‘Forgive me father for I have sinned. At least I think I have. Half the time I’m not sure because it just feels like innocent fun. I was saying just that last…..’

‘In the name of the fath…..’

‘…..night to the barmaid in the Salutation Inn. What a lovely girl she is Father. Terrible well built if you get my meaning but a lovely amenable nature. I took your advice about avoiding salacious, lovely word that father, thoughts and told her sternly to cover herself up. I even offered to do up the buttons myself I did, but she just gave me that smile. Jaysus but that’s enough……..’

‘Do not take the Lord’s name in vain…….’

‘….to make any man drink Father. Only five pints of Guinness now though Father. I’ve cut right down just like you said. That and a couple of small nips of the Black Bush before bed Father and I go to sleep all glowing and righteous I do Father. I do have one terrible bad sin to confess though Father, I…..’

‘Confess my Son and ……’

‘….stole a pie. Couldn’t resist it. It was just sitting there on the bar and there were plenty of them so, God help me, I took two more. Then I pretended to go outside for a smoke and ate them terrible fast. You did tell me I had to eat something didn’t you Father so you could say you were a bad influence. Sorry Father only joking. Nearly choked on the last pie, so I did, trying to get it down me neck when this fella spoke to me. Flashy English bastard…….

‘Language my Son! This is God’s hou……’

‘….driving a Jag. Why do all these plummy Englishmen get the good jobs and the big cars and the good looking women. Asked me for directions he did, so I told him he would be better off not starting from here. No sense of humour at all and the bastard……’

‘That was not very charitable…’

‘…called me an un-christian name, so he did Father, and splashed me as he drove away so I threw a brick at his car, God help me with this temper, and then I ducked back into the pub. And that’s when I committed the next sin. I lied about the pie father….’

‘I hope nobody was hurt by the brick ….’

‘….when the landlord asked me if I had taken one and I told him yes I had just gone outside to get the money to pay for it, so I did, and he believed me. God help me but I didn’t have the money to pay for three so I didn’t. I will pay when I get me dole money…..

‘My Son the lie is just one small part of……..’

‘…..and I have high hopes of suitable employment in the near future Father. The type of jobs they have been offering me lately have not been at all suitable. Can you believe they wanted me to be a toilet attendent, can you believe that…..’

‘Humility, my Son, is a virtue….’

‘….father, a toilet attendant. Anyway Father, I hope you’re not going to give me too many Hail Marys this week father. I had to go home and lie down while I said them last week.’

‘Lord have mercy….