Login   Sign Up 



 

LABRATS - 1

by Deborah 

Posted: 10 January 2008
Word Count: 1204
Summary: Revised start of Labrats - be very glad to hear your comments and apologies to those who've already been there...


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


LABRATS


THE GAZEBO THING

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

When I’d been lying on my bed aged fifteen or so, my future (and the posters on my wall) looked a bit like this:

(a) David Cassidy, or (b) Donny Osmond (either married to or Living in Sin with, didn’t much mind)…

With:
Gaggle of gorgeous offspring resembling part-above/part me, therefore probably with red-hued and wavy hair but extremely musical.

And:
Lovely big house in the country with pink roses winding round the front door and a place in the city for parties and stuff.

And I’d be baking a lot, singing a lot, dancing round the kitchen table doing both aforementioned a lot and everyone would love me. My hair would be glossy and bouncy and everything I touched would shine. Folk (for that is who I’d be living amongst) would call on me and turn to me and rely on me and I would save days and turn sad days to happy.

Oh God, I was Doris Day. All I had to learn was how to dance slowly enough during the musical section to allow everyone else in the street to catch on and join in. That's how it was supposed to work. Well, wasn't it?
Anyway.

So…

If someone had told me that by the age of thirty-five I’d have been married five years to a handsome and successful Latino lawyer, have a beautiful little daughter of four and be living in a white cottage (yeah, with a white fence too) I’d have been shamefully delighted.

The fact that I was now spending a week in August holed up in my parents poxy back garden in Netherstock enveloped by some elaborate excuse for a gazebo would have had me snorting into my Bacardi and Coke. Loudly. Messily probably.

Mind you, if someone had told me I wouldn’t be having my hair coiffed every six weeks; wouldn’t have the enthusiasm or energy to stare at every available mirror I passed and would be wearing minimal make-up with no sign of a (returning) waistline I’d have probably drowned in whatever I’d been drinking at the time – of shame.

You see it wasn’t so much the marriage, husband, daughter-thing that was the problem - I’d grown quite accustomed to the way things had turned out - very nicely to a point thank you - no, it was more the gazebo-thing that perplexed me so.

One of my reasons for getting married was so that I could begin a new family and loosen the chains of my original family bonds – show my parents how it was supposed to be. MY marriage was going to be better, more fun, more attuned, more, well … ‘Walton’esque – with everyone hugging a lot and cooking for an entire community and shoulders available to all at the drop of a bonnet.

And it kind of was for a while.

When we’d lived together it had been. We’d always had people round for Sunday lunch, evening suppers; any day was a good reason for having people round and entertaining - even my parents. We liked it and let’s face it; we were bloody good at it. Although after about eighteen months of never having been invited back to anyone else’s it sort of dwindled slightly. ‘We’ decided that ‘We’d’ had enough of being taken for granted.

Actually it wouldn’t have bothered me to be honest, I would have carried on cooking and entertaining for as long as guests had the capacity to be entertained and the money for the taxi ride home afterwards. No, it had been Roberto who’d sowed the seed of doubt in my mind and watered it generously.

I’d guessed that a suspicious mind was bound to stem from spending so much time in the company of – and representing in Court, no less - lying, deceitful little toe-rags down the Magistrates’ every day and I’d accepted the way he’d thought. Compromise. Give and Take – all chapters in the Big Book of Pre-Marital Stuff. He’d probably have to put up with a hell of a lot worse from me if my parents were to be believed.

‘I pity the poor bugger that ends up with you my lady’, my father had oft been heard informing me.

‘He’d have to have no brains in his head whatsoever to put up with some of the stupid ideas you come out with my girl’ was another. (I’d been asking if I could stay on at school and do A-levels when I received this one).

Who me? Emotionally damaged? Who knows?!


HERE’S THE THING

Everyone remembers what happened on their wedding night, don’t they? A bit like the Kennedy Assassination, Princess Diana’s death, the Twin Towers - depending on your age. Roberto had got so pissed he spent all night throwing up in the bridal suite’s ensuite and I’d been so disappointed and dismayed that it was the end of the whole wonderful day (and possibly so pained by all that smiling) that I’d cried myself to sleep still wearing my wedding dress. I still refused to take it off when breakfast had been brought to our room the following morning.

I think I’d have had it stuffed and mounted if it had been an option.

The Honeymoon was less enjoyable. Two days later we were in Funchal. Here we were to proudly display our His ‘n’ Hers H. Samuel wedding rings and skip gaily through the sunny streets holding hands and wishing for all the world that everyone could be as happy as we were.

A week in and we were bored and wanted to come home. The island was apparently holding some cycling mega-marathon and at the same time some huge political figures had decided to begin discussions in top-secret style round the corner from our Hotel. What with frogs mating underneath our balcony all night, helicopters whirring loudly overhead from dawn ‘til breakfast and then finding all the roads cordoned off for the bike race, we’d had enough. With another week booked, paid for but very unwanted, we concocted a tale of family bereavement and were flown home a week early to the derision of many friends who couldn’t believe how anyone could get bored whilst on a honeymoon, not less a foreign holiday that had been given as a wedding present. Well, we insisted, we had…. Got bored that is. We’d done all the usual sex & stuff on the balcony in full view of other balconies and walked through all the gardens and eaten all the local delicacies and just decided we wanted to be home instead. Hadn’t ‘We’?. Besides there’d been no beach to speak of, no pool at the hotel and Rob had begun to get very tired of my sexual ‘demands’.

Ho Hum.

Was this how it was supposed to happen?

Dangerously George & Mildred.

Not so much Mildred’s mouthy, brash insinuations that her beloved was a damp excuse for sexual fulfilment, no, I had more of the ‘Mildred-inside’. I couldn’t let her out, though because believe it or not I actually wasn’t sure how overt I could be with Mr Right - but never ‘right-now’!

Oh dear.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



sazenfrog at 20:17 on 10 January 2008  Report this post
Hello Deborah

I thought this was a terrific start full of latent tension. I didn't quite get the Gazebo thing but I presume that comes later and this is introducing us to the gazebo theme?

There were one or two lines that didn't really work for me:
Oh God, I was Doris Day. Those musicals have a lot to answer for. And still nobody knows the steps to any dance I decide to break out into in the street - however slowly you go to let people catch on a bit.

I didn't quite see how the sentence starting 'And still nobody' followed on logically from the beginning of the paragraph. Or indeed the idea of the MC dancing in the street?

Mind you, if someone had told me I wouldn’t be having my hair coiffed every six weeks; wouldn’t have the enthusiasm or energy to stare at every available mirror I passed and would be wearing minimal make-up with no sign of a (returning) waistline I’d have probably drowned in whatever I’d been drinking at the time – of shame.

I got confused with all the negatives here and can't work out what it is she's doing or not doing.

Is she staying in the gazebo? I thought a gazebo was an open structure.

Otherwise I thought you introduced the idea of sexual incompatibility elegantly and the general dissatisfaction she feels with her life.

Great stuff.

Saz


Luisa at 21:50 on 10 January 2008  Report this post
Ooh, Debs, it's so brilliant to read this again.

Roberto's making me grrr already!

And I just love the way you use subheadings.

Um, I can't really think of anything to criticise, sorry. Welcome back, though. :)

Luisa



Lola Dane at 11:57 on 11 January 2008  Report this post
Hello!
Loved this (weirdly similar in some places to my own experiences... so was very much reading it and nodding over and over in agreement while smiling).

I agree with Saz, a few sentences were a little clunky for me... It's as if they could work but don't just yet and need a little tweak here and there.

And still nobody knows the steps to any dance I decide to break out into in the street - however slowly you go to let people catch on a bit.

I love the IDEA of this line, but I don't think it works. It could though - and be brilliant.

I'm also a little gazebo baffled... the first few pars just have me trying to figure out where your MC is coming from, but the rest (the entertaining/ wedding/ honeymoon stuff) is perfect.

Particularly loved
I think I’d have had it stuffed and mounted if it had been an option.

I think everyone feels that way about her wedding dress. (Oh, just to fit into mine again).

We’d done all the usual sex & stuff on the balcony in full view of other balconies and walked through all the gardens and eaten all the local delicacies and just decided we wanted to be home instead.


Just LOL at that.

I'm really looking forward to reading more.




ang at 13:51 on 11 January 2008  Report this post
Hi Deborah,
This is a great start.
It's really got a light hearted humour mixed with tension, which is an original combination. I'm just waiting for everything to come caving in around her ears.
I flew through this and it's got a fast pace and good flow to it.
I'd definitely be pleased if I'd bought this book and would be looking forward to reading more.
Angela :)

Deborah at 16:30 on 11 January 2008  Report this post
Thanks you lot. A lot.
Yeah, I get the point on the musical and dance steps and stuff... I think I digress a little too much from what I'm talking about - I should just stick with the story and forget all the images that pop into my head... sometimes they just don't work... and I end up saying something that doesn't even come across right.
The Gazebo is what she's sitting under having these thoughts at the moment. Will def. become a bit more 'real' soon. It's in her parent's garden and she can't believe she's there and not revelling in the bosom of her perfect family she remembers creating. That's why she's recalling events.
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the vvv helpful comments - I'll get onto them right away!
Debs x

manicmuse at 06:28 on 12 January 2008  Report this post
Hi Deborah,
6.24 on Sat morning and I can't sleep so here I am! I loved this, zipped right through it (although I have to confess to reading all the above comments halfway through so I felt that the gazebo, where she was, the fact that she can't quite believe whats unfolding etc was clear to me) I do agree that had I not read them first, I would have been a bit confused. (Clear as mud? It is early!)

I love the fast zappy pace and use of capitalised subheadings and something tells me I'm going to hate the Roberto guy.....

Fx

Deborah at 10:51 on 12 January 2008  Report this post
10.46 on Sat morning (full of head cold and coughing like a seal) I could sleep forever... thank you so so much for your comment, has brightened me up no end. Glad you like it and got the Gazebo bit (with help from commenteers).. Let's not judge Roberto just yet, eh... he might surprise us all!
Glad you all like the subheadings. Started off as chap. headings but still unsure as to how to split the whole thing up... 'cept by 'Things'.
Sniffles, dribbles and warm fuzzy hugs to you all (Night Nurse induced no doubt)
Debs x

Account Closed at 20:17 on 12 January 2008  Report this post
Lurved it, very good, lots of atmosphere and emotion in the writing. Fun to read. Nothing to criticize.

Sidewinder at 11:39 on 13 January 2008  Report this post
I really enjoyed this. Must admit, I too was confused by the gazebo thing. I thought she was back living in her parents' house and living in the gazebo!

I agree with Claire about the dancing in the street line - it's almost great, but doesn't quite work at the moment. I don't think you should abandon it though, just rework it - it has the potential to be great. Images like this can add a lot of colour, and insight into the character - her sense of fun, etc.

I love the way you introduce her disillusionment with marriage and her husband - starting with the wedding night! I'm dying to know more about Roberto and what's gone wrong between them. I'd definitely be turning the pages on this one.

I think I’d have had it stuffed and mounted if it had been an option.

LOL!

Clodagh


kezza at 19:33 on 15 January 2008  Report this post
Ooh, it's so good to read this again! Just as fabulous as I remembered! Nothing to add. :)

K x


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .