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My Hero
Posted: 08 January 2008
Word Count: 100
Summary: super flash challenge. jeez.
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The line jags up and down as it records the murmurings of his heart. Diastolic, and the other one. The one that was first too high, and after the diets and surgeries, too low.
After three days of watching Bugs Bunny, Dad’s face seems less dead, and I am surprised the nurse doesn’t notice.
“He looks tanner today, Doc.” I’ve been calling everyone “doc.” I click the “c.”
I know that these things relate to swellings of cheek cavities, of blood backups and all things bad that have subtle positives.
The nurse smiles like someone who doesn’t understand the language.
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Comments by other Members
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 tiger_bright at 18:16 on 08 January 2008
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Great drabble, Jordan, I really liked the forced cheerfulness of the narrator. This line was great:
| After three days of watching Bugs Bunny, Dad’s face seems less dead, and I am surprised the nurse doesn’t notice. |
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The nurse's smile, and her silence, is telling, I suspect. Dad's not getting better, is he?
Tiger
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tiger_bright at 18:18 on 08 January 2008
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Just a thought - feel free to ignore it - but would 'jags' be better than 'juts' in that opening line? Maybe conjures the image of the line, and the desperate message it conveys, more powerfully?
Tiger
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 V`yonne at 19:58 on 08 January 2008
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It's a nice take on the helplessness of the onlooker and the lack of comprehensilbe communication between the medics and the relatives because of the language and the degree of emotional involvement.
It says a terrific lot in few words. Nicely done!
Oonah
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 Prospero at 06:36 on 09 January 2008
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Excellent, Jordan.
A very good sense of place and situation.
Best
Prosp
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Dreamer at 04:23 on 10 January 2008
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Hi Jordan,
Liked this. Coveys a lot in few words.
My only problem stems from my medical background. The line I presume refers to an EKG? Or is it a pressure graph? Either way, 'murmurings, while poetic, did not sit well with me, but as I say, it is probably just the scientific background so feel free to ignore as no one else noticed it.
'The line jags up and down as it records the murmurings of his heart.'
Thanks for the great read.
Best,
B.
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Jumbo at 14:14 on 10 January 2008
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Very powerful. Dramatic and sad, with a deep personal slant from the relative.
But I wonder if that same relative thinks he knows what is going on, but in fact knows very little?
A little knowledge ... and all that!
Thanks for the read
john
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titania177 at 09:16 on 11 January 2008
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Jordan, a great drabble, saying so much in so few words, the despair, the hopelessness, yet the little glimmer of hope of the son/daughter, in the face of the nurse's unwillingness to feed that hope. The great juxtaposition of Bugs Bunny with the dying man, says so much.
Thank you!
Tania
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tractor at 10:58 on 11 January 2008
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Hi Jordan,
you've captured that horrible time in the hospital where someone we love is seriously ill and things can go either way. We fool ourselves into seeing positive signs or torture our souls overe things we have no need to worry about. Powerful stuff.
Cheers
Mark
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choille at 13:27 on 11 January 2008
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Very effective flash - saying so much about the emotions of the ones close to the dying.
Didn't know what diastolic was - so found that a little halting.
All the best
Caroline
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 crowspark at 17:06 on 12 January 2008
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Hi Jordan
Great drabble, powerful and effective.
I didn't get this line straight off
| “He looks tanner today, Doc.” I’ve been calling everyone “doc.” I click the “c.” |
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If it's a problem you could change it to
“He looks tanner today, Doc.” I’ve been calling everyone “doc.” Just like Bugs Bunny.
Good hook and effective delivery. A difficult subject to tackle with just 100 words.
Good job.
Bill
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Comments by other Members
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