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The Walk

by Jordan789 

Posted: 19 October 2007
Word Count: 541
Summary: For the Chip and pin challenge. I did not get PIN in there, sadly.


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Leslie woke up the next morning, red hair matted, her midnight-colored mascara staining the pillow case in feathered streaks. Lying next to her in bed, on his side with his hands curled under his head, was Chip.
“Where’s Dale?” she had asked when they shook hands in introduction and he held on to her fingers long enough that she blushed.
“Dale resituated in Vegas where he blew his fortune on cards and the drink—terrible habits,” he said, winked and raised his martini to his lips. Soon after that he was being pressed against the bathroom stall door in a furious make-out session, interrupted shortly thereafter by a bartender who told them to find somewhere else to go.
She inched slowly to the side of the massive white spread and thought how atrocious it would be to have him wake, to see her without the cover of a bar’s sparse lighting. She rummaged for her clothing and dressed in the bathroom. The sunlight blazed in through the massive bay window that overlooked the park. She pulled on her underwear and considered hopping into the Jacuzzi bath, but thought it would be better to be invited instead. In the silver-framed mirror, she combed her fingers through her hair and regretted not bringing any make-up. She would crawl back into bed, fall asleep, and whenever he woke, he would find her, his princess, by her side.
“Darling, won’t you come with me this weekend to the Hamptons. Billy Joel is having a little thing,” he would say, before kissing her passionately and dashing off somewhere, allowing her to lavish the day away in the Jacuzzi tub.
She was back in bed, hot with the covers on, and chilled with them off. The alcohol was beginning to work its way out of her, and she thought maybe it would have been a better idea to just leave when she had the chance. Now she feared that any movement he would wake. But then he stirred.
He looked groggy, with swells under his eyes and a blurred look that last night was as clear as the night sky.
“Oh, hey,” he said. He stood up without saying more and trudged into the bathroom to urinate. Then she heard the shower turn on and she thought she might join him. The glass doors were already steamed up and inside she could see a smudged version of Chip. She turned on the faucet and rinsed her hands with cool water, then splashed some on her face.
“I’m going to go,” she said.
“It was a pleasure to meet you,” he said, as if a hello and brief conversation was all that they shared. He didn’t ask for her number, or even to pay for a cab ride home.
She finished dressing and took the elevator down sixteen floors to the lobby, where the doorman, grey and proper, offered a good morning and she wondered if he kept a count of all of the women who had passed on other days—ones more attractive than her, and maybe with enough confidence to demand some breakfast. She walked out into the cool Autumn air, found the subway station a block away, and waited for the train to rumble into the station.








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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 19:56 on 19 October 2007  Report this post
I think you could get pinned in here, Jordan.
being pressed against


I liked the seedy loneliness of this, this futiliy of the sex and the feeling of being used in that phrase
maybe with enough confidence to demand some breakfast
.

I loved the tension...to stay or not to stay - the uncertainty. It's very good.

Forbes at 22:18 on 19 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan

A sad litle tale, and a few suggestions.

She pulled on her underwear and considered hopping into the Jacuzzi bath...
would she really have done it this way around? Surely she'd not want to end up with dripping wet keks?

I see where you're going with the should she leave/stay theme. Maybe the tension would be heightened if you used smaller sentences here?


We don't need to know he's going to pee - you thought maybe we'd think he was going to breakfast?!!

“Oh, hey,” he said. He stood up without saying more and trudged into the bathroom to urinate. Then she heard the shower turn on and she thought she might join him.


maybe change into

"Oh, hey" he mumbled. He staggered up without saying more and trudged blearily into the bathroom; the shower hissed on. She considered joining him...


I guess what I'm whittering about is make it tighter.

Discard at will, just my thoughts

Cheers

Forbes

<Added>

Just read my comments - and I did like the story a lot. The way the comments come over it might seem I don't. Perhaps I should have said this at the beginning!! Oophs!

Cholero at 00:13 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Forbes

This reads with a lot of pace and fluidity, and I like how you put the reader right inside Leslie's head, I felt like I was looking through her eyes, and it's impressively sustained. I like the seedy dirge that is her life, how the story ends almost arbitrarily in the middle of her bland reality, and the way you convey his lack of interest in her. I got a real feel for the room and the hotel building even though you barely describe either of them.

One pick - you use 'massive' twice quite close together to describe the sheet and the window.

Enjoyable read, thanks,

Pete



<Added>

Aaargh - that should be to Jordan! Doh.

Prospero at 07:23 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

This story has a gritty reality to it that is very compelling. The fantasy and reality unevenly mixed in Leslie's mind, shows us how she is trying to make a caress out of the slap the world has given her. Uncomfortable, but compelling reading.

Best

John

tiger_bright at 09:45 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan, I did enjoy the dinginess of this and the theme of expectation vs reality. It felt to me a little contradictory in that Leslie seems pretty confident and sleazy herself in the bar (albeit drunk, obviously) so that then the romantic daydreams when hungover seemed rather odd and out of character. Maybe in the bar she could've been equally romantic, imagining Dale was that prince come to sweep her away? Her acceptance of the reality seems rather spineless after her predatory behaviour in the bar. Unless this is clearly flagged as being about the theme of how alcohol changes our characters, then I'd say there is a smidgen too much of the schzoid about Leslie's reactions. I liked the ending very much - maybe the problem lies in that romantic daydream? I'm not sure.

Please do ignore me if you disagree.

Tiger

Elbowsnitch at 16:50 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan, reading this I felt I was in that hotel room, worrying about my early-morning looks and having those desperate romantic fantasies! You draw the reader in beautifully. It's all so sadly inevitable - the eternal clash between what men usually get and what women secretly want.
I love
ones more attractive than her, and maybe with enough confidence to demand some breakfast


Frances

Jumbo at 18:52 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Jordan

What surprised me most in this was the almost offhand way in which Leslie accepted the fact that there was another man in her bed when she woke up. Hips will probably tell me that it's my age, but there you are!

Did she (Leslie that is, not Hips)go to bed with Dale and find Chips there in the morning? Or did all three land up in the sack and Dale slipped away during the night? I wasn't sure.

That aside, I loved those final paragraphs as she leaves the room and head for the street past the doorman - grey and proper - great phrase.

A solid piece of writing. Nicely done.

john

btw - were those two guys furniture restorers - you know Chip'n'Dale? I know. I'm sorry.

crowspark at 19:15 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan
Good title and effective opener.
“Where’s Dale?” she had asked when they shook hands

This threw me at first as I thought they were still in bed so maybe it would have been better not to have started that par with speech to aid clarity. Might just be me, it has been a long day...
I wasn't sure about the names, Chip and Dale, but perhaps there is something I'm missing.
Putting that to one side, this is a fine flash. Excellent writing that deals well with that difficult morning after situation.
Thanks for the read.
Bill

titania177 at 19:31 on 20 October 2007  Report this post
HI Jordan,
how sad! A poignant piece, well described. I too was a little confused with the Chip and Dale - it made me think of chipmunks, is that it? Also, it took me a long time til I realised that we were in his hotel room and not her flat, it might be worth a quick mention early on: "hotel pillowcase" or something like that.

Great ending, I really felt for her, I could picture it all. Sad.

Tania

Jordan789 at 02:31 on 22 October 2007  Report this post
Hello everyone and thank you very much for reading and your suggestions, you've given me a lot to work with and I think I will make the alterations and maybe try shopping the piece to a couple places.

To settle the major confusion! Chip n' Dale are Disney characters created in the 1940s, the names a spinoff from chippendales, the famous men-dancing night club.

Tiger: I think I agree with you about the character inconsistencies. By pushing her fairy-tale view I can probably take the piece to a few more scenes, although I immediately fear that I'd create a one-sided character. Maybe instead I was thinkin I could add a line from the night before that expresses her drunken confidence (as opposed to a shy sobriety.) Although part of me wants to cut the night-before flashback altogether and focus more on that morning. There really are too many choices in this writing world.

Thanks again, everyone.

Jordan




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