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Gonna B - chap 1 (old version)

by Skippoo 

Posted: 22 January 2008
Word Count: 1502
Summary: Hello, this is the start of a new novel which is aimed at teenagers. It's about a group of teenagers following a boy band around, but will hopefully also be a humourous and scathing attack on our empty, celebrity-obsessed culture, with a moral for the kids. Or something like that. This is a very rough first chapter. All opinions welcome. Cheers!


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


“Help me get my feet back on the ground”
The Beatles, 1965

“The Sun Always Shines On TV”
A-ha, 1986

“Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy”
George Michael, 1990


ONE

Right.

I’ll start by introducing myself. Then the band. We’re the most important people in this, I suppose.

I’m Lucy and I’m fourteen. I’m white with brown hair and I’m ‘curvy’, according to my mum. That probably means I’m a bit fat even though everyone tells me I’m not. I live in north-west London with my mum and my little brother, but my nan might as well live here too. Actually, Sinead might as well live here too. Sinead’s my best mate and she’s a nutter, but you’ll meet her soon.

Our house is falling apart. Well, it’s not really. It just looks like it is because stuff is coming off the walls on the outside – the ‘pebbledashing’, it’s called. All these white clumps are crumbling off the walls, leaving patches of old red brick underneath. I didn’t mind the red brick, though. It reminds me of the start of Coronation Street. Mum said she’s going to track the builders down and sue them. Nan said she’s going track them down, line them up and knee them all in the bollocks.

My nan’s got metal in her knee, so a knee in the bollocks from her would really hurt. It happened in the 1960s after she climbed up the gates of Buckingham Palace. She was trying to get a glimpse of the Beatles when they went to get their MBEs from the queen, but she fell off the gates and shattered her knee cap. She says it was worth it to get a glimpse of Paul McCartney. She still fancies him now. ‘Ooh. I bet Paul’s a right goer,’ she says. Yuck.

I’d fall off a royal gate for Owen Mistry. Any day of the week.

Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked there and introduced a few other people. But mentioning Owen (yum) brings me nicely on to the band. They’re called Gonna B. And they’re at number one in the single and album charts right now.

There are five of them:

Ian Sanders
Ian Sanders is the gay one in the band. And that’s meant to be really exciting as he’s the first boy band member to be openly gay from the start (there was a gay bloke from a band called Boyzone when I was young, but he only came out because the papers were about to put it all over their front pages). Ian is from a place called Hyde, on the outskirts of Manchester. He’s a brilliant dancer and can do all mad backflips and the splits and stuff. He’s quite small, but he has a very muscley, tanned body and sometimes girls wish he was straight, or at least bisexual. He says he snogs his female friends sometimes, though, for a laugh.

Paul Adu
Paul is the hoodie of the band. He’s half black and half white and comes from Streatham. He used to be a gang called STA and he got in trouble with the police loads. Then he left it all to join Gonna B. Sometimes TV presenters have trouble understanding what Paul is saying and so do my mum and nan. That’s why I’ve decided to put translations in brackets. He says he has to live in North London now otherwise people in South London might try to murk him (kill him) or kick his motorbike over. He raps a lot on Gonna B’s songs. He didn’t get on with Ian at first because he didn’t like batty men (gay people), but he said Ian helped him overcome his prejudice and that every hoodie should have a batty mate because it means you know they’re never gonna tief your gash (steal your girlfriend). Loads of girls fancy Paul, but like my mum says, he’s a bit of rough – someone you should have a fling with, but not the type you want to marry.

Lawrence Macmillan
Lawrence is the emo kid of the band. He’s from Northampton, which is meant to be a bit countrified and posh. He plays quite a few instruments, including guitar, bass and drums. He always wears black. He got in trouble for drinking Jack Daniels when Gonna B started as he was only seventeen, but he’s eighteen now. He dyes his hair a lot and once said that his life feels empty. He sometimes wears black nailpolish too. Once on TV, Paul called him a batty man for that, but Ian told Paul to shut up because he was the only gay in the band. Then Lawrence stood up and said, ‘I’m the only gay in the village,’ in a squeaky Welsh accent like the guy in Little Britain and everyone nearly pissed themselves laughing. Lawrence is quite witty when he’s not going on about self-harm and whisky and stuff.

Daniel Maher
Daniel is the other one who’s a bit exciting, like Ian. That’s because he’s the first disabled boyband member ever. He’s in a wheelchair, which is really sad, but he’s also the main songwriter, which means he makes more money than everyone else, so people don’t feel too sorry for him. He’s the only bandmember with a chauffeur and will probably have enough money to retire to a mansion in Surrey soon. He’s from Dublin. He plays piano too. He’s the only band member who has a girlfriend (or boyfriend). Her name is Keeley and she’s a natural blonde and quite nice. Sometimes Paul says he’s disabled too because he’s dyslexic and has something called ADHD, but people don’t really take any notice. My mum thinks Daniel is the best looking one. He has a cute face with big Irish blue eyes, but he’s too pretty for me.

Owen Mistry
Owen’s the most important member of Gonna B, because he’s my favourite. He’s from Harrow, near here, so we’ve probably been to loads of the same places. I do all my shopping in Harrow now because I know I could be stepping on the same floors he has stepped on. He’s half-Asian. I think that’s yet another exciting thing for Gonna B as there’s probably never been an Asian guy in a boyband before either. So Ian is as close as it gets. He has gorgeous dark shiny hair and brown skin and he’s just so yum. He’s the best singer too. Some people think Daniel is the best, but Owen’s voice is a bit more manly, so I prefer it. My main ambition is to have a proper chat with Owen when no one else is there and him to know my name. Well, my main ambition would be to marry him, but at school they tell us you should make your goals SMART. SMART= specific, measurable, agreed, realistic and time-bound. So I want us to have a chat and for Owen to know my name within the next year. There’s still the ‘agreed’ part and Ok, Owen hasn’t agreed, but he’s nice to his fans, so I reckon it’ll be OK.

So yeah, that’s the guys in the band.

Gonna B are linked with a reality TV show, which is also called Gonna B. But it’s not like Pop Idol or X Factor. The band had already been put together and had a manager (he’s called called Stephen Braston, but we call him Sleazy Bastard). It’s like a documentary of the band doing all their normal band stuff: Writing and recording songs, rehearsing for gigs, going to hairdressers and clothes shops, going to the gym, seeing stylists, chilling out together and having meetings with Sleazy Bastard. Sometimes you get to see other parts of their lives too, like Owen going to see his mum, which is so cute because he loves her so much. But with the TV show, we get to vote on things at the end of each programme. We voted on what their first single should be, what dance routine they should use at their Astoria gig, whether Paul should eat less McDonalds and whether Owen should grow his hair (I didn’t bother voting as he’d look gorgeous even if he had a comb-over, like my Science teacher). Once, Lawrence got texted by an ex-girlfriend asking if he wanted to meet up, but everyone voted ‘no’, so he couldn’t meet her. He started threatening to self-harm that night and had to be sent to his counsellor, Sarah.

Gonna B have been around for about a year now. And I’ve met them. Loads of times.






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Comments by other Members



groovygal2k at 20:15 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
This is really good. its easy to read and not to difficult to understand, although the amount of characters im sure will get confusing at some point.
itd be good to see what chapter 2 looks like.
keep up the good work!

Katherine
x

Skippoo at 20:18 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
Thanks, Katherine. Yes, I'm aware I'm going to have to be careful with the characters and try to just focus on a few once the story gets going.

Cath

Colin-M at 21:33 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
Love the voice. She sounds very real, and very teenage - all those quick, bitty "Vicky Pollard" sentences pulling you along - white water rafting for readers!

I didn't like the characters though, or what I mean is, I didn't like the way they were introduced and described as a list, for two reasons. First, I think you're giving too much away too early - but I could be wrong on that, especially if you feel she's the type of girl who really would put you fully in the picture before you've had a chance to say hello. (in which case, keep it!) But more importantly, when you switch to describing the characters like ingredients, the age of her voice suddenly shifts to someone older; it feels as though she knows that boybands follow a formula, when I'd imagine she'd think they were the real deal, and probably best friends. "Ian Sanders is the gay one in the band" goes against that.

What I do like is that you have some great, cynical, ideas going on here - the band sounds so horribly manufactured that it really is funny, but I think this is such a good idea that it might be better delivered carefully, so that the picture of what is going on grows over the course of the novel rather than a custard pie in the face on page one.

For what it's worth, I think it would feel more genuine, and be easier for the reader to follow, if she focussed on her idol for this opening, talked about him and described him by the things he's done rather than just what he looks like, then link to the reality show and her determination to meet him.

Hope this is helpful in some way,

Colin M

Skippoo at 22:48 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
Colin, that was really helpful, as always. You have clearly voiced some reservations that were wallowing in the back of my mind! Thanks!

Cath

Luisa at 23:04 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
I loved this.

I do all my shopping in Harrow now because I know I could be stepping on the same floors he has stepped on.
Ha ha ha, you brought back such memories of shopping trips to Watford, where George Michael shopped, being a Bushey boy and practically a neighbour. And Simon le Bon's mum shopped in the Safeways I worked in for a while... Ahem, anyway. This was a great touch.

It all felt very realistic. Slightly scarily so. Did you know my friends?!! (Um, you might well have done, come to think of it!)

Some observations:

might try to murk him (kill him),
he didn’t like batty men (gay people),
I didn't think you needed to explain these, and possibly not the third one either. I could be wrong.

Gonna B is a fantastic name, and I completely believed in the reality TV show.

Sleazy Bastard is also a brilliant nickname, although you might have to watch out for possible stereotyping... On the other hand, this might be the effect you want!

I wondered whether this chapter should focus on Owen Mistry and you should talk about the other boy band members only in relation to him? After all, he's most important to Lucy. It would avoid the 'too many characters' problem, maybe?

I'm looking forward to meeting Sinead the Nutter. :)

Luisa








<Added>

P.S. I can recommend Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning for a different take on a similar subject. (If I've understood the subject!)

Skippoo at 23:40 on 22 January 2008  Report this post
Haha, don't forget George Michael also lived round my parts in Edgware for a while too! My dad picked him and Andrew Ridgely up in his cab once. I won't say what he said about them, but it wasn't very politically correct.

Lucy's mum is a former Wham and A-ha fan and we already know her nan was a Beatles fan and I want to do a bit of comparing to show how the whole boy band thing has progressed over the years. That's why I've got quotes from those artists at the beginning.

But anyway, yes, I agree with your comments too about perhaps focusing on Owen more. Thank you!

Cath

funnyvalentine at 12:33 on 24 January 2008  Report this post
I really enjoyed it, but am so old I needed all the slang translated...! Her voice is great - all very real, but, yup, maybe one or two too many characters to take on board initially, really good though.

i remember watching the Jam support the Police at one of our pubs...sigh...

P.J. at 15:34 on 24 January 2008  Report this post
I enjoyed this but I do agree with Colin about that lst of characters. This chapter came across like a prologue to me, or at least my understanding of what a prologue should be.

Skippoo at 18:28 on 24 January 2008  Report this post
Thanks, guys.

Cath

SarahT at 22:49 on 24 January 2008  Report this post
Cath,

I too loved the voice and I liked this detail...
Nan said she’s going track them down, line them up and knee them all in the bollocks.

My nan’s got metal in her knee, so a knee in the bollocks from her would really hurt.

... but I wonder if you could trim it to make it punchier and edit it together into one para. 'Nan said she's going to track them down, line them up and knee them all in the bollocks - which would hurt as she's got metal in her knee.'

Apart from that, I couldn't help agreeing that there is something a bit squiffy about the characters. I can't even envisage what sort of music they would agree on or why an emo fan would want to be in a boy band. Perhaps he's the one that jarred the most but I wonder if the problem is that it doesn't quite reflect how boybands are put together. If you think about it, most boybands are made from groups of clones who are then made up to look different, not the other way around. Even a reality TV show would do it that way. Unless you make that the gimmick of the TV show - that it was an experiment to get all these different characters together. Still couldn't see them making too much music together, though!

I'm sure you'll work it out.

S

Cassandra5 at 17:50 on 25 January 2008  Report this post
I agreed with Naomi's comment that perhaps focussing us on Owen for this chapter would be helpful. I loved the "voice" you developed and up to the list part I was just sailing. Then I stalled. I felt as if there was too much information about too many characters being loaded on me at once and I wasn't going to be able to keep them straight. I would say to give us Owen and perhaps then something about Paul, because somehow that description rang true for me. The others should barely be mentioned in passing. I think you could give us a briefer description of the band that would make clear its absurd stereotyped composition without giving quite so mucy information. I loved the Reality TV concept. And the last line was absolutely perfect.
-_Elizabeth (Cassandra)

Cassandra5 at 18:19 on 28 January 2008  Report this post
I had another thought. If you want to get information about all five band members up front, to be efficient, could you do a "paste in" of some kind of publicity material about them? Save Lucy's voice for talking about Owen (and maybe Paul) but do a sort of page-paste with the full band description as if its' from a fan mag or something like that. You could probably convey a lot of the feeling you want to convey about the band itself and its individual members that way, while keeping Lucy focussed on the people she feels most strongly about.
I also wonder if it's a good idea to have band members called "Ian" and "Owen" both. Even you called Owen "Ian" once. I struggled like mad to keep 5 characters all named "Cassandra" separate from one another (and they also have alter-egos named Cassandra, so that's 10 Cassandras in one book....) so I've thought a lot about distinctive names and not confusing the reader!
--Elizabeth

Colin-M at 18:23 on 28 January 2008  Report this post
Considering the targe audience, I think that would be an excellent idea. It would be in place of a prologue, a few fan-mag pages complete with photos, overlayed with text and bits and pieces - an earring, an autograph, a concert ticket/backstage pass.

Skippoo at 18:50 on 28 January 2008  Report this post
That is a very interesting idea - I like the idea of having it in place of the prologue too. In fact, I was going to have the band's website feature quite heavily in the story as the fans will use the site forum to communicate about where they can go and see the band next, etc! So it could be a biography from the band's website or something.

Cheers!

Cath

Trixie at 11:48 on 16 January 2009  Report this post
Love the concept and you have a nice, clean writing style / strong voice. Agree with the points made about those descriptions which are really strong (eg. the nan bit).

But it's difficult to comment too much as there's been no action yet but actually, this allows me to make a major point, as others have hinted at. With teen / kids fiction, you really have to be careful of early information dump - agents hate it and kids get bored. You need to start with action and interweave any character descriptions and info later on. Their actions and dialogue should make it clear what they're like and you can slip little descriptions in with the action (eg. Daniel's irish blue eyes twinkled as he reached for an apple' - ha ha, not quite that but you get what I mean!).

Advice that many agents give is to start your novel a few pages in, ha ha! So start with ACTION!

Ooooh, and be careful of stereotypes and 'token' characters: eg. the token gay characters, token disabled characters. I know these are your characters, just be careful how you describe them. For example, the line 'He’s in a wheelchair, which is really sad' ... !!! That's a no-no ... any disabled kids reading your novel need to be inspired by Daniel, not pity him or feel crap because of the way you describe him.

Anyway, looking forward to reading more. These are just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em. :-)

Trix

Skippoo at 15:13 on 16 January 2009  Report this post
Hi Trixie,

Thanks for your comments.

The token characters are supposed to be token on purpose, i.e. the record company in the novel chose them for that reason. However, as my agent has pointed out, the satire could be lost on my teenage readership, so maybe I have to look at that!

Cath

<Added>

I should have added, actually: I've actually completely changed the information dumping since posting this (it's so long ago, I'd forgot!!). I have since done a prologue at the start which is actually an extract from the Gonna B fansite and tells you about the band (thanks to Colin's suggestion). So the MC now gets straight on with the story and doesn't have to do all those descriptions.


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