A Minor Inconvenience
Posted: 13 February 2008 Word Count: 274 Summary: For the challenge of the week. Didn't proof this as much as I tend to do, and maybe this is a good thing. But usually not. We'll see. =)
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The feeling came from her lower abdomen, somewhere down behind her belly button; it spread up and out, as if the illness were lifting its arms, preparing for something—a dive, a bow, a final methodical motion before some main event. She gripped the metal fence bordering the park pathway, bent over and vomited onto the blacktop. The doctor had told her that exercise was okay, but to rest if she felt fatigued. “There will be nausea too,” he said. She hadn’t felt this bad since being pregnant and that was when she was young, softer on the inside, less hardened by the facts of life. The puke was the color of the medicine, a bright pink like something from the Ghostbusters movie. She wasn’t supposed to take them on an empty stomach. “But what if I can’t eat anything?” she asked the doctor. Her husband looked at her like she was being melodramatic. She called it realistic—preparing herself for the worse. The feeling passed, but she still felt it in her stomach. A tingling, as if some slime-covered feather were tickling at parts of her body that should never see the light of day, that should remain hidden, tucked away, doing their job, no questions asked. She watched a woman who must be in her sixties walk past, her arms swinging, her legs opening and closing like scissors in the hands of a deft seven year old, chomping their way down the pathway. She sighed, tilted her head back and imagined falling asleep under the canopy of winter tree limbs, waking up warm, and laughing at how silly women look when they power walk.
Comments by other Members
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Forbes at 16:52 on 13 February 2008
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Strong writing Jordan. You got a real empathy going for the MC. I loved the line
her legs opening and closing like scissors in the hands of a deft seven year old, chomping their way down the pathway. |
| - so descriptive. Neat.
I think the piece could be improved by opening out the layout. The text was very densely packed. a few dashes, semi colons & such would give a pause during the reading - for emphasis...y'know? maybe a para or 2 more?
I think the text is good as it stands and I liked it lots.
TFR
Avis
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tiger_bright at 16:54 on 13 February 2008
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Hi Jordan, I found this very powerful, although I did want to know how serious the illness was. The woman's husband seemed inclined to dismiss it, which surely means it wasn't life-threatening, but there was a great sense of doom, and I think it would've worked well had it been a very serious illness, something life-changing.
it spread up and out, as if the illness were lifting its arms, preparing for something—a dive, a bow, a final methodical motion before some main event |
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Brilliant image - the illness personified, her inner demons all preparing to take a bow, implying a swan-dive on her part.
Tiger
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V`yonne at 17:00 on 13 February 2008
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Open it out a bit as Avis says but don't tinker too much. It reads nice and easy.
eg:Leave a line before this
The puke was the color of the medicine, a bright pink like something from the Ghostbusters movie. She wasn’t supposed to take them on an empty stomach. “But what if I can’t eat anything?” she asked the doctor. Her husband looked at her like she was being melodramatic. She called it realistic—preparing herself for the worse.
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| and after it.
This is great writing, Jordan.
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tusker at 18:36 on 13 February 2008
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Very good. The husband is denying to himself the seriousness of her illness. She's facing the inevitable and sees the funny side of life. Have I got it right?
Jennifer
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rosiedlm at 21:25 on 13 February 2008
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Hi Jordan,
Powerful writing. I didn't feel I needed to know what the illness was but picked up that it was serious enough for the medicine to have powerful side-effects, and your description of nausea
as if some slime-covered feather were tickling at parts of her body that should never see the light of day |
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is great.
Loved your description of a younger MC
softer on the inside, less hardened by the facts of life |
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Best,
Rosie
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ireneintheworld at 01:46 on 14 February 2008
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jordan this is magnificent...i wish i had written it. fantastic stuff. don't tinker too much with it. i thought it was a serious illness but it really doesn't matter; any sickness with big medicine will make you feel your mortality. fabulous. an absolute winner.
irene x
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Elbowsnitch at 07:59 on 14 February 2008
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This is very strong writing, Jordan. So vivid and immediate, your descriptions, especially
She hadn’t felt this bad since being pregnant and that was when she was young, softer on the inside, less hardened by the facts of life.
The puke was the color of the medicine, a bright pink like something from the Ghostbusters movie. |
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Also excellent is
A tingling, as if some slime-covered feather were tickling at parts of her body that should never see the light of day, that should remain hidden, tucked away, doing their job, no questions asked. |
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Brilliant flash!
Frances
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titania177 at 15:00 on 15 February 2008
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Jordan, you've captured so much here in so few words. I love the idea of the illness lifting its arms, preparing for something. I really felt her. And a beautiful, sad ending. She's not going to make it, is she?
One nit: this line threw me out of the story, it doesn't quite make sense
The feeling passed, but she still felt it in her stomach. |
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Thanks, lovely writing.
Tania
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Cholero at 23:12 on 16 February 2008
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Jordan
Lots of lovely stuff here, clean, clear writing. I liked final methodical motion before some main event |
| and metal fence bordering the park pathway |
| and when she was young, softer on the inside |
| though wondered if you could ditch less hardened by the facts of life.-slight over-egging??
like something from the Ghostbusters movie |
| -this felt out of place.
her legs opening and closing like scissors in the hands of a deft seven year old |
| -v nice, especially against her age.
Could you ditch ? -hint of cliche in an otherwise cliche-free zone.
I like the whole mood of cool compassion.
Nice writing.
Pete
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crowspark at 15:47 on 02 March 2008
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Some great writing, Jordan. Your opening par I liked particularly.
She wasn’t supposed to take them |
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I wanted the medicine to be a pink liquid, in which case it would have been "it" rather than "them" which suggests pills.
A tingling, as if some slime-covered feather were tickling at parts of her body that should never see the light of day, that should remain hidden, tucked away, doing their job, no questions asked. |
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Great detail. I would trim it a little. You could easily end it at "light of day."
Great image of the woman, power walking.
She sighed, tilted her head back and imagined falling asleep under the canopy of winter tree limbs |
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Fabulous.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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