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Kiss
Posted: 10 October 2003
Word Count: 56
Summary: Can't buy me love.......?!
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Prostitutes, I've heard
Standing on corners
Don't kiss their clients
They put up with it
Of course
But for cash
not feelings
A done deal
An act, maybe art
even
Skins touch but
don't get close
You can smell the contempt
for men
who need to pay
and don't mind
when the lips
are snatched away.
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Comments by other Members
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 weebee at 20:17 on 11 October 2003
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My thoughts could have all be summed up in the line ‘nice well writen poem, but it seems to be the standard male point of view and hangs on the current stereotypes of prostitutes.’ I guess the reason for this is its simplicity.
I’ve just read your poem Kick me, where the simplicity works marvellously. But kiss for me and maybe only me would work better if the 'I' was a clearer personality, more frank about what he(?) sees and does. An unexpected twist would be to add a last line i.e. Call an escort/ call me.
cheers,
weebee
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 peterxbrown at 21:33 on 11 October 2003
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Hi weebee, Thanks for taking the trouble to comment on my poem "Kiss". I like your idea of "call me" and it would be a very clever twist.I might nick it for another piece but it doesn't fit the point of this poem.I opened the poem with the line, "Prostitutes, Ive heard..." to allude to the stereotypical dangers of the poem's content and my feigned hypocrisy in not admitting to personal knowledge. It was meant to be ironic.(Obviously failed!) I wrote it around a simple personal feeling about wanting love and failing to replace it with a professional service. Its not a poem about prostitutes or an attempt to be a standard "frank" male viewpoint about buying sex.Its an honest poem about me and my experiences. Its supposed to be ironic,self mocking, self depracating etc. hence the final stupid line about the escort.I am sorry it doesn't work for you but thanks for your kind comments about the other poem (Kick Me). Love and Kisses (Joke!- nearly) peterb
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Account Closed at 21:43 on 11 October 2003
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Peter - lots of great irony in this, but I wonder if it would work better with a subtle rhyme scheme throughout to play on the satire - eg "play" and "away" are fantastic at the end, and cry out for more of the same nearer the beginning - even just one other rhyme nicely spaced?
I understand your comments, but I would be tempted to get rid of the last two lines - you had me punched in the gut at "away" and I didn't need an addition. Just a personal feeling though.
Also there's a spare "n" just before "put".
Anne B
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weebee at 21:53 on 11 October 2003
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I was wondering if the first I should be I’ve, and I was reading the n as will -‘They will put up with it’. I’ll reassess my sensitivity to irony!
hugs weebee
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peterxbrown at 22:14 on 11 October 2003
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Hi HollyB, You are absolutely right about the last two lines. I will drop them. Thanks. I apologise for the extra "n". In my defence.... No, its sloppy and I will check my work better in future, but I am having a problem with my glasses,(no, I don't mean I'm drunk!) honest!
weebee,apalogies for the "n" and thank you for the suggestion about I've, its spot on. Double hugs for both of you.
warm wishes, peterb xx
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pene at 16:10 on 14 October 2003
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Brilliant yet again, I think I understood the emotion behind this, sex without love is a completly different ball game (excuse unintended pun!) to a "normal" healthy relationship, this piece raises many issues about the clients emotions as well as those of the prostitutes, very well done, I like your use of words!!
Best wishes Pene
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Barney at 23:02 on 15 October 2003
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Consistently good, as ever. I like the 'I've heard' in line 1. Is there in case the wife reads it!?
Seriously, though, enjoyed it lots.
Barney
<Added>
Should read 'is it there in case...'
cheers
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Noodles at 13:06 on 19 October 2003
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Hi
Pene (above) says it all for me.
I think the first line explains perfectly about the attitude of the poem.
I'm not sure what a male reaction is as I've always tried to define myself, my work and everything (and everyone) else in terms of
(i)humanity(/i).
Anyway, the poem talks to me...
All the best
Noodles
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peterxbrown at 15:09 on 26 October 2003
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Thank you Pene,Barney and Noodles I appreciate your comments. Love and respect, peterb XXX
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