The Present
Posted: 02 January 2008 Word Count: 190 Summary: Week 183 Flash 1 challenge
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Cathy watched him enter her bedroom. Saw him place presents at the end of her bed. Noticed, through half closed eyes, that he wore a familiar blue dressing gown and not a red suit she'd expected.
Fretting, she stayed awake until her small brother's shouts reached her from the next bedroom. Getting up, switching on her bedside lamp, she sank down onto her knees. The music centre, she'd asked for, seemed dingy in gentle light. The stocking, bulging with secret gifts, hung limply on the bed post.
Taking it down, tipping out the contents, sweets, fruit, nuts fell out onto the carpet. One misshapened gift, wrapped in Christmas paper, felt odd in her hand. Unwrapping it, a turkey's head flopped onto her lap, its beak open as if in a silent cry of pain.
For a frozen moment, she stared down into dead eyes before sheer terror struck. Yelling, scrambling to her feet, she wrenched back the curtains. Yanking open the bedroom window, she hurled the turkey head outside. Then, with a soft thud, it landed on the outhouse roof before tumbling over and over, staining fresh snow with blood.
Comments by other Members
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Forbes at 16:14 on 02 January 2008
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Ooh-er missus! I thought it was going to be a joke head.
And the yells from next door - whatever did her bro get in HIS stocking?
She's not related to my lot is she?!!!
TFR
Avis
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V`yonne at 16:55 on 02 January 2008
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ICKY ICKY YUK YUK, Jennifer. Which Mafia family did this Santa belong to? :)
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optimist at 18:36 on 02 January 2008
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Not sure I will ever look at stockings in the same way again - so was it her brother? EEEW - or should that be YEURCH?
Very effective :)
Sarah
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Jumbo at 19:14 on 02 January 2008
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Crikey!
I was expecting something soft and fluffy, not something soft and bloody. :)
This is great writing. I like it.
Thanks for the read
Cheers
john
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tiger_bright at 14:12 on 04 January 2008
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Yes it's the Mafia Christmas, and another warning to the carnivores among us. Great writing, excellent debut to FFI - congratulations!
Tiger
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titania177 at 16:27 on 05 January 2008
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Wow, Jennifer, gruesome! This Red on the Snow challenge brought out some quiet disturbing tales. Very well written, well told, I am totally intrigued as to who would leave this kid a turkey's head! Ah, yes, probably the evil brother!
One small nit: "The music centre, she'd asked for, seemed dingy in gentle light. " - you don't need to commas.
Thanks for a great read!
Tania
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choille at 19:33 on 05 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer - Welcome,
What a wonderful debut - how horrid.
I once got a headless doll as a present when I was little from a nursery mate - she said she liked the head too much to give it to me. Wonder what ever happened to her...........
I really like it, but I found the first sentence a tad tell with 'before sheer terror struck' I love the ending the vision of the head tumbling down the roof - very vivid I thought.
Bruvvers - eh?
All the best
Caroline.
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crowspark at 23:14 on 05 January 2008
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Hi Jennifer
Great flash! Good hook in the opening paragraph. I expected her father.
Nice touch of unease creeps in with your word choices:
The music centre, she'd asked for, seemed dingy in gentle light. The stocking, bulging with secret gifts, hung limply on the bed post. |
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Unwrapping it, a turkey's head flopped onto her lap, its beak open as if in a silent cry of pain. |
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Great spooky moment that works really well.
I agree with Caroline. I think you can cut, "before sheer terror struck"
Wonderful debut flash.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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tusker at 14:44 on 06 January 2008
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Hi to you all.
It's a true story. Dad did it.
Regards,
Jennifer
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