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At The Till

by Zettel 

Posted: 10 December 2007
Word Count: 102
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At The Till


The old man’s
dying eyes
stared at me
cut to my soul
at the till

he knew and he knew
I knew too
gasping for breath
each defiant grasp
for life only
lasted two words
and then another
I am dying rattle
clutched my heart
at the till

I tried to put
every ounce
of comfort
I could find
into my tone
not my words
for they would
as they always do
lie

no consolation
no recompense
no relief
no solace
no escape
I met death today
face to face
at the till

and I could not
stop crying







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Comments by other Members



J1mbo at 21:36 on 11 December 2007  Report this post
I like this. I wonder what the two words are? 'Help me' or something like that? I think it might help to lose the last line.

I thought the first two stanzas were very good. Had be wondering.
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joanie at 21:58 on 11 December 2007  Report this post
Hi Z. I like the repetition here, which emphasises the desperate hopelessness of the situation. (Unless I am totally wrong!) One thing - why are there capitals at
Every ounce
Of comfort
This caused me to falter..... perhaps that was your intention!

As I read, my mind forms a vivid picture despite myself, which is what it's all about!!

Mmmm.... I found myself pondering this.. well done!

joanie
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Zettel at 23:57 on 11 December 2007  Report this post
Thanks Jimbo and Joannie

I'd missed the capitals Joannie

I'd felt exactly myself Jimbo that the rhythm felt better without the 'at the till' but then allowed structural neatness to rule - never a good idea. Rhythm must ALWAYS rule OK?

Thanks both.

It was a very upsetting experience and caught me completely by surprise. This man could only conduct a conversation in two word steps with a gasp in between. What I think hit me unexpectedly was that he was ordering books! In a sense - looking forward. The moment just knocked me completely sideways.

Z
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DeepBlueGypsy at 15:30 on 12 December 2007  Report this post
I get such a vivid picture of this-wow! I'm sure that encounter will stay with you for the rest of your life. Thanks for putting it into words. Divi
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DeepBlueGypsy at 15:30 on 12 December 2007  Report this post
I get such a vivid picture of this-wow! I'm sure that encounter will stay with you for the rest of your life. Thanks for putting it into words. Divi
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V`yonne at 17:04 on 12 December 2007  Report this post
Chilling for you. The ending says it all. Oonah
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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Zettel at 00:49 on 14 December 2007  Report this post
Thanks DBG and V'yonne

regards

Z
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Tina at 08:12 on 14 December 2007  Report this post
Hi Z

LAte to this and much has been said but small moments of compassion mean a lot and there is so little of it about - or so much depending on where you look and how.

Sad sad sad

thanks
Tina
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Zettel at 11:15 on 14 December 2007  Report this post
Thanks Tina

Z
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