Agoraphobia
Posted: 12 February 2008 Word Count: 214 Summary: Week 189 challenge
|
Font Size
|
|
Shelly is trapped. The door behind her rarely open. Though her prison is comfortable, she yearns to venture further. Looking through a double glazed window which is permanently locked, she longs to join four women chatting on the pavement, below her.
Shelly knows the carnival procession is due. In her mind's eye, she can see locals in fancy dress posing on floats decked with colours. On leaving Plovers Field, the procession will weave its way through town cheered on by a crowd of enthusiastic onlookers.
She can see painted faces. Imagines pop music blasting from speakers. And as she recalls past Carnival Days, she notices, below her, one woman tug the arm of another. And they're off in a flurry, all four dashing down to the bottom of the street to join a throng of eager spectators.
Now Shelly visualises the procession's progress along the two mile route until it reaches the grounds of the Rugby Club. There, she remembers, the clamour of brass bands, the smell of Hot Dogs and waves of people surging towards her.
And as she remembers, a familiar terror strikes; a terror that has kept her indoors for over a decade. Doubling up, gasping, she falls down onto her knees while her heart thumps its threat deep inside her.
Comments by other Members
| |
Elbowsnitch at 17:05 on 12 February 2008
Report this post
|
Jennifer, this is very powerful. The stifling self-imposed prison behind the double-glazed window, contrasting with all the colour and movement and life outside. And what a socker of a last paragraph.
I like the name Plovers Field and other vivid details such as the smell of hot dogs.
Great response to the prompt! With both Carnival Days and the pivotal significance of open/close.
Frances
| |
|
V`yonne at 22:45 on 12 February 2008
Report this post
|
Over a decade! Yikes, that's scary, Loved the same bits Frances did. Not sure about puntuation here:
She can see painted faces. Imagines pop music blasting from speakers. And as she recalls past Carnival Days, she notices |
|
Maybe
She can see painted faces - imagine pop music blasting form speakers and it recalls past carnivals. She notices....
and I'd be inclined to leave out and hit us with the terror stick immediately.
That is a condition that scares me. I could so easily slip towards that, being reclusive by inclination.
|
|
| |
tiger_bright at 06:23 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Great flash, Jennifer, full of sights and sounds and smells. Like Oonah, I'd remove "And as she remembers" because it will make a chilly ending all the more chilling. I really believed in her yearning, and her terror.
Tiger
| |
Jordan789 at 06:39 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Howdy.
I liked this, although I felt it is destined to be a longer piece. What is her ailment? When will she get out of there? I'd like to know!
I wonder what you think about slashing the first paragraph, starting with #2, and weaving in the details through the rest. Lately I've read a lot about starting with the scene at hand, and not inside the character's head, which is what I think happens with this start. I think you can rewrite it to capture the scene, the way you did very well throughout the rest of the story. There are parts, also, where you dip into "telling over showing", or authorial intrusion.
All just ideas for you to regard as you will.
Jordan
| |
tusker at 07:14 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Thanks Oonah, I can see what you mean. You're like me, a bit of a reclusive. I did suffer agoraphobia for 3 years a while ago. It still strikes when least expected but through the help of hubby and kids, I fought it and keep fighting it. But those awful feelings.
Jennifer
| |
tusker at 07:15 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Hi Tiger,
You're all pointing out the mistake which I will rectify. Thanks.
Jennifer
| |
tusker at 07:18 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Hi Jordan,
Her ailment is in the title. Virtually, the suffer is a self-imposed prisoner. The terror is so very physical, it's overpowering.
Jennifer
| |
Forbes at 09:07 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Hi Jennifer
very powerful. it gives a real sense of the condition.
I disagree re the phrase
And as she remembers, a familiar terror strikes; |
|
it seems to me you are trying to express the whole process. this terror srikes - as she remembers past events. So maybe it is not an instant of terror - more a gradual unfolding of the process, which builds and peaks - no?
Well anyway...
TFR
Avis
<Added>
perhaps the dichotomy lies in the word strikes? perhaps you could use "wells up" instead - it suggests a longer process than strikes, which is quick. Just a thought.
| |
tusker at 09:39 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Hi Avis, I agree, 'wells up' is right. Sometimes, the world blacks out. Yes, you've got it,I was trying to say that her memories were so vivid, it was as if she was there, outside amonst the throng. Thanks.
Jennifer
| |
ireneintheworld at 14:03 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
this is great jennifer, you've caught the atmosphere and pain in a tiny space. i agree with jordan that you could lose the first para because it's really just an intro; you expand by showing so make the first para redundant. wonderful flash.
irene x
| |
Forbes at 14:35 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
You're very welcome Jennifer I think it a wonderful piece - GET IT SENT OUT!!
Avis
<Added>
Just re-read the 1st para - agree somewhat - very helpfully!! If there's a trigger word or phrase in 1st para for you, why not take it out and put it in the second & start with that. It does make it stronger, starting there.
| |
tusker at 16:00 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Thanks Irene, Yes, I'll cut first paragraph out.
Jennifer
| |
tusker at 16:01 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Thanks for your help, Avis. Will find somewhere to send it.
Jennifer
| |
rosiedlm at 22:00 on 13 February 2008
Report this post
|
Hi Jennifer,
Great flash. I really sensed her longing to go back out into the real world and the last paragraph was excellent; the memory of the awful thing that happened slapping her right back to her reality.
Lovely,
Rosie
| |
|
Cholero at 23:59 on 14 February 2008
Report this post
|
Jennifer
her heart thumps its threat deep inside her. |
| -killer last line.
I like the contrast of movement and colour outside against the stillness and lack of detail inside. Also Carnival representing life and the living and (literally) the flesh, against her non-life.
The yearning and the fear, really nicely conveyed.
<Added>
Pete (!)
| |
|
titania177 at 14:44 on 15 February 2008
Report this post
|
Jennifer, a very powerful piece, she is both yearning to be outside and terrified of it. I really like the vivid memories, the names, the little touches. Poor woman.
Nit: "the door behind her rarely open" - should it be "opens"?
Thanks, a great read.
Tania
|
|
| |
tusker at 18:51 on 15 February 2008
Report this post
|
Thanks Tania. OOps, didn't see the opens! Thanks too for telling me.
Jennifer
| |
|
|
choille at 11:46 on 16 February 2008
Report this post
|
Very powerful Jennifer.
All the colours, sounds & smells out there.
Trapped by terror, agrophobic by post traumatic stress.
It's wonderfully done - very vivid.
Her terror comes across excellently - her trapped inside remembering gives the reader an insight into her inner torment - almost claustophobic[sp?]And leaves one wondering what horror happened in Plover's Field - so quite haunting.
Thanks for the read.
Caroline.
| |
| |