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Hierarchy
Posted: 20 October 2007
Word Count: 38
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Only the leaves
at the top of the tree
are stirring. Here the breeze
is barely felt;
a breath, a whisper to
which the owner fails to
admit. Below
we feel a smugness which
belies our worried mind.
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Comments by other Members
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 Elsie at 21:36 on 20 October 2007
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Hi Joanie, the title suggests to me this is not just about trees, perhaps it's about work? Do you have a worried mind singular as the people below are as one unit? Or should it be our worried minds? Can you feel smug and worried at the same time? A fascinating, concise (as always) piece.
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.JPG) Zettel at 23:50 on 20 October 2007
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Joannie
I like the tone of this but I can't make it work rhythmically as you've structured it. As it is short I wonder whether just straight through doesnt work better?. And "to which the owner fails to admit" doesn't quite work.
Just to compare:
Only the leaves
at the top of the tree
are stirring.
Here the breeze
is barely felt
A breath a whisper
that ownership denies
Below we feel
a smugness
which belies
our troubled mind
Sorry if I've missed your meaning.
Regards
Z
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 Tina at 11:11 on 21 October 2007
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Oh Joanie you haven't had the two day call have you? The dreaded big O - OFSTED? I am sure this would be shaking the tree a bit harder than you are suggesting here? In my expereince it is a bit more hurricane like than this! I like the inference in this writing - the suggestion of 'issues/ panic rising' is that what you meant? Smugness is certainly a good word to use around education! Especially for those who have the luxury of not carrying full responsibility. I am not sure I agree with Z - I think your formula works for you - your writing is always compact yet full of impact.
Enjoyed as ever
Tina
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 joanie at 14:23 on 21 October 2007
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Hi Elsie, Zettel and Tina. Many thanks for your thoughtful comments! Yes, it is certainly about more than trees, but it came to me while I was gazing out of the window and noticed that the remaining leaves at the top of the trees were rustling! I was thinking work-wise, but no, not OFSTED, thank heaven!! I'll have a think about the format; I'm not sure yet, but thank you for the suggestions.
joanie
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Ticonderoga at 15:10 on 23 October 2007
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I like this and I like the structure - the suspended 'to's at the ends of those lines are extremely effective; probably breaking the rules, but I think you've created an effect which is relevant to the mood of the poem by doing so.
I'd leave it (no pun intended) as it is; multiple meanings emerge and each reader will take something slightly different from it - which is one of the things poetry is for, isn't it?
Enjoyed.
Best,
Mike
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