Partings - Revision I
Posted: 24 October 2007 Word Count: 259 Summary: Week 174 Challenge. Revised. I kept it shorter than it probably should be, to aim to keep in line with the challenge. Maybe this works a little better?
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The bulb flickers and then feebly remains on, an effigy of light that creaks down the stairs. The rest is exposed beams, vents, and junk. Thirty-three years of art supplies, camping equipment, winter boots, air conditioning units. Other basements don’t look like this. Upstairs, the smell of dog hair, and he watches the news and reads a book with his feet kicked up on the sofa. “We should rent a dumpster,” I say. He nods. “Do you want to keep anything?” He shakes his head and mouths, “no.” I know that he will do the work, his arms strong enough to carry one-half of a dead horse. I find a phone book underneath the dark oak piece of furniture, where wine glasses and flowered plates wait to be set out for next-year’s Thanksgiving. I search for “Dumpsters,” pass through a section on demolition, and wonder if it might be easier to send in a bulldozer to wipe the land clean, and push the entire place somewhere else, like up the road to the school’s parking lot, or into Mrs. Simms’ flowerbed. I sit down next to his feet and stare at the television. The dog drudges over and pushes its grey and brown head into my lap. “I don’t want to do this today,” I tell him. “Maybe tomorrow.” He says, “I think the dog needs to be walked. He wouldn’t leave me alone.” The leash hangs on a hook in the coat closet, along with jackets, hats and gloves. All of it will need to be thrown away.
Comments by other Members
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crowspark at 22:54 on 24 October 2007
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I enjoyed this, Jordan. The flickering light, the rubbish. Great opener.
I liked
Upstairs, he watches television, the news, and reads a book at the same time, his feet kicked up on the sofa, the dog hair, and his feet, massive. |
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Wasn't so keen on the abbreviation for Dumpster, although I guess people might be familiar with seeing it.
Sad ending.
I don't know what an effigy of light is but that is a great sentence!
Bill
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Jumbo at 23:37 on 24 October 2007
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Jordan
Great images in the opening paragraphs of a house or flat now untidy and uncared for.
I take it that someone (a she?) has died here? But I'm not sure. And that they have left a partner - is that the 'he' upstairs watching television?
I'm also not sure what a dumpster is - is it what we Brits would call a skip - a huge metal contraption to be filled up with rubbish and then taken away? In any case I felt that the repetition of that word 'dumpster' kept interrupting the flow of the piece.
A great final line - that image of someone's life bagged up and left on the street is very powerful.
As you say, the restriction on the word count has not helped.
Thanks for the read.
john
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Jordan789 at 23:48 on 24 October 2007
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hmmmm. dumpster = skip? Yeah, if that's the large metal bins where trash is disposed, then yes.
Thanks gents!
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Prospero at 05:42 on 25 October 2007
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Hi Jordan
This is clever, because you give the impression of a couple who just need to de-clutter their home and hold out on the pay-off till the very last line.
I did feel you wanted to say more, so perhaps you should.
Best
John
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Forbes at 11:15 on 25 October 2007
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Jordan
I thought this beautiful writing. Mother had died and son/daughter clearing out the cellar while Father site on his bum -right? Then was it too expensive to hire the skip so they just bagged up the remains of her life and left out side?
I was kept guessing until the last. Well done.
TFR
Forbes
<Added>
One tiny tiny pick - you have "light" twice in quick succession on the first line.
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titania177 at 12:25 on 25 October 2007
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Jordan, lovely images here! I really saw the clutter, felt it. I loved "effigy of light".
A few small nits to tighten it up: repetition of "light" in the first para, then repetition of "plastic" in the second, and four uses of dumpster in such a short piece sticks out. Also, I had to re-read the line
his feet kicked up on the sofa, the dog hair, and his feet, massive |
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Thanks for a wonderful read!
Tania
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V`yonne at 16:30 on 25 October 2007
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I loved too.
Knew what a dumpster is from "Pretty Woman".
That bit about the dishes waiting to be laid out for Thanksgiving really tugged at the old heart. Thanksgiving, any feast without a loved one is sad. It's sad too that very often things are not done the deceased would wish it because relatives can't deal with it at the time.
Lovely and very poignant. You're good at poignant.
Oonah
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tiger_bright at 18:03 on 26 October 2007
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Hi Jordan, this was a heart-breaking read and I had a different take on it to others who read and commented before me. I thought the narrator - female probably, although it hardly matters - was moving out of a shared home with the "he" who sits around. They are "parting" as your title implies, after many years, or that was my take on it anyway. He demonstrates a lack of interest both in her (if it is a her) and in their once-shared possessions, including the dog. Then I got to the final sentence and I reconsidered, because if she/he is only moving out, then why throw stuff away? I feel it would benefit from a more definitive ending, one which supplies a few more clues as to the relationship between the central characters and what has happened to cause the house-clearing operation. For instance, if my take on it was correct (and I realise it very possibly isn't) then changing that last line to something about which one of them will take the dog, would round it off perfectly. Equally, if a parent has died, you could end with the same question about the dog, but you might need more clues also as to whose parent it was that died, and what the relationship is between the two characters left behind. This might even work better in second-person, with the narrator addressing (silently) the stolid but unmoving man as 'you' - just a thought.
You capture the characters very deftly in a few words, by the way.
reads a book with his feet kicked up on the sofa |
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gives an instant, vivid picture of the man.
Tiny nit:
the dark oak piece of furniture |
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I'd just say 'table' to be honest - that sentence is pretty long already.
I really enjoyed this, just wanted that definite ending or more clues as to what was going on.
Thanks,
Tiger
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Cholero at 13:06 on 27 October 2007
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Jordan
I thought this was excellent, so much going on, so much conveyed with so little, an embarrassment of riches, and despite its brevity more like a short story than a flash.
"I don’t want to do this today,” I tell him. “Maybe tomorrow.” |
| - a great keystone moment.
Other fave bits:
Upstairs, the smell of dog hair, and he watches the news and reads a book with his feet kicked up on the sofa |
| -everything we need to know...
-if you're not copyrighting it, can I use that verb...?
And the truth of the matter, that it really would be easier to send in a bulldozer to wipe the land clean, and push the entire place somewhere else |
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Really proper writing, v much enjoyed. Can't find a single nit, and boy have I tried.
Pete
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choille at 13:37 on 27 October 2007
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Hi Jordan,
Excellent writing - loved the whole dead atmosphere - it's not dead as nothing happens, it's the guys lethargy that gives it an almost oppressive feel. The dog is wonderful 'drudging over' - great.
I love the woman daydreaming about getting in a bulldozer to shove the clutter elsewhere.
Didn't know what a dumpster was until reading the comments.
You really must extend this into a short story - it'd be brilliant.
All the best
Caroline.
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