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The Land: Harmonies Journey

by Local Scott 

Posted: 12 February 2008
Word Count: 3181
Summary: Chapter 1 of The Land. A young man fights many different battles in his life daily, both physically and mentally but what is about to happen to him next and everybody else may well push him over the edge for good.


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THE LAND

By Scott Lee Evans



Prologue:

The death of his greatest friend paled in significant; Jacob was now going to have to destroy everyone


Book One
Harmonies Journey

‘Oh God!’ Jacob spluttered as he came crashing through the foamy white surface of the rapid water. He was in a river and he had absolutely no idea how he had gotten there. He called out for help as he felt panic surging through every inch of his body but his pleading screams were muted by the amount of heavy, violent waves that were hosing fat chunks of water chokingly down his throat and forcing him back under. Jacob felt his body flipping roughly in the waters belly like a feeble rag doll alone in a washing machine. He tried with all his might to straighten himself and to fight his way back up to the surface but the ruthless waves crashed and crushed him back below, denying him his chance to get his head above water for the air he felt he desperately needed. Once more he struggled upwards and yet again he felt himself tossed back beneath as if the water was effortlessly toying with him as a cat would with a small mouse. Swallowed by the river Jacob felt his strength finally spent and reluctantly his eyes closed.

Chapter One
Home

Cold dread flushed through Jacobs veins, a sensation that he felt interrupt him all too often these days. He had become suddenly aware of a gigantic, wild looking man ploughing violently through the dense Saturday night crowd in his pub, roaring like a mighty grizzly bear.

‘Where is she? Where is she!’ the filthy drunk howled as his tree trunk arms swung viciously around, causing innocent revellers around him to scramble frantically to safety.

Jacob fought against the crowd running away from the commotion, and made his way as quickly as he could towards the disturbance, hoping to quickly calm the situation somehow. Jacob wasn’t brave, he was just on autopilot, this happened all too often. He was alone in his actions; everyone else in the crowded pub were looking directly to him with a expectation that he should be stopping the horrible thug from spoiling their night immediately, in fact most seemed quite annoyed that Jacob hadn’t already done so. Well it was all very good expecting this, thought Jacob, he was of course the bar manager but no one seemed in a hurry to offer any assistants, even though the ferocious ogre, who looked very likely to murder someone soon with his huge head crushing hands, was twice the height and width of his own rather small and weedy young body. Doormen would have been very much a welcomed help but unfortunately they were just another expense that Jacobs father was not willing to incur, not when he had two sons and himself to see off trouble makers. The main problem Jacob found with his fathers theory however was the fact that neither his Dad nor younger brother was usually around. And if they were it was most often them causing the worst trouble.

‘What’s the matter Sir?’ Jacob shouted to the drunk once he finally reached him, not mounting too much hope on getting a civilised reply. In fact Jacob got no reply, instead the raging drunk had started lifting up any young man he could lay his hands on and shaking them vigorously.

‘Sir! Sirrrr! Please just calm down,’ Jacob shouted, trying to get his voice heard over all the yelling and screaming. ‘Please just tell me what the problem is?’ Jacob knew his pleads were in vain, his presence wouldn’t intimidate a budgie let alone the daunting giant who towered menacingly before him

The man quickly swung around towards Jacob and opened his frothy dirty mouth about to say something when one of the young men he had just beaten about the head began screaming from down on the floor where he laid bloodied. ‘Chuck him out will ya! You call your self management, kick him o-‘, but unfortunately the man on the floor was quickly silenced with an abrupt blow from the drunk and that really caused all hell to brake loose as an explosion of bodies, friends of the victim it seemed, began throwing themselves wildly at the brute, using Jacobs furniture as weapons and missiles.

For all the damage that was being caused to his pub, Jacob inwardly welcomed the gang of angry young men battling the monster in his bar and together they all managed to eventually knock him over so that they were able to drag him kicking and screaming outside into the heavy lashing rain, which was erupting fiercely as it hit the ground hard, making the whole scene look even more dramatic to the large crowd watching from within the warmth of the pub. The group of young men soon had the drunk face down as they struggled to control him, but still he managed to thrash about, full of electric power and unbridled rage. The thunderous rain was the least of anybodies problem, all who now had hold of him were too scared to let go as the threat of what he would do to them if he got free was a thought not worth bearing.

As all the anarchy played on with no sign of stopping, a tall thin man, no older than Jacob, appeared next to the huddle of men clasped on top of the drunk.

‘What are you going to do now?’ He said quite casually with a hint on a smirk on the end of his wide thin lips, ‘Its freezing cold out here and this fella isn't gonna stop until he happily does some one a right bloody injury!’

This interruption caused Jacob to momentarily lose concentration, and by doing so he allowed his grip to loosen enough so that one giant leg was able to pull free and kicked him hard across the face

‘Has someone called the police yet?’ shouted the tall thin man with more urgency as he jumped to take over Jacobs job of holding the drunk down while Jacob laid sprawled, bloody and dazed on the soaking wet concrete. ‘Gawd, I dunno’ he continued more at ease, though Jacob couldn’t make sense of anything at that moment ‘I go out for five minutes and look what happens’ he laughed.

Half an hour later and still outside in the torrential rain waiting for the police, the group of men were still desperately trying to hold onto the man and not any of the wiser to why he was so disturbed. Jacob was now back involved in the huddle, his jaw stinging with excruciating pain. It wasn’t too long however before his attention was abruptly dragged back to inside the pub. Through the glass front doors and landing in a hail of shard glass besides him landed a customer who had just been thrown out the pub. Jacob quickly noticed that none of his bar girls were serving anybody, instead they were rolling in the aisles of the counter, entangled violently with female customers. The music had ceased playing too as the band had stopped to see what all the fuss was about. The only noise Jacob could hear now was the ugly bawls from the crowd demanding someone serve them their beer.

‘Jacob, you go inside and sort that out’ said the tall thin man still holding onto the drunken mans leg ‘I can take care of this’

‘Thanks Miller’ and Jacob got up and quickly ran back inside.

Once in Jacob dragged a hand over his face as he felt his brain ache, thinking of what he should do next, though he train of thought was quickly interrupted by a customer who had noticed his return.

‘Where’s the staff? I want a drink. Go and serve me now!’ the man said, whose group of friends quickly began chanting similar demands.

Jacob didn’t get a chance to answer as his attention was diverted yet again because in the corner of his eye he noticed a mini skirt clad woman of advanced years and with white hair like a drenched poodle run pass the outside window and jump on top of the clump of men holding down the rampant destructive drunk like an American wrestle leaping off the ropes of the ring. Jacob turned around to go back outside when he felt himself painfully pulled back, his shoulder gripped by a crushing hand.

‘Get me drink now!’ commanded a lofty gaunt man with blood shot yellow eyes in a voice that spoke very slowly and unevenly, but with immense menace. Jacob instantly recognised this man, a local bully who he would normally have stopped to serve immediately to save trouble but too much was happening.

‘Not now Terry!’ Jacob shouted, his cool temper finally beginning to crack and with those words he pulled his shoulder free and dashed back outside. In front of him was a bungle of bodies, topped with that of a middle aged woman inappropriately dressed like a flirty sixteen year old girl. The woman was hurling abuse and offering sharp scratches to the men beneath her who were still trying to hold down the drunk who wasn’t showing any sign of calming down.

‘HELLO’ Jacob shouted sternly ‘Who the hell are you and what do you think your doing?’

‘He’s done nowt wrong, git off me Bertie you hooligans. You!’ she pointed to Jacob, baring her stained brown teeth and with a look of hatred in her eye that he had seen all too often with people who turned violent after drinking more than they were capable of, ‘tell’em to git off him’

‘Look, please calm down’ said Jacob who in truth was trying to calm his own bubbling temper’ this man_’

‘BERT!’ she shouted

‘Bert here has attacked a lot of people, including me’ Jacob pointed to his own bruised face but he got no reaction other than a ugly sneer, ‘and we’re waiting for the police to arrive to deal with him, so just calm down please or else your gonna end up joining him!’

‘What have you been doing Bert’, the woman said now turning her attention to the drunk who still had his head buried in the tarmac ‘why you been hitting people for? What is up with ya Sweetie?’. Miller, Jacobs tall thin friend, laughed out loud that such a horrible animal could ever deserve the nickname Sweetie

‘Arghhh!’ Bert roared, managing to turn onto his side so that he could look at the lady he was about to address ‘You woman, you cheating cow. I know where you’ve been. Me mate around The George and Dragon told me you’ve been having it with sum young matey in this place all day!

Jacob and the men holding onto Bert listened intently, hoping to finally make sense of everything that had happened, but Jacob had long guessed that he was just another Saturday night local whose brain had been addled by too much beer.

‘I’ve been round me mam’s you old trout, you dropped me there yourself this morning, remember, before you went to da BLOODY PUB!‘

The enlightening exchange between the pair didn’t get the chance to reveal any more stupidity as at that moment the police finally decided to turn up.

The police vans sped up the driveway and screeched to a screeching halt, making the appearance that they had got there as soon as possible where in fact it had been a lot more like 40 minutes since a member of the public had called them. This might have been acceptable as it was a Saturday night and similar incidences were happening all over the small seaside town but the police station was just two building down the road from Jacobs pub. The police van was quickly followed by an ambulance, who luckily got there just in time as two police officers were in quick need of repair once they tried to take care of Bert themselves. Three police vans full of riot police later and the furious giant was finally carted away, along with his foul mouthed lady who sobbed loudly at the injustice of it all as she tried to kick the chins of the officer who was escorting her to his vehicle. Just as promptly as he had appeared Bert the vicious drunk was now gone.

Jacob and Miller thanked the men who had helped them, promising them free drinks and happy to forget the damage those same men created themselves when they first attacked Bert with the pubs chairs and table legs. Miller ran into the pub to try and restore some order but whatever fighting had been going inside the pub had now stopped, most likely due to the presence of the police and the bar staff were frantically serving the impatient crowd once again.

Jacob waved off the police officer who had finished taking his statement and walked slowly back into the pub while looking at his watch. ‘Only 9:30’ he tutted to himself, still another few hours to go until closing time he thought, what else could go wrong? Jacob looked up from his watch straight into the yellow eyes of the tall gaunt man who had earlier demanded Jacob serve him during all the chaos.

‘Turn ye back on me! Make me look like an idiot in front of me mates will ya’ Huffed Terry just before he punched Jacob hard on the chin.
*

Jacob slowly tried to open his eyes but they hurt too much. Tingling, he tingled all over. His body felt weightless and his mind light and blank. He could have weighed the same as a feather but it still would have been too heavy for him to lift at that moment, his felt his limbs sprawled uselessly. He laid for what seemed like hours but in truth it was probably no longer than a few minutes. After a while he tried to open his eyes again. Gradually they fluttered for a second but quickly clapped shut again beneath the heavy weight of his painful eyelids. Jacob stayed still for a few minutes more. He began to feel annoyed at his own feebleness and slowly the clogs in his brain began turning once more, trying to figure out what had happened to him. With a deep breath and some determination Jacob opened his eyes wide. Instantly he saw an unbelievable flash of light, so bright that his eyeballs felt as though they had just burst into flames but just as quickly the sensation vanished and he felt a small spurt of soft cool wind blow gently into his frail eyes. There was something wrong with what he was looking at. The smoky stained ceiling of the pub, which is what he had expect to see, wasn’t there. Jacob thought for a few more minutes. Why was he looking up at a beautiful blue sky? He eagerly willed his brain to hurry up and work and slowly it dawned on him that his encounter with Bert had happened over a week ago and he had just been merely dreaming a moment ago. He thought hard for a few more minutes and then suddenly all the energy zapped back into his body like lighting and his sat bolt up. He grabbed hold of his face hard and realised that he was okay, he was alive. The very last thing Jacob could now remember was being thrown violently around a raging river, where he had fully expected to die. Jacob tried to remember how he had gotten into that river but for that his memory was still blank. He tried to remember back a little further but still it was blank. In fact before his encounter with the river the very last memory he had was of that he had just dreamt, his fight with big Bert, which he knew had happened over a week ago but what after was a mystery.

Jacob stayed motionless, just staring with his eyes to the sky, just thinking. He curved his fingers and felt the ground between them slowly ripple through. His hands made soothing gestures along the floor, sand, it was sand he was sitting on and next he realized he had a mouth full of it and he fell to his side to sputtered it all out. Jacobs’s body was now beginning to register again, all his senses were coming back to him, and the sounds he could hear began to make sense. He could hear water smacking down on the sand not far from him. He also noticed something about himself, he was naked. This however was not the strangest thing that Jacob was beginning to realise. Although he had no clothes on he realised it was very hot, though he couldn’t see a sun anywhere in the cloudless sky but even so he presence was casting a long shadow on the flat virgin sand next to him. And from looking at his shadow he raised his hand once more to his head to see if what the shadow was showing was true. Jacob slipped him fingers along the top of his head and felt masses of thick locks of hair and tickling his elbow was what was hanging long and low off of his face. Jacob had never had long hair in his life and apart from a bit on fluff on his chin he had never been able to grow a beard like that he now sporting.

Emotions were coming back with a vengeance, suddenly Jacob felt panic surge through his body as fast as the water that he thought was going to kill him. What had happened to him? He wanted to stand up and cast his eyes out around but his legs toppled like a toddler when he first attempted this and he fell hard to the ground. The only thing lifting him now was his heart bouncing his body off of the floor. Sheer panic was all that Jacob could feel now. In all the fights Jacob had ever been in, never had he been scared like this.

‘Jacob!’ a familiar voice boomed, sounding as frightened as he felt, ‘Jacob!’

Immediately Jacob tried to acknowledged his name but only murmurs rose from his own voice, nothing loud enough to be heard

‘Jacob!’

With a harsh cough, which blew off the final clomp of sand resting on his tongue, Jacob bellowed back with a cracked voice full of dire desperation

‘Miller! Miller I’m ere, I’m ere’ Jacob cried and soon he realised that other voices were shouting as well, other names were being called and mayhem and anguish were mixed in those as well. Cries of help, sobs and worst of all children screaming for lost parents were heard all around him. What was happening Jacob thought. Finally something zapped in his brain and he felt that his eyes were now truly opened. Beneath the beautiful blue sky everything else was blindingly white.






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Comments by other Members



The Mighty Mouse at 09:56 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Hello

This is something I started back in 2002. I only managed to write 150 A4 pages of it, which at that point was only a quarter of the first book (of the planned series) written.

I have now decided to go back and reedit it (though annoyingly I have noticed mistakes in the submission above but as a part member I cannot edit it). Not only am I going to try and clean up the grammar and improve the flow of what has been written but I have also rearranged scenes to help with the pace.

So, I am just beginning this task and I would very much appreciate any advice or comments that any of you have.

Thank you.


The Mighty Mouse at 10:07 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Even if you can't read all of it, I don't mind. Any comments on what you think of the writing in the opening paragraph or first section of chapter one will be enough. I'm particularly interested to know if it catches your attention and at how well it flows.

NMott at 13:01 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Scott, and welcome back to Write Words.
Am I right in assuming this is an Adult adventure story, or maybe a Young Adult one?
I'll be honest and say I'm not a great fan of prologues, especially ones composed of a scene taken from the body of the work. I think you've got more than enough action in chapter One to make it unnecessary.
I didn't have time to read more than about half the chapter, and came away with the feeling that I didn't know the main character (MC), nor why he was fighting the drunk, nor where the action was taking place (current day, england?). It felt more like a chapter from further into the book, after the characters had been established/introduced, and the scene set.
I think you need to work on introducing some facts into the scene: A thumb nail sketch of the MC, the location, the era - eg. some music playing in the bar could be used to set the date in the reader's mind. Perhaps you have covered some of this towards the end of the chapter, if so you need to bring it into the opening paragraphs.

Good luck with it,

NaomiM

<Added>

I note from your other post, you are working on improving the pace and to grab the readers interest as soon as possible
To interest the reader it is important to choose scenes that help develop the MC's character so the reader gets to know them and wants to come along for the ride, rather than just chosing the scene with the most conflict.
Sometimes less is more.

The Mighty Mouse at 13:46 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Thanks Naomi, I will definietly heed your advice and go back and fit in more details about where Jacob is and paint a better picture of him.

Cold dread flushed through Jacobs veins, a sensation that he felt interrupt him all too often these days. He had become suddenly aware of a gigantic, wild looking man ploughing violently through the dense Saturday night crowd in his pub, roaring like a mighty grizzly bear


Perhaps I'll change it to this:

Jacob had been enjoying a well deserved drink alone at the end of the bar in the pub that his father owned. As usual he found his rare night off snatched away as both his brother and father had disappeared leaving him to look after the swelling Saturday crowd that was cramming themselves into the popular venue that resided next to the Devonshire shores in a small grey town that had long ago seen better days.
Cold dread flushed through Jacobs veins, a sensation that he felt interrupt him all too often these days. He had become suddenly aware of a gigantic, wild looking man ploughing violently through the dense Saturday night crowd in his pub, roaring like a mighty grizzly bear



I did try and explain why Jacob was fighting the drunk with this paragraph

He was alone in his actions; everyone else in the crowded pub were looking directly to him with a expectation that he should be stopping the horrible thug from spoiling their night immediately, in fact most seemed quite annoyed that Jacob hadn’t already done so. Well it was all very good expecting this, thought Jacob, he was of course the bar manager but no one seemed in a hurry to offer any assistants


and I did try to offer a description of Jacob with

the ferocious ogre, who looked very likely to murder someone soon with his huge head crushing hands, was twice the height and width of his own rather small and weedy young body







The Mighty Mouse at 13:52 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Jacob and his friend Miller are fully introduced by the end of chapter one and the very first scene where Jacob is in the river is not from further on in the book, in fact that is cleared up by the end of the section I have posted. Thanks for your comments, they really are appreciated and I'll be using them now to go and make changes

The Mighty Mouse at 14:22 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
A change to the start:

Jacob had been enjoying a well deserved drink alone at the end of the bar in the pub that his father owned. As usual he found his rare night off snatched away as both his brother and father had disappeared leaving him to look after the swelling Saturday crowd that was cramming themselves into the popular venue that resided next to the Devonshire shores in a small grey town that had long ago seen better days.

Jacob swigged on his ice cool drink slowly while his eyes concentrated on nothing, which gave his brain plenty of room to churn over the same thoughts that he always had. Oh how Jacob hated the pub, his job, his family and his life. He should be like all the other 19 year olds on the other side of the bar, drinking the night away without a care in the world. Instead he was lumbered with a business that his father had long given up on and one that his twin brother had never confessed to having any interest in at all. By all means his brother Tony was one of those wild 19 years olds Jacob so desperately wished to be. No doubt Tony would be in another pub or club somewhere attracting the attention of some fine mini skirt wearing young girl. Whereas women flocked to Tony with his youthful good looks that were fashioned with gleaming wavy blond hair and a flawless face, finished with a button nose and deep blue eyes, Jacob his identical twin looked much older. Jacob eyes were sunken and framed by deep purple bags and the skin that masked his face was worn and grayish. Jacobs’s hair wasn’t fashionably long or bouncy, he didn’t have the time to have such a luxury of taking care of his looks, and instead he was the exact opposite to Tony. While Tony wore the best clothes of 2008, bought with money that business had made because of Jacobs efforts alone, Jacob was wearing his Dads old pin stripped, shoulder padded suits from the 1980’s. Life had killed most of the hope in young Jacob, not just the situation he had found himself in now but all of the terrible events that had lead up to him being where he was. All Jacob asked for now, pleaded for in his mind was that he could stay sat where he was, finish his drink, perhaps another and to get the night over without anymore problems.



The Mighty Mouse at 16:23 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
The story revolves around two friends who find themselves in a Land that isn't England and they have no idea how they got there. They are told pretty soon by officials that they are now in the after life but this is hard to believe as they have no memory of dying, the last they knew they were having a quiet drink and having a heart to heart in a pub garden beneath a nice sunny sky.
The place they now find themselves in has an ancient society which is finely tuned. With death no longer a barrier or a tool of war, the inhabitants have nothing to get in the way of there learning and development. To Jacob and Miller it is like looking into the future and slowly Paradise doesn't sound too bad but then matters start to go wrong quickly for everyone and they find themselves regrettably caught right in the middle.



NMott at 21:36 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
I like the new opening paragraph, and it sounds a very interesting story - With death no longer a barrier or a tool of war... -very interesting concept. :)

The prose does need work, but to get down to the nitty gritty of it I would recommend you join one of the writing groups and upload a much shorter section of the chapter for a more detailed critique. It is also helpful to get some practice reading and critiquing other people's work so you can 'get your eye in' and spot the more common writing pot holes that people tend to fall into, and then you'll spot them in your own work.


- NaomiM

The Mighty Mouse at 21:46 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
Thanks Naomi. I use to be much more vocal before when I was a full time member a few years ago (under the simpler name Scott) but I'll just have to wait till I can scrap me pennies together to become a full time member again so that I can join groups.

The Mighty Mouse at 21:50 on 13 February 2008  Report this post
The prose does need work
I would appreciate anyone who can give me examples of what I'm doing wrong here (I can't for the life of me remember my old English lessons) so that I can go and correct myself

The Mighty Mouse at 00:41 on 15 February 2008  Report this post
I've been given a lot of advice from other writers and so I have decided to compact the material to increase the pace. Please let me know what you think.

THE LAND

By Scott Lee Evans




Book One
[bHarmony's Journey

‘Oh God!’ Jacob spluttered as he came crashing through the foamy white surface of the rapid water. He called out for help as he felt panic surging through every inch of his body but his pleading screams were muted by the amount of heavy, violent waves that were hosing fat chunks of water chokingly down his throat and forcing him back under. His body flipped around roughly in the belly of the water like a feeble rag doll alone in a washing machine. He tried with all his might to straighten himself and to fight his way back up to the surface but the ruthless waves crashed and crushed him back below, denying him his chance to get his head above water for the air he felt he desperately needed. Once more he struggled upwards and yet again he felt himself tossed back beneath as if the water was effortlessly toying with him as a cat would with a small mouse. Swallowed by the river his strength was finally spent and reluctantly his eyes closed.

Chapter One
Home

Jacob had been enjoying a well deserved drink alone in the pub that belonged to his family. As usual he found his rare night off snatched away as both his brother and father had disappeared leaving him to look after the swelling Saturday crowd that was cramming themselves into the popular venue that resided next to the Devonshire shores in a small grey town that had long ago seen better days.

Jacob swigged on his ice cool drink slowly while his eyes concentrated on nothing, which gave his brain plenty of room to churn over the same thoughts that he always had. Oh how he hated the pub he thought, and his job, his family, his life! He should be like all the other 21 year olds on the other side of the bar, drinking the night away without a care in the world. Instead he was lumbered with a business that his father had long given up on and one that his twin brother had never confessed to having any interest in at all. By all means his brother Tony was one of those wild 21 years olds Jacob so desperately wished to be. No doubt his brother would be in another pub or club somewhere attracting the attention of some fine mini skirt clad lady. Whereas women flocked to Tony with his youthful good looks fashioned with gleaming wavy blond hair, a flawless face, finished with a button nose and deep blue eyes, Jacob, his identical twin, looked much older. His own eyes were sunken and framed by deep purple rings and the skin that masked his face was worn and grayish. His hair wasn’t fashionably long or bouncy, he never had the time or luxury of taking care of his looks, and so he became the exact opposite to Tony. If it wasn’t for the dying wish of his mother he would have fled long ago. Life had now killed most of the hope in him; everything that had once been so good was now so bad, his perfect life died with his mother. All Jacob asked for now, pleaded for in his mind was that he could stay sat where he was, finish his drink, perhaps another and to get the night over with without anymore problems.

Cold dread flushed through Jacobs veins, a sensation that he felt interrupt him all too often these days. He had become suddenly aware of a gigantic, wild looking man ploughing violently through the dense masses of revelers in his pub, roaring like a mighty grizzly bear.

As Jacob stood up to make his advance on the giant who was now swinging two young men about the pub by their heads, he felt a familiar skinny hand rest on his shoulder.

“Looks like another quiet night aye J” said a tall thin man no older than him, who had a wisp of a grin at the end of his thin lips

“Yeah” Jacob replied with a forced chortle “It sure does Miller”

“Well the first one to lose a tooth is a rotten egg” and with that Miller disappeared into the chaotic screaming crowd that was trying to escape the maniac in the bar.

Jacob had taken no more than two steps to follow his friend towards the trouble when he noticed the beaten body of a young man surge through the air, over the screaming crowd and land right on top of him making everything go dark.

*

Jacob slowly tried to open his eyes but they hurt too much. Tingling, he tingled all over. His body felt light and his mind was blank. He could have weighed the same as a feather but it still would have been too heavy for him to lift at that moment, his limbs were sprawled uselessly. He laid for what seemed like hours but in truth it was probably no longer than a few minutes.

After a while he tried to open his eyes again. Gradually they fluttered for a second but quickly clapped shut again beneath the heavy weight of his painful lids. He stayed still for a few minutes more. Feeling annoyed at his own feebleness the clogs in his brain slowly began turning once more, trying to figure out what had happened to him. With a deep breath and some determination Jacob opened his eyes wide. Instantly he saw an unbelievable flash of light, so bright that his eyeballs felt as though they had just burst into flames but just as quickly the sensation vanished and he felt a small spurt of soft cool wind blow gently into his frail eyes.

There was something wrong with what he was looking at. The smoky stained ceiling of the pub, which is what he had expected to see, wasn’t there. It took a few minutes for his mind to process what he was seeing. Why was he looking up at a beautiful blue sky? He eagerly willed his brain to hurry up and work.

Gradually it dawned on him that his encounter with Bert the pub wrecker had happened over a week ago but anything after that was a blur. Frustrated he fought hard to focus his thoughts. He continued to ponder hard for a lost amount of time when suddenly all of the energy zapped back into his body like lighting. He grabbed hold of his face and realized that he was okay, he was alive. Jacob could now remember being thrown violently around a raging river, where he had fully expected to die a horrible watery death. He tried to remember how he had gotten into that river but for that his memory was still blank. He tried to think a little further back but still nothing. His encounter with the river was the very last memory he had, and before that was the pub fight that ended with a person landing of his head, but what occurred in between those two events was a mystery.

Jacob stayed motionless, just staring with his eyes to the sky, just thinking. He curved his fingers and felt the ground between them slowly ripple through. His hands made soothing gestures along the floor, sand, it was sand he was sitting on and next he realized that he had a mouth full of it, causing him to quickly roll to his side and sputtered it all out.

Jacobs’s body was now beginning to register again, all his senses were coming back to him. The sounds that had been ringing in his ears began to make sense. He could hear water smacking down on the sand not far away. He also noticed something rather alarming about himself, he was completely stark naked. However, this was not the strangest thing that had occurred to him. Although he had no clothes on he was still very hot. His eyes were still fixed upon the cloudless sky but he could not see the Sun anywhere but even so his presence was casting a long shadow on the flat virgin sand next to him. And from looking at his shadow he raised his hand once more to his head to see if what it was showing was true. Jacob slipped his fingers along the top of his head and between them he felt masses of thick hair. While doing this he also felt something tickling his elbow, something that was hanging long and low off of his face. Never had he had long hair in all his life and apart from a bit on fluff on his chin he had never been able to grow a beard like that he was sporting now.

Emotions were coming back with a vengeance; suddenly panic surged through his body as fast as the water that he thought was going to kill him. What had happened to him? He wanted to stand up and cast his eyes out around but his legs wobbled and he toppled, crashing to the ground with a harsh thud. He lay still once more, completely overcome with shock. His heart bounced his body off of the floor rapidly. Sheer panic was all that he felt; in all the fights he had ever been in, never had he been as scared as this.

“Jacob!” a familiar voice boomed, sounding as frightened as he felt, “Jacob!”

Immediately Jacob tried to acknowledged his name but only murmurs rose from his own voice, nothing loud enough to be heard
“Jacob!”

With a harsh cough, which blew off the final clomp of sand resting on his tongue, Jacob bellowed back with a broken voice full of dismal desperation

“Miller! Miller I’m ere, I’m ere” he cried hoping that the sound of his voice would bring his friend nearer to wherever he was.

Unable to make anymore sounds he dropped his head to the side and pressed his ear to the ground hoping to his the footsteps of his friend coming closer. Instead he began to hear other voices that were shouting as well, other names were being called. Mayhem and anguish were caressing the sound waves. Cries of help, sobs and worst of all children screaming for lost parents were bellowing all around him. What was happening he thought? Finally something switched in his brain and he felt that his eyes were now truly opened. Beneath the beautiful blue sky everything else was blindingly white.








NMott at 15:19 on 15 February 2008  Report this post
Scott, pleeeeeesse join a group and upload a small section - say 1000 words - for a more detailed critique.
Here are just some initial thoughts on the prose from the firs few paragraphs:
Chapt.1: your 2nd sentence, 1st para, is much too long.

'Swigged' and 'slowly' are contradictory actions.

You don't need 'he thought'.

Don't introduce and describe a twin brother who isn't there. Thumbnail sketch should be about this character, not his brother.

Too much detail in the facial descriptions, just concentrate on one difference between them. (yes, I know I've just said don't mention the twin at this point in the narrative - you see how contradictoriy crits can be? However, it is a point you can carry across when describing other characters. Less is more, and trust the reader to form their own mental image of your characters).

It is easier to form a mental image of a character if you show them interacting with another character, so instead of the info. dump about him working for his father, etc, have a girl come up to be served and have them chatting. Then she can ask who he is and if he wants to join her and the 21yr olds enjoying themselves. Intersperse the info given via their dialogue with his thoughts onthe matter....


- NaomiM

The Mighty Mouse at 00:38 on 18 February 2008  Report this post
Hello

Thank you to everyone who has given me their advice, it has been listened to. Well I've rewritten it and tried to make it less confusing in the way it was structered. I hope it is better, who knows? Here it is

LEGENDS OF HEAVEN

Chapter One
Home

Jacob loosened his tie, wiped his brow and sat down on a high stool at the end of his bar, where he let his shoulders drop in an attempt to feel more comfortable. Another fight, another night of mayhem he could have done without, but he looked at the clock and gave a heavy sigh of relief at the fact that he could soon close his busy pub. Almost immediately a pretty young barmaid stood in front of him, greeting him with a smile.

“On your own again Boss?”
“Huh…yeah….gawd knows where me Dad is, probably falling off a chair again around The George about now aye” Jacob replied with some forced effort
“What about your brother, shouldn’t he be helping. I mean it’s Saturday night!”
“Tony? Huh, off down the main street I suppose, probably in The Venue by now”
“Shouldn’t he be here helping you though?”
“Yeah…should be but it’s no surprise that he isn’t though is it”
“That eye of your’s look like it’s gonna swell quite badly”
“I’m alwright, I’ve had worse happen, you know that”

The barmaid gave a pitiful shrug and finished with “You work too hard J” before she was beckoned away by some rowdy demanding customers.

Jacob was hoping she would pour him a pint of his favorite larger, so that he didn’t have to go behind the bar and run the risk on being dragged back into serving again but she was busy now and he had already waited too long for a drink tonight to wait any longer for her to come back. He reluctantly picked himself up and felt his eye with a tender touch to see if it had swollen at all. He had been rewarded this earlier in the night during one of many drunken brawls as he had tried to separate a man hitting a women, only for the woman to give him a punch in the face for his efforts.
Luckily the punters were starting to make their way out, most did around ten o’clock since they wanted to get to The Venue, the one and only club in the grey little costal town that Jacob had been living in for the last five years.
Jacob grabbed a lonely glass off of a shelve beneath the bar and began pouring his drink and as he did so his eyes lingered on a group of young people his age roaring with laughter at a table nearby. How he wished he could be like them, like most 21 year olds instead of being cooped up in his Fathers pub 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, alone and miserable. Jacob let his mind ponder these depressed thoughts for as long as it took for his glass to fill with ice cool amber liquid before he shook’em off and return to his high stool to enjoy his well deserved drink.


Cold dread flushed through Jacobs veins, a sensation that he felt interrupt him all too often these days. He had become suddenly aware of a gigantic, wild looking man ploughing violently through the revelers left in his pub.

As Jacob swung around on his stool to see what the problem was with the giant man who was now swinging two young lads about the pub by their hair, he felt a familiar skinny hand rest on his shoulder.

“Been another quiet night aye J?” said a tall thin man no older than him, who had a wisp of a grin at the end of his thin lips

“Yeah” Jacob replied with a forced chortle “As always Miller”

“Well the first one to lose a tooth is a rotten egg” and with a laugh Miller disappeared into the chaotic screaming crowd that was trying to escape the maniac in the bar.

Jacob took one last swig of his drink, wished that he could get away from this hell hole and got up to follow his friend. He had taken no more than two steps towards the trouble when he noticed the beaten body of a young man surge through the air, over the screaming crowd and land right on top of him making everything go black.

*



“And that’s the last thing you can remember?” Miller quizzed frantically
“Errr yeah…One minute me and you were in the pub, about to sort out that nutter when that bloke was thrown at me. Next thing I know I’m waking up on a beach, in agony, hearing you shouting me name” Jacob said in a daze “What about you?”
“Well that’s a week earlier than what I remember. Yeah you got landed on by that bloke but you got up pretty much straight away. It took a load of us but we got Bert out of the pub”
“Bert?”
“Yeah that was his name”
“Oh right…well go on”
“So yeah, we got him out of the pub and the same ol’thing, we all sat on him until the police got there and then you went in and packed your case”
“What for?”
“You said you’d finally had enough. You said you only stuck around cos it was what you thought your Mom would of wanted but then you were sure that she wouldn’t of wanted to see you getting beat up every night while your Dad was off getting pissed and Tony doing the same”
“That sounds about right” Jacob interrupted in agreement
“And you came back to mine and stopped with me and Patsy for about a week before you decided you were going home”
“What…back to the city?”
“Yeah. I tried to talk you out of it but you were having none of it…Can’t you remember any of that”
“None…so then what?”
“Well then I agreed to drive you to your Aunts. One minute we’re in the car and the next thing I know we are here. I wake up just down the beach there, me nogging killing me and I finally see you, out cold, looking like your about to drown cos the waves were getting nearer and nearer to your head”

Jacob stood in amazement; so many emotions were hitting him hard right now. He felt hysterically scared because he had no idea where he was and utterly mystified to how he had even arrived there. Both Miller and he stopped talking once more to look. For as far as the eye could see behind them was an endless white sandy beach besides a beautiful calm turquoise sea. In front of them, just as vast and not a mile away was a mountain range that was the length of the seeable horizon and just as high. This may have been enough to keep them astounded for life as the sight of these unknown mountains were breath taking but there was something else that was stranger still. Every now and again both Jacob and Miller managed to drag their glazes away from the surround scenery to cast each other a look of befuddled scrutiny. Both of them now had hair down to their waist and each was completely naked but their modesty well hidden by their low hanging beards. Never in Jacobs life was his hair as long as it were at this moment and apart from a bit on fluff on his chin he had never been able to grow a beard like that he was sporting now.

“You know what J” Miller asked while still staring at everything around him before looking seriously into Jacobs wide eyes
“What?” Jacob asked and for some reason he dreaded what Miller was going to say next, as if he had just remembered how they had gotten here and from the tone of his voice it was something terrible. “What MILLER?!”
“We’re definitely gonna miss the match tomorrow”

Jacob let out a loud groan as he couldn’t believe his friend could think of such a thing right now

“Wherever we are” Miller continued “We’re nowhere near home”
“You don’t say” Jacob retorted
“And I bet Patsy is going up the wall right now. God knows how long we’ve been gone. I bet she thinks I’ve run off with someone. You know what she’s like; she’ll be throwing out my games and clothes as we speak probably. She never trusts me”
“And do you blame her” Jacob shouted, still angrily amazed that out of everything that they could be discussing Miller was moaning about football and his girlfriends temper. “You were the one that slept with her Nan, of course she don’t trust ya!”
“Ay ay ay mate. Hang on…we agreed not to use the ‘N’ word!!! You make her sound like an old woman”
“Well she does need a walking stick” Jacob snapped
“You know that’s because of her knee op! Jill is a very young woman, she had a kid young who also had a kid young and…..”
“MILLER WON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP!”

The pair fell silent briefly and dread began to make Jacobs insides bubble

“Sorry” Miller said quietly “I’m just…I dunno…It’s juts…well…Jacob I don’t know what I’m saying…I dunno where we are…am I going mad…what?”

Jacob looked at his friend and through Millers heavy curls and brushy beard he saw he was as frightened as he was and he felt his temper cool.

“Look Mill, we just gotta find out where we are and then figure out how to get home”

“Sorry lads, but you’re here for the duration” a firm voice boomed behind them

“JESUS!” Miller shouted as both he and Jacob jumped with fright

“Nay, he’s down at Entry bay CB90” said the man who stood before Jacob and Miller. He was smartly dressed in white linen trousers and wearing a shirt and jacket made of similar material; on his feet he wore long knee high brown boots. It wasn’t a fashion that either of the pair was familiar with but something about him looked like he was wearing a work uniform. The man casually leaned in towards the two and with a hushed whispered said “Between you and me…he ain’t anything special…in fact they’ve only put him out here to keep him out of the way”

Once more the pair stood in shock before Jacob, before Miller, took hold of his senses

“Where’s here” Jacob demanded “Who are you?”

Jacobs voice must have stirred Miller because almost immediately after he was shouting too but more desperately

“Who are you man, what have you done with us…where the hell are we!” Miller screamed and eventually his anguish and terror took hold of him and his lunged towards the man in white and shook him hard

“It is of no interest to you who I am but you need to go over there he will explain” The man said calmly and unworried of the fact that Miller was shaking him so aggressively.

Quickly Jacob and Miller turned around. The beach was now full of thousands of people just like them, naked but covered by their long human hair and panic was exploding everywhere. People were screaming, women were crying and children were calling for their parents. To Jacob the image of a paradise beach had just turned into an image of horror.

“Do not be afraid” The man who Miller was still shaking violently continued “I know it is difficult, you are scared, you do not know what is happening to you but please go to that man over there, his name is Amicus and he will explain everything”

Miller, who at this point was holding the man up in the air, his feet a clear foot off of the ground, let go of him and the man fell to the ground with a harsh thud, though he still seemed unconcerned. Miller looked to Jacob who stared back, each hoping the other would suggest what they should do next. Miller recommended first

“Feck this…RUN AWAY” and with that Jacob watched as his tall naked skinny friend ran in the opposite direction of the man called Amicus.

Jacob continued to watch his friend get smaller and smaller in the distant and with an stunned expression he turned back to the man stood beside him who didn’t look at all surprised with Millers actions.

“You seem a bit more sensible” the man said to Jacob “If you just go over…” But before the man could finish his sentence Jacob too had turned around and sprinted off after Miller.


The Mighty Mouse at 00:35 on 24 February 2008  Report this post
MILLER&JACOB
ADVENTURE OF THE BEYOND

Chapter One
The Introductions


‘Oh God!’ Jacob gasped as he came crashing through the surface of a ferocious sea. Where was he, how had he gotten here? The answers he was so frantically searching for were forced to the back of his mind as he struggled to keep his head above the water. He cried out for help as he felt panic surging through every inch of his young body but his screams were muted by the violent waves that were forcing him back under. Jacobs body was tossed through the water as he struggled to get to the surface but the ruthless waves pushed him under again and again, denying him the air he felt he desperately needed. Once more he struggled upwards but again he was forced back, swallowed by the ocean. All felt hopeless, his strength was spent and he felt his eyes reluctantly close.

*

Jacob slowly tried to open his eyes but they hurt too much. Though he was young and his body small, he felt it was heavy, too heavy to lift; his limbs were sprawled uselessly. He laid for what seemed like hours. After a while he tried to open his eyes again but his eyelids where too heavy. He had no strength. Still he couldn't move. His brain began turning, trying to figure out what had happened to him and where he was.

With a deep breath and some determination Jacob opened his eyes wide. The light was so bright it felt as if his eyes were on fire but gradually the sensation eased, helped by the soft cool breeze that now blew against his upturned face. Jacob stared at the beautiful blue sky with amazement. The sky shouldn’t be what there; he should be looking at the ceiling of his father’s pub if he was lying on his back. He impatiently willed his brain to work. Slowly Jacob remembered glimpses of being thrown violently under water, where he had fully expected to die. He tried to remember how he had gotten into the water but his memory was still blank. The last memory he had before he found himself in the sea was getting accidentally punched in his Dads pub, when he had snuck downstairs to get some pop for him and his brother Miller, only to step into the middle of a bar fight.

Jacob stayed motionless, staring at the sky, just thinking. Steadily Jacob became more aware of his body and he curved his fingers to feel the ground between them, which slowly ripple through. His hands made soothing gestures along the floor. He was on soft sand. Jacobs’s body was now beginning to fully register again, all his senses were coming back to him, and the sounds he could hear began to make sense. His eyes still fixed upon the cloudless sky he couldn’t see a sun anywhere but even so he presence was casting a long shadow on the flat sand next to him. The strangeness of this lingered in his thoughts briefly before more important matters came racing to the front. Emotions surged through him. What had happened to him? Where was he? Was he in danger? Where was his family, he wanted his Dad to look after him and his brother…where was Miller?! He wanted to stand up and look around but as he attempted to do so his legs buckled under his weight and he fell hard back to the ground. Sheer panic was all that Jacob could feel. He felt on the verge of tears he was so frightened but he held these back, even now when he was lost alone as he dare not show any weakness his father would have frowned up.

‘Jacob!’ a familiar high voice screeched, sounding as frightened as he felt, ‘Jacob!’
Immediately Jacob tried to acknowledge his name but his voice was weak.

‘Jacob!’


And with a whisper that grew into a desperate roar Jacob called out to his brother
‘Miller! Miller I’m ere, I’m ere’

Suddenly Jacob felt himself being shaken frantically.

‘Jacob are you okay? Jacob, JACOB! Please’ Miller begged hoarsely as he voice broke with anguish ‘Please J, look at me’

‘Miller’ Jacob whispered to his brother who quickly leant his ear closer to hear his brother. ‘Stop being a baby’ he continued with a forced smile. Miller dropped him back onto the ground but not in anger. He had a huge grin of relief on his face for he knew his twin brother was fine.


*


Miller and Jacob stood surveying their surroundings in astonishment. Jacob felt petrified because he had no idea where they were and he was completely, utterly mystified to how they had even arrived there. Millers’ emotions were quite the opposite. Like his twin he was anxious about whether they were in any danger but he was relishing the mystery of the situation and the strangeness of it all, he felt like he had landed in the middle of one of his beloved sci-fi adventure movies. To him, something amazing was happening and these thoughts were fuelled by what they both saw around them.

The brothers had quickly stopped talking to each other once they had realized that neither had the faintest idea where they were. And so they stood in silence just taking in the unbelievable sight that their eyes were showing them

The first thing they both realised immediately was that wherever they were it sure wasn’t England, it was a tropical, gorgeous place. They were on a beautiful long white beach that stretched a never-ending distance both forwards and behind of them besides a great, vast river. The water next to them was no further than a few feet away and was the clearest you could ever imagine seeing, any more transparent and you would fail to notice it at all, and it was breath taking. Just glancing around took away all the worries in Millers mind, nothing bad could happen in such a beautiful place, he surely thought. In the far distant, they heard the sound of crashing water, it came from a waterfall which looked miles and miles away but still Jacob and Miller could see the monstrously size of it. Perhaps, Jacob thought, that is where I was earlier when I almost drowned. Though the sight of it still did not inspire any ideas to how he could have gotten there.

On the other side of the river, far, far away, Jacob observed a gigantic wall of red rock that stretched as eternally as the beach they stood on. On top of it sat what looked like a rain forest, where light was bouncing off every lush tree, causing a dazzling display of sparkling illuminations. The trees towered higher than any building Jacob had ever seen, there were many different types clustered together but they were all as big, if not much bigger than sky scrappers. Even on television, Jacob had never seen trees like these. They were enormous; he felt he could not bend his head back far enough to see the tops of them. How amazing. Just as he felt he was finally going to fall backwards by looking up his eyes saw a huge shadow fly over the treetops. A strange giant bird had appeared, which must have been bigger than his school bus he thought, so what could it have been?

While Jacob was examining the wonders across the river, Miller was stood gob smacked by what he was studying in the opposite direction. Just less than a mile away across the sandy white beach rose thousands and thousands of mountains. Unlike dark vicious mountains of jagged rocks you would see in an intimidating scary movie, these mountains were awe striking, they looked almost as transparent as the water they stood besides and they all seemed to soar higher than the sky itself. Light passed through the bodies of the mountains, making each sparkle like giant diamonds that had been thrust from the heart of the Earth.

No longer did Miller feel panic or an urged to escape home, he felt content in their arrival to Eden, what a wondrous place to be he felt and his desire to find an escape vanished. Jacobs did not




“Something is really weird here” Jacob said, breaking the silence
“Yeah I know, I’ve never seen anything like that on the tele” Miller answered, pointing to the sheering mountain in front of them
“No I meant something else”
“What can be weirder than this?”
“Well, Just come here won’t ya”
“Why what’s wrong with us?”
“Just come stand next to me and I’ll show you”

Miller gave Jacob a puzzled look but he pulled his sunken feet out of the soft white sand and stood shoulder to shoulder with his twin. Miller looked up to Jacob to see what he would say next

“Don’t you think that’s weird” Jacob asked
“What?”
“I’m having to look down at your face…I’m taller than you and we’re suppose to be identical”

Miller pondered this quickly and answered “It’s probably the ground that is uneven”
“Could be but look at this” and Jacob lifted up his brothers arm and held them out

The brothers stood apart to scrutinize each other more thoroughly. They both still had the short brown hair that spiked up at the front and flipped out on the back and sides. They both still had a small cluster of freckles over the bridge of their bumpy button nose and they both still had hazel eyes but they both could see the difference immediately now that they were looking more closely.
Jacob was about half a foot taller than Miller. He noticed his brother face was rounder and chubbier while Miller saw that Jacobs face was longer and thin. Jacob recognized that Millers eyes were bright and excited, and Miller felt that Jacobs’s eyes no longer sparkled with mischief. The clothes they wore were not the same but nothing unusual. Jacob had on a pair of baggy blue jeans, white trainers and a t-shirt with a name of a band that Miller had never heard of. Miller too wore similar jeans and pumps but Jacob noticed he was wearing an old t-shirt, though it now looked brand new, which had an image of a superhero from a movie they both use to love called Captain Flabbatastic.

Jacob sat quickly on the floor and stared ahead, it was all too much to take, he felt like his brain was going to explode. What was happening to them? Miller stood over his brother with a hand rubbing his chin, which was nodding slightly.

“We’ve been kidnapped” he suddenly announced. Jacob looked up quickly, eager to hear any sort of explanation or idea to what was happening to them.
“By who? Terrorists?” Jacob asked
“Aliens”
“WHAT!” Jacob shouted. What was his brother thinking?
“Aliens, it makes sense. Look at those mountains; I’ve never seen anything like that in geography”
“You’ve never been in geography!!! You’re always bunking off lesson to play pool down the café”
“Yeah well, I’d av seen something like it on the tele…have you seen anything like it?” Miller demanded
“No” Jacob said “but…”
“But nothing. Look at those trees. One of’em look taller than the Empire State building”
“You’ve never seen the Empire State building”
“I saw it on King Kong”
“Arghhh! Movies again” Jacob howled as he threw himself flat on his back. His brother was not helping at all and his attitude was getting weirder, he hadn’t know Miller to act like this for some time now, not since the accident. “Your talking stupid Miller! Shut up and say something when you’ve got something useful to say won’t ya”

They both fell silent, though Miller wasn’t going to let Jacobs’s grumpiness sour the fantastic idea that they could be on an alien world. Jacob sat quietly, his brain aching for answers. Every now and again he would give his mind a quick rest and look at his brother. As well as Miller looking slightly younger than him, he was acting weirdly too. When Jacob had last seen Miller in their room above the pub he looked no different than him, other than the scar he had on his chest from the operation he had after a car crash a year ago. But there was something more unusual about his twin now other than his unexplainable appearance. Miller looked happy, bright; full of amazement of where they were but these were not things he would have expected from his brother because since the crash and what happened to their mother in it, he had been moody, miserable and reclusive. There was a joy in Jacob’s heart that he had his old brother back, his fun loving, adventure seeking twin but he just didn’t understand it, but then he supposed that he didn’t understand much of anything that was happening now.

Jacob started to imagine all of the different things that might have happened to them and Millers idea of aliens was maddeningly pushing to the front more and more but this just made Jacob angry with himself. How stupid, there were no such things as aliens, stuff like that don’t happen to people in real life, especially not to him and Miller, only bad things seem to happen to them and this felt like a bad thing.

Jacob tried to continue his thoughts but once more he was interrupted by his brother

“Well you know what the up side is J” said Miller
“Not really, what?” Jacob said in a low tired voice, bracing himself for more of his brother’s recovered immaturity
“It doesn’t look like we’ll have to start at the new school next week” Miller laughed “but, we’re gonna miss the World Cup”

Millers smile crumbled a little after realizing he could miss seeing England play if he didn’t find a way home quick enough but this comments had totally baffled Jacob

“Are you okay Mill?”
“Yeah why…we’re only been kidnapped by aliens and taken to their home planet” answered Miller as he eyed the mountains that loomed before them

Jacob ignored Millers last sentence, that was nonsense he still thought, but he concentrated on what his brother had said before

“Why did you just say that about school?”
“What do you mean?” Miller asked
“You just said we won’t have to start the new school. What school are you talking about?”
“Campion, why?” Miller asked again, now looking at his brother with the same puzzled expression that Jacob was giving him

Jacob felt a new dread stab at his stomach. Had Miller banged his head when they were in the rough sea? They had started their new secondary school in the South West over a year ago but his twin was talking as if they were about to start next week.

Just as Jacob was about to explain all this to Miller he saw his brothers new found happiness drain from his face, he was looking at something behind him

“Jesus” Jacob shouted with fright as he spun around to see what Miller was looking at.

“Nay, he’s down at Entry bay triple X 90” said a man who was stood before the two twins. He was smartly dressed in white linen trousers and wearing a shirt and jacket made of similar material; on his feet he wore long knee high brown leather boots. Although the style was unfamiliar it looked like a uniform. The man casually leant in towards the two and with a hushed voice said “Between you and me…he ain’t anything special…in fact they’ve only given him this job to keep him out of the way”

The pair stood in shock but suddenly, before Jacob was even fully aware of what he was doing himself, he had run forward and grabbed hold of the man in a fury.

“Where’s are we? What do you want with us” Jacob demanded “Who are you?”

Unconcerned the man simply replied “It is of no interest to you who I am but you need to go over there; he will explain”

Jacob and Miller turned around. The beach was now full of thousands of other people who looked as dazed and lost as them. People were screaming, women were crying and children were calling for their parents. The calm, serene beach had turned into a scene of utter panic.

“Do not be afraid” said the man. “I know it is difficult. You are scared. You do not know what is happening to you but please go to that official over there, his name is Amicus and he will explain everything”

Miller looked to Jacob who stared back, each hoping the other would suggest what they should do next. Miller recommended first

“RUN AWAY” and with that Jacob watched as his shorter twin brother ran off in the opposite direction of the huge crowd of people on the beach.

Jacob continued to watch as his twin got smaller and smaller in the distance and with a stunned expression he turned back to the man stood beside him.

“That boy is being foolish, though it looks like you have more sense” the man said to Jacob “If you just go over…” But before the man could finish his sentence Jacob too had turned and sprinted off after Miller.

Miller and Jacob were running as fast as their legs would carry them, though Jacob now being taller quickly caught up with his brother. They felt crazed with desperation to run away from the man who they thought must have taken them to where they now were. It no longer felt like an adventure to Miller, he now felt as afraid of what could happen to them as Jacob had been all along.

The brothers escape had not gone unnoticed, it fact it had been very much detected by everyone else on the beach and suddenly mass panic erupted. Nobody knew why the boys were running but as lost as everyone were, as uniformed of their situation as the twins the masses of strangers on the beach took heed the pairs example and decided the best action was to run away and soon Miller and Jacob found thousands of people stampeding behind them. The huge crowd were following them, though the brothers thought they were being chased and ran even faster.





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