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That Dirty Old Road down There Way Down

by Jordan789 

Posted: 10 November 2007
Word Count: 590
Summary: For this week's challenge. Of course. Road To Ruin, The. Etc.


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The moon is sailing above the city in a big smiling face, and the people stroll past the park, towards the next bar, restaurant, club, or wherever the good people go. I sit on the bench with arms spread open as if wrapped around two of my very good friends. I watch the people and the apartments and office suites, way up high, and the occasional window burning the blue dim of a television set. I have rum to drink, and I think about the unfortunate fortunates out there and it makes me sigh.
“Old man, old man, down by the sea shore,” I sing to put my mind somewhere else. “Where could you gone? Old man, old man, down by the sea shore, where got you gone?”

I have a good, raspy blues voice, and I can impress Louis Armstrong if he would just come back to life and join me.

Somewhere I lose track of myself and my voice climbs too high across these buildings and the next thing I know I swig the bottle and two policemen are walking towards me. The thing with police officers is, unless you run, they never say anything unless they are close enough to speak in a regular, supper time voice.

“What you like to hear, officers? I know it all.”

They smile at me. I think they smile. ”You can’t be in the park after dark. That’s why we put up the barriers.”

“I didn’t see any barriers, officers.” But I found a gap in them, earlier, and walked right through. One starts to disagree. He’s about to put me in my place, but I cut him off. “Officers, I don’t mean to cause anyone any harm, but I do believe I have the right to sing here in this lonely park. What do you want to hear? I’ll sing you a song for no charge.”

They don’t want to hear my songs, but they let me keep my bottle as long as I kindly move along.

As I kindly move along I pass all sorts of people, mostly nice, well-to-do folk, some a little drunk and happy, and other bums like me, trying to fend off the November cold, all wrapped up under the construction awnings. They should know the good beds are in the subways where it’s warm, as long as you bring a blanket, or a newspaper to cover your face.

“Down man, old man, see the sea shore,” now I don’t know what I am singing, but, just like Louis, I make it up as I go along. It doesn’t matter because I feel warm and the cold air feels good, and up ahead the shadows on the pavement play some pretty tricks on me. A bus drives past and shines its light in my face, and I can’t see for a good minute. After my eyes settle the shapes start to pop back into and out of focus. I see this something, grey and black like a giant cat’s paw print. I see this ragged edge like a giant holding a tin can. I don’t know. The dark can be beautiful sometimes. Frightening, though. I take a closer look, and slowly the shapes all disappear, change back into a pile of garbage bags, and a wall with some posters tagged to it of a woman’s head, cocked backwards, mouth open, song notes blaring, hair twisted black and white. She’s singing a love song to her cat, while her Mama gets raped in the other room.






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Comments by other Members



optimist at 12:09 on 10 November 2007  Report this post
Very powerful, Jordan - and disconcerting. Thanks for the read.

Sarah

choille at 17:15 on 10 November 2007  Report this post
Very powerful as already said with the city images shown through the down & out's eyes. A very disturbing ending leaving the reader to wonder what is real & what is drunken illusion.

I think the drunk singing works really well- to block out the here and now - take him somewhere else. & the police officers letting him 'kindly move along' lovely echo by the drunk as he does - 'kindly' move along.

Unusual descriptions that are haunting 'supper voice.'

Found the 'unforunate fortunates' very philosphical also.

Rather good flash - but the ending too much - overly abrupt & shocking for me.....possibly me being too sensitive, but it comes in to quickly a bit too much of a bang.
Sorry can't express what I mean properly at the moment, but loved it all very much apart from the very last bit.

All the best
Caroline.

titania177 at 19:39 on 10 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan, seems like this guy isn't on the road to ruin anymore, he's already arrived. I like his sense of humour, his witty yet sad observations, his distinctive voice
the shadows on the pavement play some pretty tricks on me.


I agree that the last line was very shocking and seemed a little out of place with the semi-playful tone that preceded it.
Great flash, thanks for the read.

Tania

V`yonne at 19:57 on 10 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan, I liked the last line. It's like he's being brutalised by the street, losing any hope of getting back to a
regular supper time voice
. Everything is becoming more raucous including his own songs and he's losing meaning but there's enough awareness in him still to be polite and to be frightened.
The dark can be beautiful sometimes. Frightening, though


It's a terrifying spiral you've deacribed.

Oonah

Forbes at 23:21 on 10 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan

Strong stuff. Wasn't quite sure WHOSE road to ruin we were following here. Well I thought I knew - until the last para.

As I say strong stuff.

TFR

Avis

Prospero at 04:17 on 11 November 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I thought this was excellent, but I don't think it needed the rape image at the end. I think you could have ended with the love song to the cat and the story would have been perfect. That final image moved the story to a different place and I fear spoiled it.

Just my opinion feel free to ignore me.

Best

John

tractor at 10:39 on 11 November 2007  Report this post
Jordan,

great images from inside the head of a 'ruined' man.

I also thought the rape ending didn't seem to fit the rest of the piece too well.On the other hand, your character is 'on the road' and observes another form of ruin so maybe I see the logic.

Cheers

Matk

Elbowsnitch at 09:52 on 13 November 2007  Report this post
Great city walk, Jordan! Sorry I came late to this one. Great first sentence, love the big smiley moon. I also really like the repetition of "kindly move along" - his affable irony.

You might make it clear a bit earlier that he's in the park? Another nitpick: "can impress Louis Armstrong" should be "could impress"?

Frances


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