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Escape
Posted: 07 January 2008
Word Count: 77
Summary: Week 184 challenge
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Resentful, she watches from a hillock his kite zigzagging, its tail teasing the wind with ripples of burnt orange. Now reds, yellows, greens spin above her like an exotic bird ready to drop shit on top of her head.
Despite being earthbound, she knows his imagination soars high with the kite to plummet low,then swooping upwards once more, skimming over coarse grass as his soul attempts to escape from the clutches of her; the malevolent black bird.
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Comments by other Members
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 Forbes at 18:43 on 07 January 2008
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Jennifer
One tiny pick - I'd have put a semi-colon after hillock.
You've still got 13 words over.
The piece is very evocotive.
It seems more than time for her to get out of this destructive relationship. Self pity and anger ooze from the words - most effective.
Raises for me lots of unanswerable questions, and makes me want to shake her. She should go fly her own kite, and sod him!
TFR
Avis
<Added>
...or even evocative! What we need on this site is a spell checker!!
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 V`yonne at 22:08 on 07 January 2008
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I haven't read it yet Jen, because I never do until I've written mine and well...?????
BUT as for Forbes, | She should go fly her own kite, and sod him! |
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inside, the girl is a piece of sugar spun silk! HONEST. ;)
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tiger_bright at 09:16 on 08 January 2008
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Hi Avis, I really liked this, the kite representing the man's character and also his desire to escape. I actually read it first time as a boy and his mother, which works equally well. I found the sentiment of the watcher quite moving, wistful until the very end. I could see why she was fascinated by the kite-flyer and why she felt he wanted to escape, but I didn't feel that he necessarily resented her in the way that she believed he did. I liked the ambiguity, very much. Lovely flash.
Tiger
<Added>
Bah! I meant to say "Hi Jennifer" - sorry!
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V`yonne at 11:42 on 08 January 2008
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I loved the sense of swirling colour that you got into this by continuing colour from one sentence to the next. :)
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tusker at 15:40 on 08 January 2008
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Well thank you all for your kind comments.
Regards,
Jennifer
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 Prospero at 06:46 on 09 January 2008
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This is super, Jennifer. The swooping and looping of the kite brought hard down to earth by that stunning final phrase 'the malevolent black bird'.
Great stuff!
Best
Prosp
P.S. You can change the title in owner edit if you want too. It is only comments you can't change.
Prosp
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Dreamer at 03:59 on 10 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
Interesting drabble, as they say, evocative. Only suggestion. I would change the order of this: 'she watches from a hillock his kite zigzagging', to: 'she watches his kite zigzagging from a hillock'.
Thanks for the interesting read.
B.
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Prospero at 05:05 on 10 January 2008
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I can see your intention, Brian, but actually, in your version the kite is zigzagging from the hillock, which is doesn't make sense until you put a comma after zigzagging. May I suggest. 'From a hillock, she watches his kite zigzagging'
Feel free to ignore all this Jennifer, it is your story after al.
Best
Prosp.
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Jumbo at 13:48 on 10 January 2008
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Jennifer
Beautiful. Loved the colours and the way that our words seem to mimic the dipping and swirling of the kite.
Thanks for the read. Most satsfying and enjoyble.
Regards
john
ps Prosp and Dreamer - and what happens to that word 'resentful'? It can't be left out, can it.
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titania177 at 09:04 on 11 January 2008
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Jennifer,
lovely piece - a little too short to be a drabble, but never mind! - and I liked the contrast between the beautiful colours of the kite and the "ready to drop shit on top of her head."
Thanks!
Tania
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tractor at 11:19 on 11 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer,
very visual and emotional, which I like.
Cheers
Mark
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choille at 13:21 on 11 January 2008
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Very nice with the colours & quite dark with all the resentment & the evil intentions all portrayed by flying a kite.
I found this very visual.
All the best
Caroline.
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tusker at 13:25 on 11 January 2008
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Hi Mark and the two J's etc for your comments. Great discussion between you all.
Regards,
Jennifer
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 optimist at 21:31 on 11 January 2008
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I liked the ambiguity and the colours and that final image of 'the malevolent black bird.' Thanks for the read.
Sarah
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 crowspark at 13:29 on 12 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer
Great first paragraph, very visual with the movement and the colour.
Like the way you use the kite in the second paragraph to link with his imagination and independence.
I wanted to know who the "her" was in
| to escape from the clutches of her |
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which might also have shown why he was
| ready to drop shit on top of her head |
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Good writing and strong images.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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