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No time, this week Pete. Want to post a short story and, having posted 2 for flash one and two, must post one this weekend for short story. But will add later. Thanks.
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Jumbo at 23:56 on 08 March 2008
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Jennifer
This is lovely. Very sad. I like the way yo set up the two characters in their own worlds and then linked them together.
I especially liked that line from the mother:
But she's glad that her child escaped from the fists that daily rain down and she prays that her child has found a safer place. |
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Wonderful.
Thanks for sharing this.
Cheers
john
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