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Life is/can be
Posted: 25 January 2008
Word Count: 55
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Repetition,
of a harsh wind brushing
rushing past me and
my cheek frictions red a bit,
but is it the wind or
your faint image in an uncertain distance
that bruises me, confuses me,
but still urges me
to wrap my arms
like the wind around you,
to surround you,
hope my thoughts astound you.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 12:07 on 26 January 2008
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Hi Stephen. I do like the question, 'is it the wind?'. There is room for a lot of thought here. I wondered if you needed the last two lines, though. I hesitated a bit with rushing past me and
my cheek frictions red a bit |
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I think I know what you mean but it caused me to stumble.
I enjoyed the read!
joanie
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 James Graham at 21:29 on 26 January 2008
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Hi Stephen - Good to have a new poem, it's been a while! ( I know you've been posting work in other groups).
The two ideas, of the repetitive wind - gusting, rising and falling - and 'your faint image in an uncertain distance', certainly spark off each other. I feel a lot of tension - and uncertainty, the word you use in the poem - in the juxtaposition of the two, but the return of the wind in the image 'to wrap my arms/ like the wind around you' brings a kind of resolution. Not a final one, the hope of one maybe. As I try to give this reading of your poem, I realise how nuanced it is and therefore hard to paraphrase. I don't mean it's obscure, but the way the wind seems to represent the absent, or distant, 'you' is quite complex. As a reader I'm drawn into the poem by this.
I was going to suggest dropping the last two lines, for that very reason, that
to wrap my arms
like the wind around you |
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is a kind of resolution, and so seems to complete the poem. But I can also see how it would take something away from the pattern of rhyming pairs - brushing/ rushing, bruises/ confuses, around/ surround. So I would suggest dropping only the last line. From the point of view of the pattern three rhymes to end with is one too many, and for the sake of the poem's impact I think the last line is weaker than the rest of the poem.
I think it would be effective, if you end the poem with 'to surround you', not to put a full stop but to leave it unpunctuated. Even the whole poem unpunctuated? - lack of punctuation goes with uncertainty.
Maybe a change of title too? 'Life' - the poem isn't about life in general, it's about a particular moment in life and the complex feelings that surround it. Maybe the title should echo the imagery - a word or phrase evoking wind or uncertainty or absence. 'Absence'?
James.
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 Ticonderoga at 12:51 on 25 February 2008
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Howe about 'Breath of Life?', with the question mark as part of the title. Enjoyed this very much. Original and powerful.
Best,
Mike
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hailfabio at 14:45 on 03 March 2008
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Thanks for the comments, I agree that the title isn't great and the last line is too much.
I think a title of 'Longing' might fit better.
Cheers Stephen
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