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The Shopping Trip

by tusker 

Posted: 10 February 2008
Word Count: 1244


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Carl waited, his back resting against a bill board and, as he waited, he looked down to where feet passed him by. Then he heard the light clip clop of footsteps and saw a pair of black patent boots going by.

Looking up, he saw the young woman heading for an estate agent's a few doors down. 'Fancy her do you?' Caught off guard, he met the dark, suspicious eyes of his wife. 'She's a tart,' Evelyn said in a hard edged voice, shoving her shopping bag at his chest.

Carl stepped to his car parked in a space for disabled drivers and threw the bag onto the back seat. Getting in, waiting for the passenger door to open and Evelyn's Rhino backside to descend onto the sagging seat beside him, he adjusted the invalid sticker his wife had lied through her teeth to obtain.

Slamming her door shut, she sat arms crossed over a well padded chest as Carl pulled away from the kerb and as he did so, he saw the young woman coming out of the estate agents accompanied by a tall, dark haired male companion.

As the couple got into a silver Mercedes, Evelyn said, 'I bet she's his bit on the side.'

Wordlessly, Carl slowed down letting an old man cross the road and the Mercedes, overtaking, had to swerve around the elderly pedestrian.

'Selfish bastard!' Evelyn declared with exaggerated indignation. 'Fancy car. No manners,' she added but Carl noticed that his wife hadn't spared a glance at the elderly gentleman bent over his walking stick.

A few minutes later, his wife waved to their next door neighbour waiting at the bus stop. Her smile was sweet, despite her remark, 'Don't know why Mrs. Redkin doesn't buy herself a car.'

'Perhaps we should offer Mrs. Redkin a lift?' Carl suggested, his gaze catching the glint of a silver key ring in his ignition, a reminder of the thank you gift their widowed neighbout had given him in return for his help after she'd locked herself out of her home.

At the time, concerned about his wife's reaction to the gift he refused but Mrs. Redkin insisted, saying her late husband Don had won it at a local darts championship just before he died. 'Found it on the road,' he'd lied to his sharp-eyed wife when he'd picked her up from her job at the meat packing factory. Fortunately, Evelyn accepted his mild untruth.

'The way that woman spends her money,' Evelyn broke into his thoughts. 'You'd think she could afford a taxi for goodness sake.'

'Last summer,' Carl reminded his wife. 'When you went into hospital to have your hernia done, Mrs. Redkin sent you flowers, chocolates and a Get Well card.' Omitting to add that his kind neighbour had cooked him a hearty meal every evening while Evelyn was away.

Soon they were travelling along the A48 and rounding a bend, Evelyn let out a shout, jabbing her stubby finger in the direction of a parked silver Mercedes belching out smoke. The young woman they'd seen earlier, stood on a stretch of grass while her companion paced up and down yelling into his mobile phone.

Slamming on his brakes, seeing flames licking out from under the bonnet, Evelyn screamed, 'Damn you! as she yo-yoed back and forth. Now Carl was undecisive. The initial urge to help diminished. 'Don't play the hero, Carl,' his wife warned as he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

'What if it was you?' he asked.

Evelyn gave him a withering look and Carl, opening the car door, got out.'Come back here! he heard his wife screech but a surge of adrenalin had him sprinting towards the young woman looking very distresed.

As he approached, her companion shouted, 'My beautiful car! It's brand new!'

'Have you called the fire brigade?' Carl panted out his question in return.

'Of course I have, you idiot!' came the reply.

'My briefcase is in the car,' the young woman said, wringing her hands.

'Damn your briefcase!' her companion retorted.

And without thinking, Carl ran towards the Mercedes and wrenching the passenger door open, grabbed hold of the briefcase and racing back, gave it to the young woman.

Then, in the near distance, the sounds of sirens reached them and as they let out a unified sigh of relief, the Mercedes burst into flames.

Carl offered the young woman a lift. 'I'd better stay with my husband,' she said with an expression of soulful resignation; an expression Carl recognised.

'Good luck,' he called over his shoulder trudging back to his own car and getting inside, received a tirade of outrage from his wife and, when it came to an end, Evelyn muttered, 'Serves her right for stealing another woman's husband.'

'Actually,' Carl told her with a small degree of satisfaction. 'He's her husband.'

Huffing, Evelyn turned on the radio. And, glad that his wife was silent, Carl remembered when they first met. Recalled how pretty she'd looked. Glancing sideways, noting the deep line of discontent etched around her mouth, he wondered where that other person he'd married twenty odd years ago had gone.

As he thought those thoughts, the bus overtook them and sitting in the back, Mrs. Redkin, looking down, gave them a cheery wave. 'That bus will be taking her all around Bluff's Estate before she gets home,' Evelyn remarked.

Carl didn't respond and five minutes later,turning sharp left, they drove into the street where they'd bought their first and only home.

Pulling up outside their semi detached, he got out and opening the passenger door helped Evelyn shift her bulk out onto the pavement.

'Bring the shopping bag,' she said, waddling up the drive and obeying, he followed his wife to the front door.

Evelyn stuck out her hand. 'Key,' she demanded and Carl's fumbling inside his jacket pocket made his arthritic thumb twinge like toothache.

'Hurry up!' Evelyn said when he got hold of the key and tried to insert it into the lock. 'Oh, give it to me!' she shouted, grabbing hold of the keyring, wrenching his
swollen thumb back on itself.

Carl cried out in pain and Evelyn, telling him to shut up, swung her body around and as she did so, tottered like a huge ball and tumbled forward, crashing through the stained glass panels.

'Evelyn!' Carl cried out, bending over his prostrate wife lying among colourful shards of glass.

Silence fell. A bus pulled up, its brakes whooshing, automatic doors opening with a swish. Carl tried to move Evelyn. 'What's happened?' a quiet voice asked.

Panicked, Carl turned and met the calm, brown eyed gaze of Mrs. Redkin. 'Evelyn's fallen through the door,' he told her in a breathy whisper.

'Let me help.' Dropping her carrier bags onto the ground she jumped over a short, privet hedge dividing their properties. 'You take hold of her left arm,' she instructed. 'When I count to three, we'll turn her over.' And Carl gripping hold of his wife's upper arm, waited for the signal.

'One. Two. Three.' With effort they managed to heave Evelyn onto her back and Carl, straightening, stared down in horror at the silver dart protruding from his wife's neck.'Evelyn,' he bent over her and heard a horrible gurgling from her throat.

Mrs. Redkin, taking hold of his hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and in silence, they watched the last drop of Evelyn's blood pump out from her body.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 16:35 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Well, Jennifer she certainly was an unpleasant wife!

I want you to go back to your original and highlight in some colour the number of times you have used a word that ends ING. I caught so many they seed intrusive.

Lines here?
'Hurry up!' Evelyn said when he got hold of the key and tried to insert it into the lock. 'Oh, give it to me!' she shouted, grabbing hold of the keyring, wrenching his
swollen thumb back on itself.
and I spotted a typo but I can't find it again now. It wasa t at the end of a word though.

Nella at 17:06 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Extremely unpleasant! Fat and unhappy - maybe she comes across just a little bit too strong.
But Jennifer, I'm afraid I don't get it. Where did the dart come from? I could imagine her having a vein severed by the glass, but the dart? That came as a real surprise! What a horrible death....

Just a couple of typos:
neighbout
distresed.


Cheers,
Robin

Drama Queen at 17:34 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
I think this needs a twist at the end. The ghastly wife seems to have died accidentally...but supposing she was merely injured and the husband finished her off before the neighbour arrived. I agree that the dart of glass, and I think you mean shard, in her neck doesn't work.She would have been lying in an enormous pool of blood almost instantly if she had severed the jugular and that isn't mentioned until she is turned on her back.
I thought the clip clop of heels at the beginning sounded like a horse and very unfeminine. Maybe tip tap?
With a few tweaks, this has promise.

Buzzard at 18:51 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Hi, Jennifer.
As a vignette, I think this works. I couldn't bear it being any longer, Evelyn is that unpleasant!

Like the others, though, I'm afraid I'm not sure about the dart. I have a suspicion that given her husband's talent with the arrows, Mrs Redkin threw it from the bus, but the ending does rush up on us in something of a blur, and I'm not sure I find that altogether credible if it is what happened. Ostensibly, such a lovely lady; but then commiting such a nasty act - far worse than anything Evelyn herself has done!

Also, if it is what happened, the Mercedes strand seems like a bit of a red herring. Maybe that's the function you wanted it to serve, but while it's certainly dramatic and offers still another example of Evelyn's misanthropy, I've got to admit I'm more interested in Mrs Redkin.

Carl too. I didn't quite get him. He's a mass of contradictions: thoroughly decent - heroic even - yet hen-pecked,too. I don't think they're necessarily incompatible qualities; I just wanted to know more about how they all sat with him.

In summary, I guess I feel that there is a hell of a lot going on here in terms of action - and it is all good gripping stuff - but to really believe in it, I need to understand a little more about the characters involved. Or I need to recognise them. Evelyn could be less OTT, Carl more one thing than an other, and Mrs Redkin . . . I don't know: does she mean to commit murder with a dart? And what should my response to that be? I want to laugh, but I'm not entirely confident that you want me to.

Bloody hell. Hope that makes some sort of sense. It's all I can do to get my head around my new computer at the moment!




V`yonne at 19:27 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
I agree that the ending is unclear too. We need a bit more from the characters to make this work.

tusker at 19:34 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Hi all, I know what you mean. The silver dart was on the key ring Mrs. Redkin gave Carl that killed Evelyn. Yes, I suppose I went over the top with the wife. I've a sister-in-law very much like Evelyn in size and manner. Maybe my dislike of her coloured the events in my story. Maybe I'd should get a silver dart? Only kidding, folks. But thanks, Oonah, for pointing out my many 'ings'. I've a habit of inging. Thanks too to Robin who casts a trusty eye over all our work and Clay, the man, who always makes sure he's explained it all with good effect. And Suzanne for the clip clops. Makes me laugh now when I've read it back.

Regards,
jennifer

Becca at 20:26 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,
a nasty wee story indeed! the silver keyring was the gift Mrs. Redkin gave him, then. That isn't completely clear in the para about it. 'Perhaps we should offer Mrs. Redkin a lift?' Carl suggested, his gaze catching the glint of a silver key ring in his ignition, a reminder of the thank you gift their widowed neighbout had given him in return for his help after she'd locked herself out of her home.'
It has to be 'the' silver keyring rather than 'a', because it's completely significant in the story, and I wasn't sure, because of how you've written it, that the keyring itself was the gift because you call it a 'reminder' of the gift.

There are places in the story where the commas aren't in the right places from time to time.
I wasn't sure if it was the young woman looking distressed, or Carl.

This is really a story about Carl living with a wife who has become hideous. I like the way it ends with the thought that a new life might be opening up to him, but yet I didn't feel fully involved, it seemed that the story skimmed the surface a bit. It's not a long story so I felt you could go into more detail - just little moments, maybe have Carl slightly less repressed to get a bit more tension in it between him and his wife, and so then when she dies at the end, it has more potency. Does that make sense to you?
Becca.


Becca at 20:39 on 10 February 2008  Report this post
Hi again Jennifer,
I just read the other comments, and they emphasise what I thought about the para with the silver keyring. It's skated over, so the reader isn't focussed on the object which later becomes the instrument of her death. Just a little tweaking here and there will put this right. I think in the para where she impatiently takes the key from his hand, the readers' attention is more on his pain than anything else.
I hope this is helpful. Maybe just a tad more, without going into any big detail, about Mrs. Redkin. I think I agree with Clay on the red herring effect of the posh car and the couple in it. Mrs. Redkin is much more important in the plot, and it feels as if the couple are a writer's device to show the horridness of the wife. Sorry to hear you've got this experience, by the way, but I don't see why you shouldn't kill her in fiction.
I think Clay might have said this as well, but I reckon you need to be deeper inside your characters to give this story strength and much more tension. Some more dialogue could do the trick, he never really answers her. Get him going!.
Becca... again.

tusker at 07:58 on 11 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Becca, Thanks for the pointers. Yes, I'll go over it again. I can see that I've not drawn out the characters and maybe should write that Evelyn, once upon a time, was not so bad. There was much more detail in the original so I'll dig it out from the dust.

Nella at 15:14 on 11 February 2008  Report this post
I wondered, too, WHY Evelyn is so horrible. There must have been something in her past to make her so. On the other hand, pointing out the root of her problems might make her more sympathetic, and then you wouldn't want to be killing her....It's very much a balancing act, it seems.
Regards,
Robin

tusker at 17:21 on 11 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Nella,
Of course, I'm biased due to an in-law's personality. Having known her for nearly 30 years, I've not found any redeeming features to her character. When my hubby first met her, and not judgemental, he said she gave him what he terms, the jimjams.
But I will try.

Jennifer

bjlangley at 13:54 on 21 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

Evelyn is horrible, you've certainly captured that aspect of the story.It's funny, as rude as she is to Carl, that she should accuse others of having no manners.

I think others have hit the nail on the head with the comments, I think we need the character of Mrs Redkin fleshed out a little.

As for something sharp like a dart on a key-ring - I certainly wouldn't put that in my pocket - could do serious damage!

I think there are two ways to go with this - Evelyn's death could be an accident, and I think the fall through the glass, if it were to sever an artery would work - If Carl's reluctant to release it because he's thinking about it being a gift, holds onto to longer than he should, before releasing when she's off balance she might fall with the necessary momentum... Or you could make her death something more deliberate.

All the best,

Ben

tusker at 14:17 on 21 February 2008  Report this post
Hi Ben, Thanks for your comments. I will re-write it. I can see all the points now.

Jennifer


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