Sreak
Posted: 29 January 2008 Word Count: 292 Summary: Week 187 Challenge
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Without interruption, all through the summer, Tony and Streak had worked closely together. Tony, a cheerful man, didn't address Streak by her number D0782 but always called her by the pet name he'd given her.
In harmony, they travelled from North to South, taking holiday makers to their destinations, speeding through sunlight and rain and, as they travelled, Tony hummed love ballads and Streak, in return, made their journeys as effortless as possible.
But on September 10th, Tony didn't turn up for work and Streak, watching the new man stride towards her, noted his dour expression and as soon as he climbed into the cab, Streak knew she was in for a bad day.
On time, they left the station, their cargo of holiday makers dressed up for their vacations but as they gathered speed, grey clouds began to gather; an ominous sign that summer was fading.
Once out into the countrside, Streak longed to go faster but the driver held her back. Then the sun broke through grey, scattering clouds into an expanse of blue but the wind kept rising.
Half way to Bristol, the wind became a gale and the driver's touch tightened but Streak wasn't to be deterred, showing off her effortless performance with the minimum of rocking.
But as she flew under a bridge, she heard the driver let out a cry of dismay as up ahead, descending from a Chestnut Tree, a few large leaves fluttered downwards to rest upon the track before them.
Suddenly, the driver slammed on the brakes and Streak, with loud protestations, came to a grinding halt and getting out from his cab, the dour man walked to the front of the engine, scratching his head, saying, 'Whew! That was a close one.'
Comments by other Members
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Forbes at 16:56 on 29 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer
nice piece - poor Streak, deprived of her "Man". This reminded me of Anne Macaffrey's - The Ship Who Sang.
This is probably just me, but the mix of "ed" verbs and "ing" verbs in the last paragraph threw me a bit.
Cheers
Avis
<Added>
Err - is it Sreak or Streak?
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tusker at 18:47 on 29 January 2008
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Hi Anne,
It's Streak. My awful typing again. Haven't heard of The Ship Who Sang. I know mine's not that good. Will rectify ed's and ings. I'm a terriblle inging person. Wrote about a Ming vase once.True. They all died in the end. Vase got smashed.
Jennifer
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Forbes at 19:05 on 29 January 2008
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Jennifer
Don't just take my word for it - it might just be me! I do it sometimes and then go back & regular-iseone way or t'other. It may be me being "prissy".
Avis
<Added>
If you've not read that story (and you like Sci-Fi - or even if you don't) then get yourself down to the local library and get it out. She's a wonderful author, and very prolific. Her "Pern" series of stories are fairy stories for grown-ups! Beautiful. And the Ship who sang is also part of a series. She doesn't write one offs I think.
She writes Sci-fi - but you don't know it - you know? She populates her stories so thickly with wonderful characters - Lessa in in the Pern series is such a good female lead.
I like most everything she's written.
I'll just go root out my copy and re-read I think!!
Cheers
Avis
<Added>
...and I didn't mean that yours wasn't good. Just that it reminded me of that story - 'cos the ship has a personality.
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Jumbo at 10:24 on 30 January 2008
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Jennifer
I like the way you build up the relationship between Tony and Streak - and Streak's disappointment when Tony doesn't show up on that day. (I'm probably being thick here, but is there some significance in September 10th? Am I missing something.)
And then the whole network shut down because of a few leaves on the line! Another dose of real life!
Like Avis I had some difficulty with that last paragraph. and I wondered if it would be more effective if you split it into shorter sentences, for example:
Suddenly, the driver slammed on the brakes. Streak, with loud protestations, came to a grinding halt. Getting out from his cab the dour man walked to the front of the engine, scratching his head. 'Whew! That was a close one,' he said.
Just a thought - discard and bin as appropriate.
Great story, thanks for the read.
john
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tiger_bright at 10:27 on 30 January 2008
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Hi, Jennifer. Leaves on the line? A close one, indeed! Lovely playful flash with a real sense of character coming across. I thought Streak was great.
Tiny typo here: "Once out into the countrside" - y missing.
came to a grinding halt and getting out from his cab |
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I'd split that into two sentences, the first one ending with 'halt'.
Half way to Bristol, the wind became a gale and the driver's touch tightened but Streak wasn't to be deterred, showing off her effortless performance with the minimum of rocking. |
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I really liked that!
Tiger
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tusker at 14:11 on 30 January 2008
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Hi Avis,
Thanks for your comments and advice. I'll look up Anne Mccaffrey on Amazon. Sadly, we've lost our local library. I'm a fan of Ianin Banks who writes well in 2 genres. Just finished, 'The Steep Approach to Garbadale,' which was excellent. Before that I read Excession a Sci-Fi. Think I've read all his novels now.
Regards,
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:14 on 30 January 2008
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Hi John,
Thanks for you advice will go over the story again. At first, didn't think I make the challenge until the early hours of Monday morning. Insomnia can have it up side.
Regards,
jennifer
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tusker at 14:17 on 30 January 2008
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Hi Sarah,
Glad you liked it.It's great that others can spot the mistakes. Will polish it up.
Regards,
Jennifer
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V`yonne at 17:04 on 30 January 2008
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Jennifer, It's a lovely personification well handled.
Being picky:
But as she flew under a bridge, she heard |
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Nothing wrong with it but there are two buts further up and maybe a then would ring the changes or:
As she flew under the bridge,Streak heard.... ??
Just a thunk. :)
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Cholero at 10:06 on 02 February 2008
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Jennifer
Nice defined character for Streak, a determined, loyal and feisty person disappointed by her new feller.
Nice gag at the end, real feeling of skidding up to the leaves and stopping just in time.
Felt you could break into two some of the longer sentences without harming the excellent pace :
In harmony, they travelled from North to South, taking holiday makers to their destinations, speeding through sunlight and rain and, as they travelled, Tony hummed love ballads and Streak, in return, made their journeys as effortless as possible. |
| -full-stop after rain?
But on September 10th, Tony didn't turn up for work and Streak, watching the new man stride towards her, noted his dour expression and as soon as he climbed into the cab, Streak knew she was in for a bad day. |
| -full-stop after expression?
Half way to Bristol, the wind became a gale and the driver's touch tightened but Streak wasn't to be deterred, showing off her effortless performance with the minimum of rocking. |
| -full-stop after tightened?
Just one opinion of course.
Thanks for the enjoyable read.
Pete
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optimist at 11:30 on 02 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer - Streak is fab - love her character and the relationship with Tony.
The descriptions and details are very good - I could picture the journeys - you really put over the texture of their lives - if that makes any sense?
Sarah
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tusker at 12:01 on 02 February 2008
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Hi Pete,
Thanks for you kind comments and pointers regarding full stops. Will do.
Jennifer
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tractor at 17:15 on 02 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
quite a touching, and very readable piece. I can see where Avis is coming from with The Ship Who Sang, she too was the intelligent one in the human/machine relationship. There were conflicts with her pilots who were called 'Brawns' and could generally only see what was straight ahead of them, and then not clearly.
Cheers
Mark
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tusker at 20:30 on 02 February 2008
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Thanks Mark. Told Avis I must get hold of that story.
Jennifer
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crowspark at 23:53 on 02 February 2008
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Hi Jennifer
I enjoyed this. I liked the relationships and the detail:
Streak wasn't to be deterred, showing off her effortless performance with the minimum of rocking. |
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Loved the leaf on the line joke at the end.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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tusker at 06:16 on 03 February 2008
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Thanks Bill. It was going to be a snow flake on the line but thought it might be a bit over the top.
Jennifer
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