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The Bully

by Jordan789 

Posted: 14 November 2007
Word Count: 255
Summary: The Animal Heart Flash Challenge - Although I couldn't get Nest in there


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


The packed train hobbles along. Tom leans forward in his seat with his knees spread wide, one juts between two people who grasp the handrail, and his other strains against the knee of the lady seated beside him. This woman sighs repeatedly, offers her best scowl, and finally retaliates to the intrusion by kicking his paint-speckled work boot with her Asics walking shoes.

“Excuse me,” she says, and, with her leg, she pushes back against his.

“The hell with you, lady,” Tom says and then spreads his own legs out even more.

The twitch of his leg knocks her knees together, and she lets out a small gasp. “The nerve,” she says, and then with slightly less gumption, “there are other people on this subway, too.”

Nearby, James watches. His slender eyebrows prop up. He looks around for someone who might have noticed the altercation, who might do something about it.
No one else was watching. Or if they were, now they don’t care. They read. They stare at advertisements along the wall or play games on their cell phones. The woman squirms. James swallows a gulp of saliva, and says, with a solid, clear, tone, “Do you mind, sir? This isn’t your living room.”

Tom’s face remains stone and grit, but his eyes fire to the source of the agitation, this skinny guy in the black wool coat, leather gloves, his clear complexion, his hair feathered and tucked behind his large ears.

“I’m going to break your fucking nose.” Tom says.

And he does.






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Comments by other Members



choille at 17:06 on 14 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

Apart from Asics walking shoes & lazy boy it reads smooth.(Only coz I don't know what they are).
There are quite a few descriptions that could be trimmed to tighten it (& get it nearer the word count) eg
with slightly less gumption,
It kinda gives the narrator the same arrogance as Tom - I felt - that maybe your intention.

The ending is a real punch - great. Somehow it's simplicity makes it have even more of an impact.
All the best
Caroline

Jumbo at 22:58 on 14 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan

The brutality - and finality - of those closing sentences hits you quite hard.

But even so I feel it leaves the reader mildly disorientated and lost, and whilst that may have been your intention, it also left me feeling that there was more to be said here - much more to be explored. (Despite - but maybe because of - the 250 word limit!)

Like Caroline, Asics threw me a bit - it took me out of the scene for a few moments - but the only pick I noticed is that the period/full-stop after nose should be a comma. Very picky, I suppose.

I was also surprised by the style of the dialogue. Is this set in America? I guessed so from the word 'subway', but I might well be wrong. But having decided that it was in the US, the line “Do you mind, sir? This isn’t your own personal lazy-boy.” seems really out of context. James sounds like an escapee from Eton or Harrow. (And yes, what is a lazy-boy?)

Tom's short line of dialgue doesn't give much away. So tell me, please, is this America? Or some other place.

Thanks for the read

john



Prospero at 04:44 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

An interesting vignette of urban life that could just as easily be London as New York. Here we have the working guy with a grudge against the world, looking to beat on somebody and here we have the decent citizen stepping up to take the punch.

I Googled Asics, generically we call such shoes trainers in the U.K. and I believe a lazy-boy is a reclining chair.

Thanks for the read

John

Jordan789 at 06:16 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Hello all,

I was hoping that "Asics walking shoes" would be enough to tell the reader that they are... sneakers. With the lazy-boy, I figured it could be discerned by the context, or, at worst, a small google search for you UKers. But I had more in there previously, describing his posture, which I removed. I should probably change that dialogue slightly. Guess I will.

Anyhow. Jumbo: I'm wondering what you felt disoriented you in the piece, and what do you think I can do about that? Is it a lack of character development? No real motivation? Those were problems I thought that the piece might have. What do you think did it, and what do you think I can do to fix it?

Thanks all,

Jordan

<Added>

Do we use the term "living room" in the UK?

Forbes at 11:19 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan

A neat slice of commuting life. I remember it well. You bring out the aggression very well, and the faint hearted rescue.

I would change the title to give less away - something like "8:05 Train to Boston New Street" or some such, you get my drift. It would make us focus more on the scene and not the troublemaker.

Discard at will.

TFR

Avis

Elbowsnitch at 11:20 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Hmm, Jordan - some nice description in this piece, but I think you're going to have decide whose story it is - Tom's or James's? The story reads fine up to 'Nearby, James watches'. The point of view change doesn't quite work. I would stay with Tom.

Frances

V`yonne at 15:17 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
I have a lazy boy recliner in my "living room". Some people say sitting room, others lounge - but they're posh.

Sneakers or trainers would have been easier for us but I daresay in a US market...

He really is a nasty that Tom. Of course as with any bully he is also a coward and picks on
this skinny guy in the black wool coat, leather gloves, his clear complexion, his hair feathered and tucked behind his large ears.


I think phrases like “The hell with you, lady,” place the piece more likely in the US.

Oonah

Jordan789 at 18:03 on 15 November 2007  Report this post


Thanks for reading and commenting.

Oonah: Thanks for the cultural lessons. =)

Forbes: I agree with you on the title issue.

Frances: That was one of my concerns in writing the piece. I guess I don't want it to be anyone's story though, more a simple event. I might doodle on some about it today, to see if I come up with anything I like. I don't know what works in this business.

-Jordan


tiger_bright at 18:24 on 15 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan, you packed a lot into this flash and a think as a "snapshot" of commuting hell it works well. I think the pov change to James's sets up an expectation that he is going to deal with The Bully but, for all that, I rather liked the way Tom grabbed the story back for his own at the end. That is the nature of the bully, after all.

Tiger

Dreamer at 03:17 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

Being Canadian, I was not confused by Lazy-boy or sneakers or living room. Got to go easy on these Brits though, it doesn't take much to confuse em.

I really struggle with these ultra small word counts and you have packed in a lot in the limited venue.

I would have liked to know a little bit about why Tom was in such a foul humour.

I don't think you need 'now' here. Stronger without it.
Or if they were, now they don’t care.


Sounds like James was probably picked on as a kid and this is the first time he stood up for someone else. Too bad it ended so negatively. Suppose that's life.

Thanks for the read.

Brian.

yoyodama at 04:28 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Hey Jordan.

That "And he does," I think, has a really nice kind of complexity about it, as if the piece were more about the broken nose, and pushing toward something else.

My only thought is that maybe the prose could be tightened a bit to increase its sense of charged, urgency.

This is meant only as an example, surely not a dictate, nor an attempt to usurp your power as a writer:

The packed train hobbles along. Tom leans forward in his seat with his knees spread wide, one juts between two people who grasp the handrail, and his other strains against the knee of the lady seated beside him.<b>-->The packed train hobbles along. Tom leans forward, his knees spread wide, one between two people who grasp the handrail, his other against the knee of the lady beside him.</b>

Just a thought,


Randall

crazylady at 19:32 on 16 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan,
A bleak tale of anger and alienation.
I've been on packed trains in Asia & UK - the difference is remarkable.
There is a serenity in Asia which allows each person some respect.
In contrast the tension in London in rush hour always scares me.
I don't understand why this should be, but your story catches the angst of the Western version.
TFR
CL

Cholero at 20:01 on 17 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan

I thought this was excellent, v enjoyable, sharp and tight.

However I was thrown by the fact that James was named -POV went all sort of seasick on me. I wonder if maybehe was just referred to as 'a man' or 'a young man'' or some such, we might stay closer in our perspective to the animal heart, which is what is so effective here I feel.

Anyway, just a thought.

Nice writing.

Pete

crowspark at 21:39 on 17 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan
I have come to this late and I guess from the comments that there have been some changes.
Well what you have here works for me. Your observations fit UK underground as well as the US subways. I enjoyed it a lot.
Thanks for the read.

Bill


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