Crossing The Line
Posted: 05 February 2008 Word Count: 204 Summary: Week 188 challenge
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Hans hears footsteps fall in behind him. In the past, necessity has taught him to recognise the sounds of danger. This night, despite their menace, he arrives back at the apartment block, unmolested. And, as he runs up to the third floor, the usual stench of fear and deprivation assaults his nostrils.
Stopping at the top, he hears the hiss of a match striking. Accompanying the sound, tobacco smoke drifts upwards, coiling like a snake in search of its prey. Leaning over the railing, Hans sees, below, a shadowy figure standing inside the entrance; an entrance that has been scrubbed clean but shades of his youthful rebellion still remain.
Entering his apartment, he sinks down onto an old sofa. A metal spring digs into his backside. From the bedroom opposite, he hears his mother weeping and he wonders, once more, what has become of his beloved Vater.
Six months ago, they came hammering on the door of the apartment. The terrified screams of his mother and Vater's dignity is a constant ache in his mind. He also wonders if Vater has heard the strong rumour and, if the rumour is true, he prays that Vater will soon lead his family across the forbidden line.
Comments by other Members
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Jumbo at 17:32 on 05 February 2008
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Jennifer
Hi
I really enjoyed the sense of menace and danger in this. Those opening paragraphs are cinematic, played out in grainy black and white - or at least, that's how I would film them if it were my choice.
Vater? Is that a name? Or is it German for father? I thought that but then wondered about your use of 'mother'. Ignore me, I'm just rambling! It's an age thing!
The only part I didn't understand was that expression 'strong rumour'. Is there something we need to know here to catch the full meaning of your story?
But great writing: incredible atmosphere and tension., a great sense of place.
I liked it.
All the best
john
<Added>
.... liked it a lot!
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Elbowsnitch at 17:36 on 05 February 2008
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Jennifer, this has such a powerful atmosphere - the terror, the things not said, the mystery of its ending. I assumed Vater had been taken away, but not killed - that he's still alive somewhere? What is 'the strong rumour', I wonder - what a haunting phrase. And 'the forbidden line' - a border crossing? So much is contained and implied here.
Frances
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tusker at 18:23 on 05 February 2008
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Hi John,
Glad you liked it. The fall of the Berlin Wall I had in mind. Vater is father.
Jennifer
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tusker at 18:26 on 05 February 2008
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Hi Francis,
Thanks for your kind comments. Hans doesn't know whether is father is alive or dead. He hopes. The forbidden border is between East and West Berlin but it could be anywhere.
Jennifer
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Forbes at 19:18 on 05 February 2008
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Hi Tusker
Powerful stuff indeed. I had same picks as Jumbo - vater & mother. Either vater & mutter OR mother and father. It distracted from the piece, for me.
I didn't pick up Berlin wall - sorry - I placed it 50 years before - WWII. Either just before OR at the time of the ghetto. But the atmosphere was terrific.
Could be expanded if you wanted?
TFR
Avis
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V`yonne at 22:59 on 05 February 2008
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A battle line of some sort or out of a city ghetto. Reminded me of Warsaw. The atmosphere is intensified by
the usual stench of fear and deprivation assaults his nostrils. |
| Is it a strong rumour because it holds hope? They may have survived - but not all of them.
This is very good Jennifer!
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tiger_bright at 11:15 on 06 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer, I really liked this. You built up a sense of tension and paranoia, very skilfully. I loved the incongruity of the spring digging into his backside - that little domestic detail added to the heightened sense of waiting, and hoping, and fearing.
Thanks for a great read.
Tiger
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tusker at 14:03 on 06 February 2008
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Thanks Oonah, for your kind comments. It's an early morning vision that I scribbled down.
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:05 on 06 February 2008
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Hi Avis, Thanks for you comments. Yes, I should've stuck to ordinary mother and father.
Jennifer
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titania177 at 18:21 on 07 February 2008
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Jennifer,
a very powerful piece, I got that Vater was father but I thought first that he had been taken away, and wasn't sure how then he could then wish his father would smuggle them away? Also, this line
an entrance that has been scrubbed clean but shades of his youthful rebellion still remain. |
| confused me a little, I wondered if the "youthful rebellion" was relevant, it led me astray.
Very evocative writing, very cinematic!
Tania
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tusker at 18:39 on 07 February 2008
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Hi Tania,
Thanks for you kind comments. Father was taken away. Hans hoped that the rumour of the Berlin Wall coming down might reach him and they would cross over to the West. The reference to the entrance was Hans's graffiti scrubbed off by the authorities. But I wrote it, I suppose, as an example of other repressive countries and their people in mind.
Regards,
Jennifer
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Cholero at 10:55 on 08 February 2008
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Jennifer
Loved the atmosphere in this: I had a tremendous sense of those stairs and that entrance-way. Like a noir movie.
smoke drifts upwards, coiling like a snake in search of its prey |
| -absolutely tremendous. Great way to generate tension, fear.
an entrance that has been scrubbed clean but shades of his youthful rebellion still remain. |
| -this reads like a non-sequitur, unless I've missed something!
Agree on the mother/vater issue -unless mother was english etc, but even then...
I had it pitched in pre-war Germany -persecution of the jews. Does it matter?
Wondered if you could drop some of the commas in the first para - three or four of them might not be needed and I found them quite hiccupy reading.
Thanks for the read.
Pete
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crowspark at 19:38 on 09 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer
Terrific opening paragraph. I could see it, and I wanted to see the whole movie! Loved the second also but would have cut,
an entrance that has been scrubbed clean but shades of his youthful rebellion still remain. |
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his backside maybe just "him"?
I am really impressed by this piece.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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choille at 23:49 on 09 February 2008
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Wonderful writing Jennifer.
I got a little confused - but that's me all over.
I wondered who Vadar was & also about the entrance.
I've read all the comments now & it makes sense after reading them.
He arrives back at the apartment block unmolested - now that's a brilliant hook & really intrigues - appeals to the diry minded reader such as one comes across occasionaly - not me, you undersatnd.
The bit with the entrance needs a little clarity I feel - just a personal opinion,it's just that at the moment it looks as if you have mispelt 'his' & it should be 'its' youth. maybe a slight reference to grafitti would help?
Very atmospheric & moreish - like good dark chocolate.
All the best
Caroline.
<Added>
Should be 'Dirty minded'.
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tusker at 06:27 on 10 February 2008
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Hi, Caroline, Bill, Mark and Pete,
Thanks for all your comments. Will heed your advise.
Jennifer
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