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Visitation
Posted: 07 February 2008
Word Count: 51
Summary: Flash 2 challenge
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After they knocked, they embraced you as if absorbing your despair. When they entered, they smiled pious smiles. When they held you down, you prayed for forgiveness. When they left, you watched their black coats diminishing and you, growing smaller, tied a noose around your neck and left your baby crying.
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Comments by other Members
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 rosiedlm at 19:47 on 07 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
This is very powerful but I'm left confused as to who "they" are and why the MC is about to hang heself. I initally thought the visitors are nuns come to take an illegitimate baby away from its mother but then thought otherwise...
Best,
Rosie
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tusker at 20:45 on 07 February 2008
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Hi Rosie,
They were a bunch of persistent religious fanatics based in my area who knocked on doors. A weird American sect. MC was suffering mentally. She believed in them. They were unable to cast away her demons. It's a true story.
Regards,
Jennifer
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ireneintheworld at 13:02 on 08 February 2008
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hi jennifer
i liked this even though i didn't know who they were but, it reads much better when it's explained. so maybe you need to add something to it. very seriously sad story. i hate preachers.
irene
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 V`yonne at 13:40 on 08 February 2008
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If it was one word shorter this would be a dribble but I think it needs to be a liitle longer because we didn't get the sence of it. I thought the woman had been raped... Mind you, that's waht these sects do. It is powerful writing. You just need to tighten the sense of it and then post it off to EDF.
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tusker at 16:34 on 08 February 2008
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My friend, at sixteen, found out her biological father was her grandfather! She thought, by becoming pregnant, she'd tainted her own child.
Jennifer
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Forbes at 18:19 on 08 February 2008
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Jennifer
I agree that you could expand this just a smidge (a technical term, that!) to let the reader into the story fully. There's quite alot of back story you told upabove which doesn't get to us in the prose. We need to have that in story. Not all - just some more hints - please?
Cheers
AVis
<Added>
Sorry my mind is scramled today - I forgot to say the piece has great impact. So if you do expand it you need to keep that. The sparse poese suited the subject. I liked it, and I liked it more after I'd read your expo and re-read it.
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tusker at 19:37 on 08 February 2008
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Thanks Avis for your advise. God, what a story. MC's cousin was also the grandfather's daughter. It's a story that I find too heartbreaking to expand. The perv, then a well known and popular man in the town, kept the facade going until, MC's cousin broke down. She too was being abused by father/grandfather. No one believed them until it was too late. Incest was so prevalent but ignored in those days.
Jennifer
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V`yonne at 20:28 on 08 February 2008
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Jennifer, the more heartrending, the better story you're likely to end up with so go on. Avis's advice was sound.
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Elbowsnitch at 11:06 on 10 February 2008
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A terrible story, the writing strong and concise. Maybe a different title might point up the true life aspect for the reader? Could be a name and date of death, for instance.
Frances
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tusker at 11:24 on 10 February 2008
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His Frances, Thanks for you comments. Yes, a title change should be done.
Jennifer
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rebecca at 11:25 on 10 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
My goodness that is a really sad story.
It is so impressive that you have got the essence over in so few words and with such clarity. I agree that the story takes on more when you hear the 'background' but actually it is full of impact as it is.
Amazing!
Rebecca
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