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Booty Therapy? - Chapter One, Opportunity Knocks

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 29 January 2008
Word Count: 1383
Summary: My first attempt at writing fiction/novel. Here is Chapter One. All comments and advice welcome. Not too confident about the opening chapter at the moment.


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Chapter One

As always on a Monday evening, Kate sat alone in a cosy dimly lit room of her humble terraced house, with a bottle of Shiraz and Coronation Street for company. Her mind wandered during the commercial break. She wondered whether she had made the right decision, to leave behind the stability of a once loved career in the hospitality industry after a decade of hard work as Senior Wedding Organiser. But having achieved the qualifications she had desired for so long it seemed a waste not to put them to use.

* * * * *

It had taken 4 years of evening study and the sacrifice of endless weekends and socialising for Kate to become a qualified Beauty and Holistic Therapist. She had enjoyed every class she had attended at college. Receiving regular treatments from fellow students during the practice sessions meant that she looked better now than she had ever looked. This had been noticed by many of her male acquaintances, one in particular Stefan Gabrielle, her boss at The Castle Hotel.

Stefan had allowed Kate to offer her Beauty and Holistic services to clients and her treatments had been built into the wedding packages offered by the hotel. The Brides and their mothers couldn’t resist the treatments on offer. They took one look at Kate’s own perfect appearance and the decision was made. It had been a successful part of her career and had earned her some much needed extra cash to clear debts and credit card bills.

It had only been within the last few years that Kate had made the conscious effort to be careful with money. The threat of redundancy had reared it’s head on more than one occasion, as more luxurious hotels popped up in the City Centre and the competition for Kate and the Castle team became hard work. Gone were the days of buying designer handbags and spending ridiculous amounts of money in the Riverside Champagne Bar, much to the dismay of Kate.

Kate had managed to save a substantial amount of money which she had been putting aside each month in a high interest savings account. It seemed that opportunity knocked one day as she was walking the wet cobbled streets towards the hotel. She almost missed the sign as she shielded her well-groomed hair from the torrential rain with her umbrella. But she glanced towards the well known salon to see the For Sale sign prominent and bold, tempting her to stop and take notice.

Of course Kate had thought about having her own business, but not in great detail, or very seriously. She didn’t know much about running a business but she had learned enough during her course to know about the relevant legislation and what it would take to run a good salon. As she stared up at the sign in front of her she knew this would be the ideal location for her to build a successful reputable business, and as the property was already used as a salon it seemed ideal. She didn’t know when the next opportunity would arise and quickly entered the necessary contact details into her mobile phone.

She hurried to work that day with butterflies in her stomach and a grin on her face. Her mind was working overtime as she thought about quirky names which would be suitable for a trendy sophisticated new salon, she thought about marketing strategies and promotions she could offer, maybe she could continue to work with The Castle Hotel too. Full of ideas and exhilaration she set to work on a client file, confirming menus with the kitchen, ordering the flowers, ensuring that the bridal suite was booked for the evening, calling the DJ to confirm details of the requested music chosen by the happy couple and finalising a copy of the file for Stefan.

Putting the excitement aside, Kate wondered whether to mention her idea to Stefan at this early stage. They had spoken in the past about Kate’s future and he had always supported her and encouraged her to be ambitious regarding her career. As she knocked the entered his office, she failed to hide her excitement and it was apparent to Stefan that she was bursting to tell him something.

“Hey gorgeous, you’re looking rather pleased with yourself today.” He grinned at her in the admiring way he always did.

“Well, that’s because I have something on my mind. Can I talk to you about it? I mean, it’s only an idea at the moment but it could be a life changing one.”

Intrigued, he listened to Kate without interrupting, nodding at the right moments and smiling at her obvious excited enthusiasm. As she finished her speech, he got to his feet and slowly walked around to the chair where she sat, still with the client file on her lap. He leant to kiss her.

There had always been a flirtatious chemistry between Kate and Stefan, but learning from past mistakes with work colleagues, Kate had never let it get any further than daily flirting and friendly banter. He was her boss after all and she believed it would only end in disaster if she were to get emotionally or sexually involved. Undeniably it was in the back of her mind that if she were to successfully open her own salon, they would no longer be colleagues. Kate responded to his kiss, as Stefan pulled her to her feet and held her close.

“That’s my girl! You know you have my full support and I will help you in any way I can.”

Stefan was 11 years older than Kate, and had just celebrated his 40th birthday. Some people misread his confidence as arrogance and thought him to be a bit of a sleazy ladies man, a player. He knew he was good looking and as assistant manager of The Castle Hotel he earned enough money to own a swanky riverside apartment in the city and drive a Mercedes sports car. Kate’s girlfriends had always encouraged her where Stefan was concerned, constantly telling her they would look so good together, with her long dark hair and pretty face and his Italian smooth looks. They would make beautiful babies.

Kate was 29, and a lot like Stefan in many ways. She took pride in her appearance, she was ambitious, she enjoyed male company and she was a merciless flirt. She was however prone to periods where she lacked confidence in herself. She had a complicated background, she was often unhappy with her weight and up until recently she had been very disorganised regarding her personal financial situation, coming close to declaring herself bankrupt after several years of partying, overspending and being irresponsible with money. As her working relationship and friendship with Stefan developed, her lack of confidence had not been as frequent as it once had been.

Kate’s pulse was racing after Stefan loosened his hold on her. It had been a moment she had imagined happening for so long. Stefan ordered the hotel bar staff to bring a bottle of champagne to his office, and asked Kate to join him and talk more about her plans.

The working day had come to an end quickly and Kate had gone home with indisputable determination that she was going to get what she wanted, in the form of the salon, and quite possibly a new man.

Kate had been single for just over a year now. She had gone through a messy break up with a long term boyfriend after living with him for 4 years. Since he had left, she had dated numerous men and had a few meaningless one night stands, but often convinced herself that she was going to end up like Bridget Jones and start her thirties as a single woman with no prospects of love or commitment from any man.

Now, as the Shiraz heightened her senses and emotions, Kate lounged in her dressing gown trying to rid herself of the last minute nerves she was experiencing. It had been 4 months since the day she had seen the For Sale sign which had presented her with an amazing opportunity, and she was now looking forward to her last day at The Castle Hotel at the end of the week.






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Comments by other Members



susieangela at 10:24 on 29 January 2008  Report this post
Hi A of L,

I think you've got a good story here. The situation - of a young, ambitious woman with (apparently) everything going for her, about to make a break into running her own beauty business -will appeal to readers. And of course, we know that something is likely to go wrong! And that this may well involve Stefan!

You could think about including slightly more active scenes rather than telling us what happened. It wouldn't take much - eg the first para:
Kate sat alone in her humble terraced house, a bottle of Shiraz and Coronation Street for company. Her mind wandered during the commercial break. Had she made the right decision? By the end of the week she would leave behind a decade of hard work as Senior Wedding Organiser at The Castle Hotel to strike out on her own. Kate ---, Holistic Beauty Therapist. She raised her glass in a silent toast to herself.


When Stefan kisses her, I'd like to know what it felt like for Kate. This is the first time it's happened -how did he kiss her? what did he feel/taste/smell like? how long did it go on for? how did it affect her emotionally, phsyically? How did she feel afterwards? Did it have any effect on her decision to leave?

When you describe her friends encouraging her to get off with Stefan, maybe that bit could go into dialogue between her and her girlfriends? "You look so good together. You're both so dark, so gorgeous. You'd make beautiful babies."

She had gone through a messy break up with a long term boyfriend after living with him for 4 years.

Again, just a detail or two would be good - what was his name, why was it messy, how had she felt afterwards?

Hope this is helpful. I think it's just a case of adding a few more 'alive' moments of detail to the narrative.

Susiex







Ambitions of Lisa at 12:14 on 29 January 2008  Report this post
Thanks Susie.

I welcome your suggestions and agree that more detail is required.
I'll work on it.
:)

Lisa

Brady at 12:24 on 29 January 2008  Report this post
A of L

I like the story idea and can see that there will be many conflicts ahead and hence lots of plot . I wondered though if it would be possible to do a bit more showing instead of telling. I know it's a challenge to fill in the back story but perhaps you could make use of the dialogue between Kate and Stefen, or her inner thoughts during their conversation, to reveal more about her rather than having the narrator tell us everything. cosy dimly lit – I’d have been happy with one adjective here, dimly lit, I think.
A few more detiled comments:

cosy dimly lit
– I’d have been happy with one adjective here, dimly lit, I think

same with humble terraced house
– I think terraced house says enough

I’m not keen on the use of the word wondered so close after wandered and wonder :) whether you could make her thoughts snappier by making them into a direct question?
Had she made the right decision to leave behind the stability of a once loved career in the hospitality industry after a decade of hard work as Senior Wedding Organiser?
Oh just had a peep at SusieAngela’s suggestion and that’s even better.

It was apparent to Stefan that she was bursting to tell him something.
Is this POV shift intentional?

So keep going with the story but my advice would be to try break up the narrative a bit so it doesn't come across as too explainey.

I think Kate will appeal to readers and that they'll root for her as a result.
JO


Ambitions of Lisa at 13:44 on 29 January 2008  Report this post
Thanks Jo,

You made some good points. I'm going to work on this today to see how I can improve the dialogue and the descriptive language.

Many thanks for reading.
Lisa

Account Closed at 17:50 on 29 January 2008  Report this post

Hi Lisa,

i liked this and warmed to the character of Kate straight away - so well done! I also liked the sound of sexy Stefan! I would certainly read on.

Just a few things:


She had enjoyed every class she had attended at college.

the 'she had' s can read a little stilted - don't be afraid of letting it sound natural, don't feel it has to sound 'proper' - i can remember thinking this when i first started out.
How about just:
'She'd enjoyed every class at the college'

the wet cobbled streets towards the hotel. She almost missed the sign as she shielded her well-groomed hair from the torrential rain with her umbrella

i'd just be aware of using lots and lots of adjectives - how about 'torrents of rain' and just 'cobbled streets'.

I thought the dialogue sounded and easy and natural, so well done.

'opportunity knocks', 'butterflies in stomach' - also be aware of cliches.

Instead of telling us their ages and backgrounds, i'd try and thread it in more as the chapters move along - don't feel the reader has to know everything straightaway - maybe a few pages on she could tease him about his age, for example.

for me there was a bit too much telling in this first chapter - as a reader i don't feel i know, or even at this stage want, to know so much about them all at once.

Also, maybe you could really grab the reader's attention in the first few paras by eg starting with her spotting the 'For Sale' sign, or with that kiss?

Remember though, Lisa, all of this is just my opinion - it's your book and you have to consider all the crits and then reject the ones you think aren't for you!

Good Stuff.

Casey

<Added>

Oops, meant:
'as a reader i don't feel i NEED...'

<Added>

Ah, i see now about opportunity knocks - in the title.Hmm, i like that. But I'd be aware of other cliches...:)

saturday at 19:35 on 30 January 2008  Report this post
Hi there,

I like the idea of putting business at the centre of the novel, I can imagine there are lots of opportunities for twists and turns, plus of course you have a bit of romance on the side with sexy Stefan.

I think you do need to do some work on the way you tell the story though. At the moment it feels very informative, there's a lot of telling rather than showing, for example:

Kate was 29, and a lot like Stefan in many ways. She took pride in her appearance, she was ambitious, she enjoyed male company and she was a merciless flirt. She was however prone to periods where she lacked confidence in herself. She had a complicated background, she was often unhappy with her weight and up until recently she had been very disorganised regarding her personal financial situation, coming close to declaring herself bankrupt after several years of partying, overspending and being irresponsible with money. As her working relationship and friendship with Stefan developed, her lack of confidence had not been as frequent as it once had been.


You've got a lot of info here:
she is well-groomed (a bit vain?)
she & Stefan are quite similar
she is ambitious
she is a flirt
she sometimes lacks confidence
she sometimes has weight problems
she has been reckless with money in the past
her relationship with Stefan has given her more confidence

Instead of cramming such a lot of info into a list, is there any way you could break it down, choosing one or two key chunks and dramatising them for the reader?

Hope this doesn't sound too critical, I have the same problem and constantly have to pull myself up on this issue.

Lots of luck,

Saturday


SheScribbles at 21:20 on 31 January 2008  Report this post
Hi Lisa

What you've got here is a good starting hook for a novel - Kate is just about to give up EVERYTHING to follow her dreams and there's a hint there's going to be some romance too. The only trouble is the opening is a little slow. As the others have said there's lots of 'tell' (background) and the reader wants to get straight to the action.

I thought it would be better if you started here:


She hurried to work that day with butterflies in her stomach and a grin on her face. Her mind was working overtime as she thought about quirky names which would be suitable for a trendy sophisticated new salon, she thought about marketing strategies and promotions she could offer, maybe she could continue to work with The Castle Hotel too.


So if you started your novel with "Kate hurried to work that day with butterflies in her stomach and a grin on her face" you've immediately gripped the reader because they'll immediately what to know what caused the butterflies and grin.

You can then gradually explain what Kate has decided to do as the scene progresses, unfolding it slowly, rather than giving it all to the reader in one go.

Another 'show not tell' you should look at is this paragraph:


She took pride in her appearance, she was ambitious, she enjoyed male company and she was a merciless flirt. She was however prone to periods where she lacked confidence in herself. She had a complicated background, she was often unhappy with her weight and up until recently she had been very disorganised regarding her personal financial situation, coming close to declaring herself bankrupt after several years of partying, overspending and being irresponsible with money. As her working relationship and friendship with Stefan developed, her lack of confidence had not been as frequent as it once had been.


Instead of telling us what Kate's character is like you need to show us. Show her looking in a mirror and making sure her lipstick is just show, show her doing something ambitious. We don't need to know everything about a character at the beginning of a novel. A lot of the pleasure in reading a novel is getting to know a character as the novel progresses.

As I said, you've definitely got something here you just need to re-jig it a little to make it more compelling.

ireneintheworld at 23:30 on 02 February 2008  Report this post
hi lisa. i liked your mc immediately and thought your writing was very smooth. but i think you've written yourself into a story and should now continue without this intro; i would insert the info here when and where you need it - feed it into the story as you go along but begin with the new business and perhaps the condition of the empty shop...get down and dirty with workmen and dreams, which i imagine you've got coming next anyway.

please feel free to completely ignore my ramblings. i'll look forward to reading about skin and creams and emotions well-rubbed in. i hope i don't sound too brutal here, and that i can help in any way. love your writing.

irene :)

<Added>

i agree with scribbles about beginning with her going to work with the butterflies.

Ambitions of Lisa at 18:21 on 15 February 2008  Report this post
Thanks all for the comments. I'm still working on this and it's taking a little time. Watch this space for an amended first chapter. I'll get there :D

Lisa



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