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The seed of doubt
Posted: 19 January 2008
Word Count: 50
Summary: Hi Folks. I'm new to this group. Here is my attempt at the 'Suspicion' challenge. Best wishes, Richard
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She was watching him intently.
‘How can you look somebody straight in the eye’, she asked, ‘and lie to them like that? And be so’, she paused, as if searching for the word, ‘so relaxed about it. So good at it.’
And he noticed a change in her. A wariness.
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Comments by other Members
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 tiger_bright at 10:03 on 19 January 2008
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Hi Richard, and welcome to FFI. This is a very nice debut, not least because it's so short (always the hardest flash to write, I find). I liked the man's detached observation - I could see from that last line exactly how he was such a good liar, because he's got an almost-detached perspective on this woman, whom I presume is a lover or else a very close friend. One tiny thing: I read this as being very much from the man's point of view, and think it works really well like that - but you may want to consider editing just one little bit of it to clarify that it's all from his pov:
| she paused, searching for the word |
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There's a sense here that we've slipped into HER pov. Unless that's intentional, I'd consider editing to:
| she paused, as if searching for the word |
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I wanted to believe he was a spy. But that was probably just the Spooks fan in me!
Great flash, thanks for sharing.
Tiger
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rmol1950 at 10:12 on 19 January 2008
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Tiger
Glad you liked it and thank you for a very useful crit. I need more like that. I will change it as you suggest right now.
Best wishes
Richard
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tractor at 10:42 on 19 January 2008
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Hi Richard and welcome,
your short piece has a nice powerful punch. Spot on.
Cheers
Mark
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Forbes at 15:54 on 19 January 2008
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Hi Richard & welcome
Nice début. I could definitely have read more.
Look forward to reading others.
Cheers
Avis
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tusker at 16:04 on 19 January 2008
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Hi Richard,
That was very good. Up to your usal high standard.
Regards,
Jennifer
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 crowspark at 17:54 on 19 January 2008
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Hi Richard and welcome.
I liked this, a tight flash. Very effective.
That middle paragraph is well modulated.
You might consider putting "A wariness." in its own paragraph for added emphasis?
I look forward to reading more of your flashes.
Bill
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rmol1950 at 09:59 on 20 January 2008
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Jennifer and Avis
Thank you. Glad you liked it.
Best wishes
Richard
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rmol1950 at 10:02 on 20 January 2008
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Hi Bill,
Thanks for reading it. I think you are right about the extra line. I did consider it but thought it might start to look like a bad attempt at a poem. Which now I think about it, I might try.
Best wishes
Richard
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crazylady at 14:31 on 20 January 2008
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Hi Richard,
Welcome to FF1.
Ooh! What a lovely observation.
The power has moved in this relationship and you managed to show it in so few words.
Well done.
CL
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 V`yonne at 11:04 on 22 January 2008
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Hello Richard & welcome to FF1 :) You really did an impressive first here. Nice one. Oonah
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